If pathological means more or less what I think it means then my tendency to isolate is pathological. I think it takes on a life of its own apart from my addiction and even my bipolar, or whatever keeps me so fucked up emotionally. I wrote about it atHow Depression Keeps Me Isolated. This morning I’m starting to suspect there’s more to it than I have previously realized.
What I seem to be in the process of doing is shutting myself off from you, my blogger buddies. I’m not sure how, why, or even when it started. I recognized it, however, as I was replying to an email and pulling my punches because I’m so sagacious that what I know might damage someone less enlightened. See, I’m doing it for your own good because I don’t want you to follow my example or embrace the flawed philosophy I try and live by. I’m a martyr!
Don’t know how I managed to see it. Just one of those crazy little flashes of insight some of us sometimes get. The most dramatic instance of this particular vein of crazy thinking would be when I wrote off AA and my contacts in that organization. I had become a materialist and was enjoying such astounding results thanks to modern medicine that there was no going back. So as cavalierly as scratching someone’s name from a list of people who get in free for the show, I wrote off an entire and very solid support network.
Something about me needs to be isolated. My ability to deceive myself to keep myself isolated apparently knows no bounds. Now I don’t want to drag you, my blogger buds, down in the muck with me. I don’t want you to know that on the bad days I sincerely believe there is no hope for any of us. Perhaps most important, I don’t like being seen when I’m fucked up. Can’t spell, can’t play, can’t do much of anything. It’s what the treatment centers called false pride.
Anyway, all of you, as always, have been invaluable in making what is a potentially devastating time much easier to bear. I appreciate you comments and email. The encouragement and the rebukes are strong stuff and will help me make it to the other side of this void. Thanks to all of you.
If pathological means more or less what I think it means then my tendency to isolate is pathological. I think it takes on a life of its own apart from my addiction and even my bipolar, or whatever keeps me so fucked up emotionally. I wrote about it atHow Depression Keeps Me Isolated. This morning I’m starting to suspect there’s more to it than I have previously realized.
What I seem to be in the process of doing is shutting myself off from you, my blogger buddies. I’m not sure how, why, or even when it started. I recognized it, however, as I was replying to an email and pulling my punches because I’m so sagacious that what I know might damage someone less enlightened. See, I’m doing it for your own good because I don’t want you to follow my example or embrace the flawed philosophy I try and live by. I’m a martyr!
Don’t know how I managed to see it. Just one of those crazy little flashes of insight some of us sometimes get. The most dramatic instance of this particular vein of crazy thinking would be when I wrote off AA and my contacts in that organization. I had become a materialist and was enjoying such astounding results thanks to modern medicine that there was no going back. So as cavalierly as scratching someone’s name from a list of people who get in free for the show, I wrote off an entire and very solid support network.
Something about me needs to be isolated. My ability to deceive myself to keep myself isolated apparently knows no bounds. Now I don’t want to drag you, my blogger buds, down in the muck with me. I don’t want you to know that on the bad days I sincerely believe there is no hope for any of us. Perhaps most important, I don’t like being seen when I’m fucked up. Can’t spell, can’t play, can’t do much of anything. It’s what the treatment centers called false pride.
Anyway, all of you, as always, have been invaluable in making what is a potentially devastating time much easier to bear. I appreciate you comments and email. The encouragement and the rebukes are strong stuff and will help me make it to the other side of this void. Thanks to all of you.