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I forgot to add that I have begun to yank my stupid hair out again. Pluck pluck pluck... its fun. I'm compelled to do it. I get reliefe each time a follicle gets yanked out. What the hell i wrong with me. I'm sitting in the halls at school on the floor and what would these people think of me if they knew what I was writing. Today I had another though about cutting and it sounds like something fun to do but I won't do it because last time I learned that if I do something like that and people find out, they send me to the stupid hospital and I will not tolerate that crap again it is so dumb there and the nurses are FUCKING bitches and have all the power of you and your things and you are told when you can do EVERYTHING and I am not wanting to subject myself to that shit again I have the meds here at home that I need so I can play with them and try to get it right but then today as I was walking up the halls I started thinking and i got kinda pissed off at the whole med management thing and I slippe dinto that stupid frame of mine where I am terribly pissed off that I have to be the strong one and the big girl who manages myself takes care of myself confides in and with myself therupatizes myself and tryies to balance myself for once in this stupid god damned world i wish i had someone to lean on that understands me in such a way of understanding that I cannot put it into words what it is I am talking about but if I was telling this to a person that understood me that way, they would know exactly what I am trying to say and I miss that and sometimes I get to feeling sorry for myself but I need to not be an idiot so I am not feeling sorry for myself and I have GOT to stop pulling my stupid hairs out bc I have gone back to my poor eyelashes and attacked the lower ones and frequently tug at the upper ones and then my poor scalp hair has been through a lot because i constantly pluck crap out of my head and leave hairballs on the floor and it kinda looks like something died and I try to keep it from mom but then she saw the other day as I was sitting at the counter reading my school stuff and to keep me focused and level and still I was plucking the hairs out of my head from the top and she walked by and pinched the back of my neck to remind me to stop but I am not able to stop bc I likwe doing it it is fun and some sort of a weird comfort which i hard to explain so I really won't try so I should seriously just go back on the god damned lithium and revia but then if i am on those they make me sleepy and the lithium makes me nauseous and then i cannot take the vicodin for my pain and then i get kinda pissy about that bc i am in pain and i hate being in pain and man I tell ya i am getting tired of this damn thing putting red squiggle lines under crap i misspell so i am going to STOP fixing my mistakes in protest of it trying to correct me sorry if this screws with you reading but oh well you should look at it as being more edvetourous like a task for you to sit there and try to figure out hahaha i'm super nice like that to give my lovely readers such an activity. for heaven sake i really dont know why anyone would read the gibberish i write. i have an average of 9 readers a day since i started writing in my blog and i am amused and take it is a compliement that people read this stuff althought i fear that many may stumble upon this in error while looking for something else so oh well its whatever lately i havent even cared about the bog and if you recall correctly there was a time less than 6 motnhs ago when i would have gone to the ends of the earth for this blog and to work to promotoe it and make myself famous and help a million people. i can see now that was a little extreme of a though ooops so i am getting kinda pissy about so many thing in general and i think it would be fun, i truely do think it would be fun to pluck some of the fatty skin out of my leg and i know on a level this is wrong and i am not going to do it despite the fact i am not trying to kill myself and just having some fun but whatever people get all pissed at me when i do it bc they arent any fun and then sometime i wonder if when i get pissed off or annoyed withsomeone do they take it as really ME telling them or feeling that way or do they think it is a SYMPTOM of my stupid ass disorder coming through? in some cases espeailly with people i am close to it is a symptom when i explode or otherwise act like an idiot but sometimes, many time with general other people and aquatainces what i say IS REALLY REAL and if they piss me off or do something stupid it is them being an annoying idiot and not my "symptom". maybe i may express my disaatisfaction with their moronic behavior in an inapporpriate way but at any rate it is me being me so dont try to consol yourself by saying, "oh it's just bc she is a crzy eprson" when in fact, though yes I may indeed be a crazy person, i am still VERY intelligent and still have so much going on and together within myself so dont you dare, dont anyone dare for even a second try to think that the views i have and my thoughts and opinions about things are for ONE MINUTE not really what i am thinkig or and feeling. hahaha there are so many red squggles oooopsie sorry about that i hope it isnt too hard to read!! i have all of this static in my head and would give someone ten dollars if they would get it out so my mind can lay flat and still and not be a fucking spazzzzzzzy creation thingy. this is dumb. i am having a hard time sitting still right now its like i want to move and do but i want to mvoe and do everything all at once so if i try to do anyone thing it wont be me doing enough and then i will get really pissed off and fly off the handle and go insane in the membrane hahaha and then i am screwed so i just dont DO anything and that works okay but it wonly works okay if i am drugged enough to not moind not doing anything and in this case i usually cannot be around people which is why tonight i flaked on my friend and i feel like an ass and a failure to her but at the same time i am trying to take careof myself and so i am going home to take some meds and tranquillizers or whatever to knock my ass out so i am in a stupor and dont care if i am in a stupor and i fear she may not totally udnerstand why i am an "invisible" friend ho isnt around much anymore and i am trying to take care of myself bc if i dont take care of myself and only give to others it only makes my personal problem worse and my health worse and i am trying to eliminate that hell i have been trying to meet up with my ex boss for a lunch meeting for over 6 weeks now and i keep having to cancel and resched for one dumb reason or another bc i am off or wacky or whatever and cannot do the meeting bc parking downtown is just too much of a stressor thingy and it sets me off god damn this really sucks like right now i am hungry okay and i want some food i can either wait utnil i get home (which is an hour away from campus) to eat there or i can stop somewhere along the way and get a hamburger or wahtever to eat and i cannot make this decision at all. it puts me into a panci because its like okay if i wait until i get home i am going to feel this awful sick hinger but if i stop somethweere then people will see me at a drive through and they will see me being a lazy eprson and a fat and unhealthy person by beaing here at this drivethrough and they will know how awful i am and judge me and make fun of me and laiugh at me so i shouldnt eat but im hungry but i cant stand to be made fun of and if theyu see me at the drive through everyone will really be laughing at me. and i know there is some thing that describes when you think everyone is paying more attention to you than they really are and i KNOW on some level this is not true but i chave sucha disconnect with my brain and mey emotions that although i KNOW i am probably being an idiot thinking this way it does nothing to resolve the internal tension of the great debate of whether i should eat at home or stop for something and be a disgusting pig my god thinking about it is putting me in such a frenzy of panic and i have chills all over my arm at the thought of e veryone laughing at me and this is so overwhelming to even think abotu and write about right now that i am going to take some pills bc i am about to go out of my frikin mind and right now mr professor man is talking to each person indiviually and i am in the hall waiting my turn so i have to somehow pull ymself together ish aenough to go inthere and then i have to go to the truck and hopefully by then i will have figured out what the hell i am going to do about the food thing and i am so unsettled i want to throw up and scream and run away and also attack every fucking moron in this building who walks remotely near me bc they do not have the right to stare at and judge me i know my upper lip is chapped but that does not give them the right to judge and make fun of me in their heads like i know they are. god it is so hard to be on campus when i can feel everyones eyes burning into me with hate and contempt and making fun of me and laughing at me like i am such an idiot and i hate people and being out here and i want to go away right now so i am going to take stuff that will make me go sleepy time when i get home and then i will be groggy and these things wont plague me and i think i should start taking lithium again but i am scared i am scared of the unbalance i am scared of this whole fucking thing and i can handle being a depressed moron i can totally do that please let me just be depressed dont give me this wacked out dysphoric manic shit bc this is terrible its not all euphoric not for long and then i end up wishing there was anything i could do to escape what is the present bc it is terrible and i just dont know what to do and how to escape and i cant escape so i plug on but shit fire i tell ya that this is just more and more and more than what i want and i am terrified that perhaps it will keep going on like this forever and i just dont know and im feeling so alone and lost sorta and i dont know what the hell i am doing with this business and stuff and what i should do and hell i cant decide what to eat let alone decide when to start lithium again plus i feel evil when i gain weight from it so i am trying to avoid that as well.
okay by for now i dont know if i will have internet at home yet s i guess i'll see when iget there tonight and maybe write some more tomorrow and if not internet then i will write on a word doc and then cut and paste it into this form thingy.
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I forgot to add that I have begun to yank my stupid hair out again. Pluck pluck pluck... its fun. I'm compelled to do it. I get reliefe each time a follicle gets yanked out. What the hell i wrong with me. I'm sitting in the halls at school on the floor and what would these people think of me if they knew what I was writing. Today I had another though about cutting and it sounds like something fun to do but I won't do it because last time I learned that if I do something like that and people find out, they send me to the stupid hospital and I will not tolerate that crap again it is so dumb there and the nurses are FUCKING bitches and have all the power of you and your things and you are told when you can do EVERYTHING and I am not wanting to subject myself to that shit again I have the meds here at home that I need so I can play with them and try to get it right but then today as I was walking up the halls I started thinking and i got kinda pissed off at the whole med management thing and I slippe dinto that stupid frame of mine where I am terribly pissed off that I have to be the strong one and the big girl who manages myself takes care of myself confides in and with myself therupatizes myself and tryies to balance myself for once in this stupid god damned world i wish i had someone to lean on that understands me in such a way of understanding that I cannot put it into words what it is I am talking about but if I was telling this to a person that understood me that way, they would know exactly what I am trying to say and I miss that and sometimes I get to feeling sorry for myself but I need to not be an idiot so I am not feeling sorry for myself and I have GOT to stop pulling my stupid hairs out bc I have gone back to my poor eyelashes and attacked the lower ones and frequently tug at the upper ones and then my poor scalp hair has been through a lot because i constantly pluck crap out of my head and leave hairballs on the floor and it kinda looks like something died and I try to keep it from mom but then she saw the other day as I was sitting at the counter reading my school stuff and to keep me focused and level and still I was plucking the hairs out of my head from the top and she walked by and pinched the back of my neck to remind me to stop but I am not able to stop bc I likwe doing it it is fun and some sort of a weird comfort which i hard to explain so I really won't try so I should seriously just go back on the god damned lithium and revia but then if i am on those they make me sleepy and the lithium makes me nauseous and then i cannot take the vicodin for my pain and then i get kinda pissy about that bc i am in pain and i hate being in pain and man I tell ya i am getting tired of this damn thing putting red squiggle lines under crap i misspell so i am going to STOP fixing my mistakes in protest of it trying to correct me sorry if this screws with you reading but oh well you should look at it as being more edvetourous like a task for you to sit there and try to figure out hahaha i'm super nice like that to give my lovely readers such an activity. for heaven sake i really dont know why anyone would read the gibberish i write. i have an average of 9 readers a day since i started writing in my blog and i am amused and take it is a compliement that people read this stuff althought i fear that many may stumble upon this in error while looking for something else so oh well its whatever lately i havent even cared about the bog and if you recall correctly there was a time less than 6 motnhs ago when i would have gone to the ends of the earth for this blog and to work to promotoe it and make myself famous and help a million people. i can see now that was a little extreme of a though ooops so i am getting kinda pissy about so many thing in general and i think it would be fun, i truely do think it would be fun to pluck some of the fatty skin out of my leg and i know on a level this is wrong and i am not going to do it despite the fact i am not trying to kill myself and just having some fun but whatever people get all pissed at me when i do it bc they arent any fun and then sometime i wonder if when i get pissed off or annoyed withsomeone do they take it as really ME telling them or feeling that way or do they think it is a SYMPTOM of my stupid ass disorder coming through? in some cases espeailly with people i am close to it is a symptom when i explode or otherwise act like an idiot but sometimes, many time with general other people and aquatainces what i say IS REALLY REAL and if they piss me off or do something stupid it is them being an annoying idiot and not my "symptom". maybe i may express my disaatisfaction with their moronic behavior in an inapporpriate way but at any rate it is me being me so dont try to consol yourself by saying, "oh it's just bc she is a crzy eprson" when in fact, though yes I may indeed be a crazy person, i am still VERY intelligent and still have so much going on and together within myself so dont you dare, dont anyone dare for even a second try to think that the views i have and my thoughts and opinions about things are for ONE MINUTE not really what i am thinkig or and feeling. hahaha there are so many red squggles oooopsie sorry about that i hope it isnt too hard to read!! i have all of this static in my head and would give someone ten dollars if they would get it out so my mind can lay flat and still and not be a fucking spazzzzzzzy creation thingy. this is dumb. i am having a hard time sitting still right now its like i want to move and do but i want to mvoe and do everything all at once so if i try to do anyone thing it wont be me doing enough and then i will get really pissed off and fly off the handle and go insane in the membrane hahaha and then i am screwed so i just dont DO anything and that works okay but it wonly works okay if i am drugged enough to not moind not doing anything and in this case i usually cannot be around people which is why tonight i flaked on my friend and i feel like an ass and a failure to her but at the same time i am trying to take careof myself and so i am going home to take some meds and tranquillizers or whatever to knock my ass out so i am in a stupor and dont care if i am in a stupor and i fear she may not totally udnerstand why i am an "invisible" friend ho isnt around much anymore and i am trying to take care of myself bc if i dont take care of myself and only give to others it only makes my personal problem worse and my health worse and i am trying to eliminate that hell i have been trying to meet up with my ex boss for a lunch meeting for over 6 weeks now and i keep having to cancel and resched for one dumb reason or another bc i am off or wacky or whatever and cannot do the meeting bc parking downtown is just too much of a stressor thingy and it sets me off god damn this really sucks like right now i am hungry okay and i want some food i can either wait utnil i get home (which is an hour away from campus) to eat there or i can stop somewhere along the way and get a hamburger or wahtever to eat and i cannot make this decision at all. it puts me into a panci because its like okay if i wait until i get home i am going to feel this awful sick hinger but if i stop somethweere then people will see me at a drive through and they will see me being a lazy eprson and a fat and unhealthy person by beaing here at this drivethrough and they will know how awful i am and judge me and make fun of me and laiugh at me so i shouldnt eat but im hungry but i cant stand to be made fun of and if theyu see me at the drive through everyone will really be laughing at me. and i know there is some thing that describes when you think everyone is paying more attention to you than they really are and i KNOW on some level this is not true but i chave sucha disconnect with my brain and mey emotions that although i KNOW i am probably being an idiot thinking this way it does nothing to resolve the internal tension of the great debate of whether i should eat at home or stop for something and be a disgusting pig my god thinking about it is putting me in such a frenzy of panic and i have chills all over my arm at the thought of e veryone laughing at me and this is so overwhelming to even think abotu and write about right now that i am going to take some pills bc i am about to go out of my frikin mind and right now mr professor man is talking to each person indiviually and i am in the hall waiting my turn so i have to somehow pull ymself together ish aenough to go inthere and then i have to go to the truck and hopefully by then i will have figured out what the hell i am going to do about the food thing and i am so unsettled i want to throw up and scream and run away and also attack every fucking moron in this building who walks remotely near me bc they do not have the right to stare at and judge me i know my upper lip is chapped but that does not give them the right to judge and make fun of me in their heads like i know they are. god it is so hard to be on campus when i can feel everyones eyes burning into me with hate and contempt and making fun of me and laughing at me like i am such an idiot and i hate people and being out here and i want to go away right now so i am going to take stuff that will make me go sleepy time when i get home and then i will be groggy and these things wont plague me and i think i should start taking lithium again but i am scared i am scared of the unbalance i am scared of this whole fucking thing and i can handle being a depressed moron i can totally do that please let me just be depressed dont give me this wacked out dysphoric manic shit bc this is terrible its not all euphoric not for long and then i end up wishing there was anything i could do to escape what is the present bc it is terrible and i just dont know what to do and how to escape and i cant escape so i plug on but shit fire i tell ya that this is just more and more and more than what i want and i am terrified that perhaps it will keep going on like this forever and i just dont know and im feeling so alone and lost sorta and i dont know what the hell i am doing with this business and stuff and what i should do and hell i cant decide what to eat let alone decide when to start lithium again plus i feel evil when i gain weight from it so i am trying to avoid that as well.
okay by for now i dont know if i will have internet at home yet s i guess i'll see when iget there tonight and maybe write some more tomorrow and if not internet then i will write on a word doc and then cut and paste it into this form thingy.