Junk Food Alcoholism

I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to take something that I know well and transfix it into something I don't quite understand.

I love junk food. I love candy, cookies, pie, cake, chips, donuts and pretty much anything that has lots of empty calories combined with a high fat content. I have a sweet tooth that doesn't quit. I like sweet fruit, sweet drinks, and sweet food. I love the sweet side of life.

The strange thing about my junk food addition is that it can strike at any time, at any place, in any number of circumstances. I can go long periods of time without eating any junk food. Then, I might go to a party or a picnic where there are chips or brownies, or other such delights and then it happens. I pick up the first brownie and I can't stop until all the cookies, chips, sweet fruit, or anything else in my path is devoured. I'm like a fiend out of control.

In the past I have also blatantly indulged in the fine addiction of smoking. The smell of the fire when the tobacco is first lit and then watching as the light blue smoke encircles your face before it dissipates into the air was truly a delight to behold. My smoking was my drug of choice. It soothed the savage beast within me.

It will be 3 years on Sept. 5 that I have indulged in my last cigarette. It has been even longer since I have indulged in the pleasures of the fat filled goodies in abundance.

Here is where my lack of understanding comes in. Even though I am aware of what it feels like to be "out of control" when it comes to junk food and tobacco; I can't understand what it's like to be "out of control" when it comes to alcohol. I'm told that alcoholics metabolize ETOH differently than non alcoholics and the sensation that I just described to you with my junk food addition is the same sensation that an alcoholic has. The alcoholic doesn't crave the first drink, they crave every drink after the first drink. So, just don't take the first drink right? Sounds simple enough. Almost as simple as not taking the first piece of candy or cake, or trying to eat just one Lay's Potato Chip. It's an impossibility for the junk food addict; can it be an impossibility for the alcoholic as well?

Here is the other problem. IF I admit that alcoholism is a disease; then I'd have to admit that my junk food addiction is a disease and I am helpless to overcome it alone. IF I admit that cigarette smoking is a disease that means I have single handedly (in addition to having some real hereditary risk factors) given myself heart disease. The knowledge just pisses me off!

Of course I've done the rationalization that what I do to my own body affects only me and that alcoholism affects entire families and all those that are close to the alcoholic. I smile when I say that because it lets me off the hook UNTIL I think of the pain and agony I put my family through when I had my heart attack at the young age of 49. If I wanted to be honest with myself, I did a lot of harm to my family just by giving them (1) a heart history, (2) the fear that I might not have survived. That type of knowledge does not leave quickly; in fact it remains with my children and my husband 3 years later when they ask me, "are you alright" if I happen to be a little extra tired that day.

Am I condoning alcoholism? Not in the least. I am not an enabler; and for those that know me real time, you know what I am saying is the absolute truth. I do not hide in the shadows and my mouth is very big and I say exactly what I feel at any given moment. I will admit that for 20 years, there were absolutely no signs of the impending disease of alcoholism. It wasn't until 10 years ago that this insidious disease starting rearing it's ugly head. I have some ideas why it did that; but I don't want to bring them to the foreground just yet because I don't what you all to get the impression that I am enabling a man to continue on his road of destruction. He will tell you himself that this is certainly not the case. In fact, he has tried many times to quit for me but has been helpless to do so. He needed a higher power and with God's grace, I believe he has found one along with a sponsor who works the steps of "The Big Book" and keeps him accountable for what he does, thinks and feels.

His healing, as has mine, is just beginning. We talk more than we have in a long time. I know many of you have given me advice to leave; and right now; in my heart, that is not what I think God wants me to do. Perhaps in the future, that is something that I will do; but for right now, I owe him time to help him through this disease. He knows, as I have told him, that there is no guarantee that after he has begun full recovery that our life together will remain. He is willing to do this for him, and this must be done for him.

I wish him well. He is entering his 40th day of sobriety. Please pray for him. He is a good man, a good father, and one that I have been proud to be married to for most of our 30 years together.