The good thing about banging you ...

The good thing about banging your head against a wall? It's amazing how good it feels when you stop. That's kind of how I've been feeling lately about being back on meds. The feeling that this is sooo much better. I'd forgotten the part that happens after that however. The 'now what' empty feeling. Like there's a bubble forming around me very slowly but surely that creates a disconnect between me and the world. I'm not going to go on complaining about it however, as it beats the alternative. Things could suck a lot worse.

I'm determined that this issue won't impede my main goal of the year though. It's going to make it a lot tougher, and probably draw the process out a lot longer, but I WILL make progress. That goal being to deal with some of the unresolved anger/hurt I've been stuffing down for years. It's time.

I was reading a post by P.J. about this, and it reinforced what I've been thinking about for quite a while now. It's time to actually deal with some of this stuff I'm carrying around. It's just getting in the way of so much... most of all my ability to connect with others. It may even be possible to try another stint of being med free in the long run. But I'm not going to rush into that one by a long shot. This past depression really scared me. My suicidal thoughts were getting far too out of hand. I really felt out of control.

In a way I feel out of control now too, as in, I just can't seem to focus on anything. But at least I'm still in the game. I suppose a dumbed-down me is better than no me at all. Although there've been times when I didn't agree myself on this one.