Once again I am struck with a wave of sadness and major frustration. I really need a job and have done everything I can to get one to know avail. My union tells me there are many others like me out there, yet I go on facebook and all my friends are posting how they are getting job after job. Now I am very happy for all my friends, I truly am, but I desperately need work! Why am I not finding work? I don't understand! I don't know how much more of this I can take! Sitting in my apartment everyday watching TV, surfing the web, trying to find the motivation to work out, trying to find the motivation to do anything! I haven't been sleeping well, my bed is so uncomfortable, and the weather keeps changing, cold then hot now its cold again.
As I am typing this I am lying on the couch and I feel very fat, uncomfortably fat. I am wearing sweat pants because even all my shorts are too tight right now, so I know I need to work out, but I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. I know I am supposed to think positively and I did, at the beginning of the month I was all this is gonna be a great year and things are really going to get better and then I got that temp job offer and I thought "finally" but then the whole disability not extending my health insurance thing went down and ruined it all, I just really need a job and I am able to work, I mean I worked for 2 months after my second surgery and I was fine, but my tumor grew back and I needed another surgery.... I know physically I am ready to work.
I am also terrified to tell my parents that I didn't take the temp job. They have not gotten home from their cruise yet. I am hoping I get at least one day of work before they get home, because that will make it easier for them to accept.
Another thing I have been having a major problem with is faith. Now I am not a religious person and I've never really had much faith until I was diagnosed. The timing of everything was too coincidental. I got prop jobs in time to get me into the union just in time to get health insurance before I was diagnosed, it all worked out perfectly, like someone was looking out for me. But now I can't say that any more. I used to always believe that I was being looked out for as far as money was concerned because whenever I was really broke or really needed money I would get a job or a check I wasn't expecting, always. After I joined the union I waited nine weeks for my first union job. I was getting ready to sell everything when I got a call and started working and didn't stop until my surgery 7 months later. But now I can't even sell stuff, no one will buy it. I've had a few people flake on buying my drum kit, I tried selling cd's, they are worthless any more, and dvd's aren't really worth much any more either. I don't really have much more except my computers and my tv and my tv. I don't get it.I thought I would be ok because I was always taken care of but right now I am in serious danger of losing my apartment after next month if I don't start working. I can't sell my car either because you can't take the bus to work on a movie set because you never know where you are going to be from day to day or what time your call will be and I'm not riding the bus at 2am! Plus my car is not worth anything any way, its a 1995 and has over 145,000 miles. I am at a loss. I keep doing what I think I am supposed to do and it keeps biting me in the ass so I actually did the opposite this time and its still biting me in the ass. I know I could go for 2 months without insurance as long as I made sure I had plenty of medication, but I didn't take the job thinking it was a sign that I was going to get work. I know its only been a little over a week, although it feels like forever, but still, I am running out of money! And don't even get me started about how I'm still alone, even more so than I used to be. I don't understand that either. I get that people move on with their lives, or that when you first get sick people worry and then they feel awkward and don't know how to act and all that, but what about those that have been around the past year, that know that I am healthy and fine and lonely. They obviously don't care. I have a hard time getting people to return my calls or messages so I just stop sending them and then others blame me for not getting out there, but when I am out there I get people not returning my calls and messages, what am I supposed to do? Even on facebook people aren't returning my messages so I am taking a break from that site for awhile, I think. My emotional well being depends on it!
I'm going to try to put some of this frustration to good use and exercise and then I will call the union like I do every day. Who knows, maybe today will be the day they have something for me!
As I am typing this I am lying on the couch and I feel very fat, uncomfortably fat. I am wearing sweat pants because even all my shorts are too tight right now, so I know I need to work out, but I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. I know I am supposed to think positively and I did, at the beginning of the month I was all this is gonna be a great year and things are really going to get better and then I got that temp job offer and I thought "finally" but then the whole disability not extending my health insurance thing went down and ruined it all, I just really need a job and I am able to work, I mean I worked for 2 months after my second surgery and I was fine, but my tumor grew back and I needed another surgery.... I know physically I am ready to work.
I am also terrified to tell my parents that I didn't take the temp job. They have not gotten home from their cruise yet. I am hoping I get at least one day of work before they get home, because that will make it easier for them to accept.
Another thing I have been having a major problem with is faith. Now I am not a religious person and I've never really had much faith until I was diagnosed. The timing of everything was too coincidental. I got prop jobs in time to get me into the union just in time to get health insurance before I was diagnosed, it all worked out perfectly, like someone was looking out for me. But now I can't say that any more. I used to always believe that I was being looked out for as far as money was concerned because whenever I was really broke or really needed money I would get a job or a check I wasn't expecting, always. After I joined the union I waited nine weeks for my first union job. I was getting ready to sell everything when I got a call and started working and didn't stop until my surgery 7 months later. But now I can't even sell stuff, no one will buy it. I've had a few people flake on buying my drum kit, I tried selling cd's, they are worthless any more, and dvd's aren't really worth much any more either. I don't really have much more except my computers and my tv and my tv. I don't get it.I thought I would be ok because I was always taken care of but right now I am in serious danger of losing my apartment after next month if I don't start working. I can't sell my car either because you can't take the bus to work on a movie set because you never know where you are going to be from day to day or what time your call will be and I'm not riding the bus at 2am! Plus my car is not worth anything any way, its a 1995 and has over 145,000 miles. I am at a loss. I keep doing what I think I am supposed to do and it keeps biting me in the ass so I actually did the opposite this time and its still biting me in the ass. I know I could go for 2 months without insurance as long as I made sure I had plenty of medication, but I didn't take the job thinking it was a sign that I was going to get work. I know its only been a little over a week, although it feels like forever, but still, I am running out of money! And don't even get me started about how I'm still alone, even more so than I used to be. I don't understand that either. I get that people move on with their lives, or that when you first get sick people worry and then they feel awkward and don't know how to act and all that, but what about those that have been around the past year, that know that I am healthy and fine and lonely. They obviously don't care. I have a hard time getting people to return my calls or messages so I just stop sending them and then others blame me for not getting out there, but when I am out there I get people not returning my calls and messages, what am I supposed to do? Even on facebook people aren't returning my messages so I am taking a break from that site for awhile, I think. My emotional well being depends on it!
I'm going to try to put some of this frustration to good use and exercise and then I will call the union like I do every day. Who knows, maybe today will be the day they have something for me!