If anxiety doesn't pull you under occasionally then you're made of very strong stuff. I did get sucked down there but I'm buoyant and have popped back up like a cork to the surface. Summer has come again today to cheer our souls. Blue skies and warm weather. Very pleasant. Just escaping from the house and getting out in the garden to potter about lifts mood by the tonne. I realise that my frustration lately has been because I've not had the courage to do what I wanted to, and go places free of fear and self conscious embarrassment. It's demoralising to feel so helpless. Me and my doubts are not good companions. Not having anyone to speak to about what goes on in my anxious head has been tough too. I do get a huge amount of parental support but it's taken for granted if I say no to something and so my concerns are never discussed. My choice mind you. Too close to home maybe, too protective of their feelings. No one wants to upset the people they love so ironically those nearest are always the last to learn, and holding secrets makes you feel isolated and lonely even when you're surrounded by closest family. I've got to stop bottling stuff up!
Anxiety does always find a way of breaking loose when you try to hold it in. It'll burst out as unexpectedly as a big bubble of gurgling gas will parp out into a billowing fart at the dinner table! That's where it stands in my opinion. It can go blow in another direction as far as I'm concerned. As it's so sneaky it always seems catch you when you deny it. There I was, standing in the shower, quietly winding down last night when panic opened the door and decided to join me. Cheeky bastard. Doesn't it have any respect for privacy? Naturally the intrusion caused a flush of agitation and uneasiness. Oddly followed by noticeable numbness in my feet. The water was scalding hot, and my toes were icy cold. My skin was being boiled under the spray but my hands couldn't sense the heat at all. Such a weird unreal feeling. Half there, half not, I think my mind was attempting to make me physically disappear. Dissociating myself from reality I suppose in order to escape it. Classic anxiety. Quite uncomfortable. Knowing what it was I was most pissed off, though managed to stay calm and composed. Point to me, panic nil.
So dear friends life isn't always up, we all know this. Anxiety is tough, yeah! From here, well it can only get better can't it? Normal service is to be resumed as anecdotes await. Incidentally, I did take myself off to the smoking cessation clinic this afternoon, (big surprise to me too). How I detest that horrid carbon monoxide reader that you have to blow into. How many smokers can hold their breath for ten seconds anyhow? Testing indeed. It reminds me of something the police would use to accuse you of being drunk. It's so humiliating. They certainly treat you as an addict, as if you're high on heroin or something and about to fall into the nearest gutter with your dignity in tatters. Yes I smoke, I can tell you that, don't alarm me with measurements and charts. Filthy dirty bad girl smoker! The guy that runs it drives me nuts. He's so happy that he doesn't smoke that he laughs very loudly without pause for breath (rubbing it in!) and wastes my time with chit chat when all I want is a script so I can clear off and go home. Anyway. Sitting at my computer is the worst place to kick the habit. I'm already down to my last four fags and itching to smoke them as I type. Best to walk away for a while, and resist temptation. Seems the girl is foreseeing a healthier future. That's optimism for you! Good huh?
Damn I've just lit up another cigarette! This habit has to go!
If anxiety doesn't pull you under occasionally then you're made of very strong stuff. I did get sucked down there but I'm buoyant and have popped back up like a cork to the surface. Summer has come again today to cheer our souls. Blue skies and warm weather. Very pleasant. Just escaping from the house and getting out in the garden to potter about lifts mood by the tonne. I realise that my frustration lately has been because I've not had the courage to do what I wanted to, and go places free of fear and self conscious embarrassment. It's demoralising to feel so helpless. Me and my doubts are not good companions. Not having anyone to speak to about what goes on in my anxious head has been tough too. I do get a huge amount of parental support but it's taken for granted if I say no to something and so my concerns are never discussed. My choice mind you. Too close to home maybe, too protective of their feelings. No one wants to upset the people they love so ironically those nearest are always the last to learn, and holding secrets makes you feel isolated and lonely even when you're surrounded by closest family. I've got to stop bottling stuff up!
Anxiety does always find a way of breaking loose when you try to hold it in. It'll burst out as unexpectedly as a big bubble of gurgling gas will parp out into a billowing fart at the dinner table! That's where it stands in my opinion. It can go blow in another direction as far as I'm concerned. As it's so sneaky it always seems catch you when you deny it. There I was, standing in the shower, quietly winding down last night when panic opened the door and decided to join me. Cheeky bastard. Doesn't it have any respect for privacy? Naturally the intrusion caused a flush of agitation and uneasiness. Oddly followed by noticeable numbness in my feet. The water was scalding hot, and my toes were icy cold. My skin was being boiled under the spray but my hands couldn't sense the heat at all. Such a weird unreal feeling. Half there, half not, I think my mind was attempting to make me physically disappear. Dissociating myself from reality I suppose in order to escape it. Classic anxiety. Quite uncomfortable. Knowing what it was I was most pissed off, though managed to stay calm and composed. Point to me, panic nil.
So dear friends life isn't always up, we all know this. Anxiety is tough, yeah! From here, well it can only get better can't it? Normal service is to be resumed as anecdotes await. Incidentally, I did take myself off to the smoking cessation clinic this afternoon, (big surprise to me too). How I detest that horrid carbon monoxide reader that you have to blow into. How many smokers can hold their breath for ten seconds anyhow? Testing indeed. It reminds me of something the police would use to accuse you of being drunk. It's so humiliating. They certainly treat you as an addict, as if you're high on heroin or something and about to fall into the nearest gutter with your dignity in tatters. Yes I smoke, I can tell you that, don't alarm me with measurements and charts. Filthy dirty bad girl smoker! The guy that runs it drives me nuts. He's so happy that he doesn't smoke that he laughs very loudly without pause for breath (rubbing it in!) and wastes my time with chit chat when all I want is a script so I can clear off and go home. Anyway. Sitting at my computer is the worst place to kick the habit. I'm already down to my last four fags and itching to smoke them as I type. Best to walk away for a while, and resist temptation. Seems the girl is foreseeing a healthier future. That's optimism for you! Good huh?
Damn I've just lit up another cigarette! This habit has to go!