My balance is not right. When I woke up from surgery back in july I had a balance issue. When I would sit upright I would tend to lean to the left. That seemed to resolve itself quickly, but lately I notice it seems to be returning. I don't know if its because of the weakness on my leftside, although I would think that would cause me to lean to the right, but I do notice a bit of leaning. My left side is really bothering me. i took a shower today and it takes a lot of strength to stay upright in the shower, same with brushing my teeth or washing my face, it all hurts my left side. I have been putting Icy Hot on my side to help ease the ache, especially at night, it has been helping me sleep. The ache runs all the way up from my hip to my shoulder. The past couple of nights I've also been taking a pain pill and a xanax to help me sleep. Have been having trouble getting to sleep. I also have been waking up several times during the night to go to the bathroom, though I've been getting that better under control. Its just been taking me a bit longer to fall asleep lately. Lots of thoughts racing through my mind. Fear about my leg never getting stronger, though it is getting better every day when I work on it, though I toke a day off because I pushed too hard the other day and ended up with a bad headache and so I did nothing the next day and so today I noticed its harder to do any of the knee exercises. I need to do them every day to get my knee back! That is the scary part. Take one day off and I lose what I had gotten! Plus I am worried about money. I did get the $5000 in fundraiser money that we wanted but I haven't seen a dime of it, the website is paying the bills directly and so I have to wait for all the bills to be paid and last week my landlord almost didn't want to accept the money because it was drawn on a Canadian bank. haven't heard anything since so I think it went through.
I'm weening off the steroids again and getting headaches again, though right now I am still taking more than I was when I started getting the headaches the first time so I have no reason to panic about swelling yet, but last week when I tried to ween off the steroids I started getting the headaches so I have that worry, that there is still swelling and that surgery was not the better choice. The doc wanted to do surgery because he thought it would be better for my leg, which now is way worse, and because he was afraid of post gamma knife swelling, but I have post surgery swelling so what is the difference? I think I should have done the gamma knife! At least then I would still be able to walk!
My head hurts a lot of the time, sometimes just a little, sometimes a lot. Sometimes its because of the way I lay my head down on the pillows, sometimes its because of me straining during my exercises. No matter what the cause its happening more lately than it used to. This has me scared. I used to think everything was good, that I was gonna be fine and everything was gonna work out just fine, this time I'm not so sure. This time it is completely different. I feel different. I don't know if I am going to make it for much longer. If the swelling continues or if the tumor comes back and I can't fix it with gamma knife, I'm done. They are not cutting my head open again. I can't do it anymore. I want to get back to work and fall in love and live life, but I can't suffer like this much more, its just too hard. Especially because I am pretty much doing it by myself. Yes my mom is here, but its not like she is a big emotional support system. She is more a physical support, she helps me do the physical stuff and the emotional stuff is left alone. If I cry she cries and that does neither of us any good. I don't really have any emotional support so its getting harder to keep going.
I'm weening off the steroids again and getting headaches again, though right now I am still taking more than I was when I started getting the headaches the first time so I have no reason to panic about swelling yet, but last week when I tried to ween off the steroids I started getting the headaches so I have that worry, that there is still swelling and that surgery was not the better choice. The doc wanted to do surgery because he thought it would be better for my leg, which now is way worse, and because he was afraid of post gamma knife swelling, but I have post surgery swelling so what is the difference? I think I should have done the gamma knife! At least then I would still be able to walk!
My head hurts a lot of the time, sometimes just a little, sometimes a lot. Sometimes its because of the way I lay my head down on the pillows, sometimes its because of me straining during my exercises. No matter what the cause its happening more lately than it used to. This has me scared. I used to think everything was good, that I was gonna be fine and everything was gonna work out just fine, this time I'm not so sure. This time it is completely different. I feel different. I don't know if I am going to make it for much longer. If the swelling continues or if the tumor comes back and I can't fix it with gamma knife, I'm done. They are not cutting my head open again. I can't do it anymore. I want to get back to work and fall in love and live life, but I can't suffer like this much more, its just too hard. Especially because I am pretty much doing it by myself. Yes my mom is here, but its not like she is a big emotional support system. She is more a physical support, she helps me do the physical stuff and the emotional stuff is left alone. If I cry she cries and that does neither of us any good. I don't really have any emotional support so its getting harder to keep going.