I hate feeling this way. I want to off myself to make it end. i want to slice n dice my leg so it will stop. The pain releases endorphins to my brain which help to clear my mind. That is the beautiful thing about pain. Plus, it doens't really hurt. It feels good. And then it is also fun to excavate the little fatty pieces from my leg. I like it. I know it's wrong but too bad, it's fun for me. Bummer is 1) I don't have any more razors and 2) if i do it then I am screwed and will maybe have to go back to the stupid ass hospital or soemthing or be locked in my room. My god I cannot take this. This is so stupid. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Continuing to go up and down and up and down? Sure I can do the depression thing but not this out of my mind and crazy as bat shit uncontrolled crap. I cannot do this. But I have to do this. I don't have the choice. Right now I would love to off myself because this isn't worth living right now through this crazy wired blender for brains shit. But, I have family so I cannot off myself. Mommy would be way to upset and I cannot do that to her. Plus, the euphoric times are really fun. And I rapid cycle shit so those fun times will be back soon enough. I would love to cut my skin open again too, ecavate more little fatty pieces. That is always so fun, and calming to. Maybe it is the pain, or the amount of concentration I am able to focus at once, I don't know. But it's great and I want to do it again. But, I'm out of razors and if I do do it again mom will be upset and want to send me back to the hospital or I will have to lock myself up in my room.
I hate feeling this way. I want to off myself to make it end. i want to slice n dice my leg so it will stop. The pain releases endorphins to my brain which help to clear my mind. That is the beautiful thing about pain. Plus, it doens't really hurt. It feels good. And then it is also fun to excavate the little fatty pieces from my leg. I like it. I know it's wrong but too bad, it's fun for me. Bummer is 1) I don't have any more razors and 2) if i do it then I am screwed and will maybe have to go back to the stupid ass hospital or soemthing or be locked in my room. My god I cannot take this. This is so stupid. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Continuing to go up and down and up and down? Sure I can do the depression thing but not this out of my mind and crazy as bat shit uncontrolled crap. I cannot do this. But I have to do this. I don't have the choice. Right now I would love to off myself because this isn't worth living right now through this crazy wired blender for brains shit. But, I have family so I cannot off myself. Mommy would be way to upset and I cannot do that to her. Plus, the euphoric times are really fun. And I rapid cycle shit so those fun times will be back soon enough. I would love to cut my skin open again too, ecavate more little fatty pieces. That is always so fun, and calming to. Maybe it is the pain, or the amount of concentration I am able to focus at once, I don't know. But it's great and I want to do it again. But, I'm out of razors and if I do do it again mom will be upset and want to send me back to the hospital or I will have to lock myself up in my room.