Well, had a couple of better days in the NICU over last weekend. I was a full person instead of a trainee and a new trainee was brought in who was just training, not pulling a load. But in spite of that I did continue to learn a lot while listening to her training every moment I got away from working my load and I do feel comfortable with the basics of the nursery just not the real critical stuff yet because I haven't had the opportunity.
Both my team leader and I discussed with the proper person that I had been a team player during my training and hadn't complained when I was pulled out of the NICU a large portion of my days to work adult critical care. Hey, I was told I'd get all the training I needed so I assumed that meant those days would be made up to me. When I discussed this over the weekend I was told that it would be worked out.
Last night was my last offiicial scheduled night in the NICU. Here's how the deficit in my training was worked out. My last NICU night was taken away from me while another therapist, different from the weekend trainee, was initiated into training. I worked adult critical care for the first 4 hours and then was split between an adult unit and the NICU.
So congrats to me, my training is over. Doesn't matter that I've only admitted one critical baby. Doesn't matter that a bunch of my days were taken away from me and that I, with a good attitude, did everything I was asked to do. I'm not going to lie. I'm very depressed, frustrated, and disappointed. I wouldn't discuss my feelings on this blog if I hadn't done the ground work and gone through the proper channels to let the people who need to know, know that my training was incomplete. My feelings are my feelings and the facts are the facts.
So the upshot is that as much as I love my job and as much as I love the NICU I now dread being scheduled down there because the next time I have a critical admission or a problem, that's too fucking bad. I'm on my own unless I have someone strong with me who can do their job and help me too.
But, I really shouldn't be surprised. To be honest, I know we can all relate to this up to a point. Everybody has a story of an area where they were thrown into it. The part that depresses me so much is that I"ve never not been thrown to the wolves. With every area I've been trained into this always happens. I thought this time would be different. The part that makes me really resentful is knowing that the two people who've started their training now will get their full two months. That also happens to me every time. I don't know what it is about me but I get thrown into the deep end, manage to swim and learn the job on the fly, but the people who come immediately after me never seem to be expected to do the things I was expected to do on my own so soon. Maybe in a weird way it's a backhanded compliment that they don't worry about me being able to do it. I'd like to believe it but, yeah I know, that's wishful thinking. As long as I take the crap jobs and don't complain that's all anybody's thinking about. Other people refuse. I've agreed to take assignments saying "well, okay, I'll do the best I can" and then find out later that people who also weren't trained in it just said "no". I'm so stupid. I have this warped Pollyanna attitude that thinks that me going the extra mile and putting myself out will be appreciated. Yeah, I know. I'm retarded.
What I would have liked this time is to not go through the 2-3 months immediately following my so called training where I eat Pepcid every day before going into work and come home puking from stress the mornings after. Right now, I don't want to go to work. I love my job but right now I hate the thought of having to go to work.
And you know, I even get that at this point my only chance to resolve my own stress and dread is to pray those admissions come fast so I can get this learning by the seat of my pants time over with so I can be more comfortable. But I still resent the fact that I"m expected to just suck it up and do it but not everyone is. I sort of laughed, a few weeks ago when a fill-in supervisor came to me and told me I had to go work the ER becuase none of the newbies had been trained yet. I laughed in his face. You know how I was trained in the ER? Someone had to walk me to the ER because I didn't even know where it was, they had to press the keybad codes to get me in, and then I picked up a vent, a BiPap, and did a code on my own. That was my training. And I was a newbie then too, still in adult critical care training. But I was told I had no choice, just to go do the best I could.
That's what depresses me the most. I used to feel like a company girl and a team player and that having a good attitude would be appreciated in the long run. Now I just feel like a sucker because I'm too stupid to refuse to do what I'm asked/told/manipulated to do.
But again, what I feel doesn't matter. It's a done deal. I'm already out on my own and have been for four shifts now. Just like always I'll rise to the occasion no matter how much money I spend in Pepcid or how much I hate my job for the next two months. However, one thing will change. The next time I'm asked to train in a new area I'll think long and hard before I answer.
Well, had a couple of better days in the NICU over last weekend. I was a full person instead of a trainee and a new trainee was brought in who was just training, not pulling a load. But in spite of that I did continue to learn a lot while listening to her training every moment I got away from working my load and I do feel comfortable with the basics of the nursery just not the real critical stuff yet because I haven't had the opportunity.
Both my team leader and I discussed with the proper person that I had been a team player during my training and hadn't complained when I was pulled out of the NICU a large portion of my days to work adult critical care. Hey, I was told I'd get all the training I needed so I assumed that meant those days would be made up to me. When I discussed this over the weekend I was told that it would be worked out.
Last night was my last offiicial scheduled night in the NICU. Here's how the deficit in my training was worked out. My last NICU night was taken away from me while another therapist, different from the weekend trainee, was initiated into training. I worked adult critical care for the first 4 hours and then was split between an adult unit and the NICU.
So congrats to me, my training is over. Doesn't matter that I've only admitted one critical baby. Doesn't matter that a bunch of my days were taken away from me and that I, with a good attitude, did everything I was asked to do. I'm not going to lie. I'm very depressed, frustrated, and disappointed. I wouldn't discuss my feelings on this blog if I hadn't done the ground work and gone through the proper channels to let the people who need to know, know that my training was incomplete. My feelings are my feelings and the facts are the facts.
So the upshot is that as much as I love my job and as much as I love the NICU I now dread being scheduled down there because the next time I have a critical admission or a problem, that's too fucking bad. I'm on my own unless I have someone strong with me who can do their job and help me too.
But, I really shouldn't be surprised. To be honest, I know we can all relate to this up to a point. Everybody has a story of an area where they were thrown into it. The part that depresses me so much is that I"ve never not been thrown to the wolves. With every area I've been trained into this always happens. I thought this time would be different. The part that makes me really resentful is knowing that the two people who've started their training now will get their full two months. That also happens to me every time. I don't know what it is about me but I get thrown into the deep end, manage to swim and learn the job on the fly, but the people who come immediately after me never seem to be expected to do the things I was expected to do on my own so soon. Maybe in a weird way it's a backhanded compliment that they don't worry about me being able to do it. I'd like to believe it but, yeah I know, that's wishful thinking. As long as I take the crap jobs and don't complain that's all anybody's thinking about. Other people refuse. I've agreed to take assignments saying "well, okay, I'll do the best I can" and then find out later that people who also weren't trained in it just said "no". I'm so stupid. I have this warped Pollyanna attitude that thinks that me going the extra mile and putting myself out will be appreciated. Yeah, I know. I'm retarded.
What I would have liked this time is to not go through the 2-3 months immediately following my so called training where I eat Pepcid every day before going into work and come home puking from stress the mornings after. Right now, I don't want to go to work. I love my job but right now I hate the thought of having to go to work.
And you know, I even get that at this point my only chance to resolve my own stress and dread is to pray those admissions come fast so I can get this learning by the seat of my pants time over with so I can be more comfortable. But I still resent the fact that I"m expected to just suck it up and do it but not everyone is. I sort of laughed, a few weeks ago when a fill-in supervisor came to me and told me I had to go work the ER becuase none of the newbies had been trained yet. I laughed in his face. You know how I was trained in the ER? Someone had to walk me to the ER because I didn't even know where it was, they had to press the keybad codes to get me in, and then I picked up a vent, a BiPap, and did a code on my own. That was my training. And I was a newbie then too, still in adult critical care training. But I was told I had no choice, just to go do the best I could.
That's what depresses me the most. I used to feel like a company girl and a team player and that having a good attitude would be appreciated in the long run. Now I just feel like a sucker because I'm too stupid to refuse to do what I'm asked/told/manipulated to do.
But again, what I feel doesn't matter. It's a done deal. I'm already out on my own and have been for four shifts now. Just like always I'll rise to the occasion no matter how much money I spend in Pepcid or how much I hate my job for the next two months. However, one thing will change. The next time I'm asked to train in a new area I'll think long and hard before I answer.