My life is so f***ed up again. I've been drinking again since 4 nights after I wrote that last (self-congratulatory?) post. I think I've been "getting away with it," in that my husband seems not to have noticed, or if he has, is choosing to look the other way. Generally, he gets really angry if he suspects I've been drinking, and won't sleep in the same bed with me, and that hasn't happened. I've tried to be careful not to get obviously drunk, but I've had horrible hangovers at least 2 mornings, because I've done a lot of the drinking after he goes to bed.
I don't even know why I started again. I'm under A LOT of stress due to the fact we're moving to another state so my husband, the full-time graduate student, can begin a 4-year PhD program, and I've got to look for a "real job" once we get there (my last actual job interview resulted in a 2-day confined-to-bed migraine), since we have no source of income other than investments that are starting to shrink. We have to sell our beautiful house so we can move to a MUCH older--as in 45 years--, much smaller, and much more expensive rental house, pack up and move everything we own in 4 weeks. Just normal stuff.
Normal stuff that happens to normal people who don't have to filter it through an alcohol-generated haze.
I just know AA is not the way for me to do sobriety long-term. I dread the thought of a lifetime of attending AA meetings, and having my social community be fellow AAers. I despise the "lingo," the "buzzwords," etc. (what the hell does "fake it 'til you make it" mean, anyway??) so I've got to figure out how to do this on my own, if I'm not going to go back to AA.
Sidenote for All AA People: PLEASE don't think I'm bashing AA. I think it's a wonderful program if that's what works for you, and if that's what you want for your life. I KNOW that what I'm doing now doesn't work, but I have to find what does work for me. I have tremendous respect and regard for all of you who've managed to get and stay sober through AA, and I will continue to give and seek support here in this community online.
My life is so f***ed up again. I've been drinking again since 4 nights after I wrote that last (self-congratulatory?) post. I think I've been "getting away with it," in that my husband seems not to have noticed, or if he has, is choosing to look the other way. Generally, he gets really angry if he suspects I've been drinking, and won't sleep in the same bed with me, and that hasn't happened. I've tried to be careful not to get obviously drunk, but I've had horrible hangovers at least 2 mornings, because I've done a lot of the drinking after he goes to bed.
I don't even know why I started again. I'm under A LOT of stress due to the fact we're moving to another state so my husband, the full-time graduate student, can begin a 4-year PhD program, and I've got to look for a "real job" once we get there (my last actual job interview resulted in a 2-day confined-to-bed migraine), since we have no source of income other than investments that are starting to shrink. We have to sell our beautiful house so we can move to a MUCH older--as in 45 years--, much smaller, and much more expensive rental house, pack up and move everything we own in 4 weeks. Just normal stuff.
Normal stuff that happens to normal people who don't have to filter it through an alcohol-generated haze.
I just know AA is not the way for me to do sobriety long-term. I dread the thought of a lifetime of attending AA meetings, and having my social community be fellow AAers. I despise the "lingo," the "buzzwords," etc. (what the hell does "fake it 'til you make it" mean, anyway??) so I've got to figure out how to do this on my own, if I'm not going to go back to AA.
Sidenote for All AA People: PLEASE don't think I'm bashing AA. I think it's a wonderful program if that's what works for you, and if that's what you want for your life. I KNOW that what I'm doing now doesn't work, but I have to find what does work for me. I have tremendous respect and regard for all of you who've managed to get and stay sober through AA, and I will continue to give and seek support here in this community online.