Update: I had a write clog, I got through it by this splurge here. This post is not well written, is a little ranty and generally poor. Sorry.
Hello.
I don’t like being stable.
Don’t get me wrong, being manic or depressed or mixed sucked but being held down by a pharmaceutical hand just sucks.
Nobody and I mean nobody on regular prescription medication should just stop it. I am however giving myself permission to not be stable.
I have not felt really happy in ages, really happy basically happened for half an hour whilst I went even more manic. I want to give myself permission to be symptomatic, or rather to be able to have really good days and foul days.
Two of my friends have just had a beautiful baby daughter. I want to feel excited about that sort of stuff, not just know that I should be and then try to fake it. This week was the six anniversary of my first trip to A and E for an overdose, more importantly six years since my grandfather died. I wasn’t counting down the days to the dates or anything but when they arrived I felt a bit meh. A bit meh is not an appropriate response to remembering a grandfather you really liked passing. It might be appropriate for remembering a long in the past suicide attempt.
I spent three years untreated. It was a truly miserable, miserable time. Times when I would look myself in room for days and was habitually cutting myself and self-medicating. Those three years are what a cheap biography of my life would refer to as my dark times. They weren’t as bad as what happened next but they contributed. The years untreated did make it more difficult to treat, it took two and a hlaf years to find a regime that works. Maybe if I’d been treated properly six years ago I’d be on a miniscule does of something. That didn’t happen and I am not dwelling on it. I am here and I need to take ten tablets a day to keep me stable.
Thing is though that’s an awful lot of pills to not be normal. My range of moods has been constricted beyond normally. Increasingly I think I need my meds to do a different job. I want to be able to feel the full range of mood, not just depressed.
I don’t miss mania. I miss getting excited.
I had a huge wobble after the tremor thing and was thinking about suicide for a night and the subsequent morning. This is not normal, I grant you. But pills are not the only thing at my disposal. I had kinda forgotten about six months of therapy with T. I started doing some of that stuff again and I felt better.
Getting rid of all the meds would be stupid but it seems reasonable to believe that I could be down to
- 1200mg lithium from 1800mg lithium
- 50mg lamotrigine from 200mg
- 50mg sertraline from 200mg
- 5mg aripiprazole from 20mg
I don’t want the meds to not give me room to move, just stop me from falling off the edge.
I have spent three years untreated and six months in therapy learning techniques to make my life easier. I want to start relying on those things and not the medication.
ES
Posted in health
Update: I had a write clog, I got through it by this splurge here. This post is not well written, is a little ranty and generally poor. Sorry.
Hello.
I don’t like being stable.
Don’t get me wrong, being manic or depressed or mixed sucked but being held down by a pharmaceutical hand just sucks.
Nobody and I mean nobody on regular prescription medication should just stop it. I am however giving myself permission to not be stable.
I have not felt really happy in ages, really happy basically happened for half an hour whilst I went even more manic. I want to give myself permission to be symptomatic, or rather to be able to have really good days and foul days.
Two of my friends have just had a beautiful baby daughter. I want to feel excited about that sort of stuff, not just know that I should be and then try to fake it. This week was the six anniversary of my first trip to A and E for an overdose, more importantly six years since my grandfather died. I wasn’t counting down the days to the dates or anything but when they arrived I felt a bit meh. A bit meh is not an appropriate response to remembering a grandfather you really liked passing. It might be appropriate for remembering a long in the past suicide attempt.
I spent three years untreated. It was a truly miserable, miserable time. Times when I would look myself in room for days and was habitually cutting myself and self-medicating. Those three years are what a cheap biography of my life would refer to as my dark times. They weren’t as bad as what happened next but they contributed. The years untreated did make it more difficult to treat, it took two and a hlaf years to find a regime that works. Maybe if I’d been treated properly six years ago I’d be on a miniscule does of something. That didn’t happen and I am not dwelling on it. I am here and I need to take ten tablets a day to keep me stable.
Thing is though that’s an awful lot of pills to not be normal. My range of moods has been constricted beyond normally. Increasingly I think I need my meds to do a different job. I want to be able to feel the full range of mood, not just depressed.
I don’t miss mania. I miss getting excited.
I had a huge wobble after the tremor thing and was thinking about suicide for a night and the subsequent morning. This is not normal, I grant you. But pills are not the only thing at my disposal. I had kinda forgotten about six months of therapy with T. I started doing some of that stuff again and I felt better.
Getting rid of all the meds would be stupid but it seems reasonable to believe that I could be down to
I don’t want the meds to not give me room to move, just stop me from falling off the edge.
I have spent three years untreated and six months in therapy learning techniques to make my life easier. I want to start relying on those things and not the medication.
ES
Posted in health