Distorted Thinking

A Google Alert for a post from My Journey Through Bipolar came to my inbox. I read it and feel that it expresses many of the thoughts that I've had and still have today. Here are the snippets that really spoke to me:

My thinking has been so terribly distorted lately. I can hear it but it is like I am watching it on TV and I can’t make the actors say different lines. “You just don’t understand me so I am not going to talk to you anymore.” “I am worthless and just taking up too much space. I would rather die then to put you all through this agony anymore.” “I have no friends. No one loves me. I am unlovable. I hate myself. I HATE ME!!!”

And it all makes so much sense to me. I really believe it. I really do feel like there is no reason to go on. That I should just die. That I am a waste of space.

And like the viewer watching TV I can see how ridiculous this story is. Of course she is loved. Look at the supporting cast. She doesn’t actually want to die. Look at her children worshiping her at her feet, begging her to come play with them and give them kisses. Who wouldn’t want to stick around to foster that? And a waste of space? She created this space. She cooks and cleans in this space. She bore her children in this space. She makes love to her incredible husband in this space. She isn’t a waste of space. The space would be empty without her.

And does she really hate herself? I believe she hates the one that she thinks she is. That distorted her. But if she saw herself as a separate person she would love her. She would see that other self and think, what a great person. She has it all. The husband, house, kids, cats, beauty, security, love all around. A deep faith, a rich community, arts and a strong soul of a warrior. She would want to be just like that other person.

I want to be just like I am. I just want to be happy while I am being me.

Read the entire post here.