I went to therapy today. I like this therapist, but I did cry when I left, but mostly because I was relieved. We talked about antidepressants and whether or not I should start taking them. He told me that during the short time we have talked I gave him at least 6 reasons that I should start taking them and that I shouldn't feel ashamed or anything about it because he thinks if I wasn't the least bit depressed he would be more worried about me with the year I have had. I am totally handling things very well and its ok to need a little help, especially because I don't have much of a support system. So now that I think about it, any of my friends who have had trouble with hearing me complain about things this past year can just kiss my ass. I had a tough year and yes, I know it could be worse, but no one I know has had it worse than me, except for the folks in my support group, so if my friends can't take it, thaqt's their problem, not mine. I deserve to be able to feel sad for myself, but at least I am trying to do something about it. The worst part is that I think on some level part of me wishes I would be sick again so I could get the attention again. How pathetic! But the truth is I got more phone calls the first week I was in the hospital than I have in the past 4 months! I know I have friends and they do care about me, they just don't care enough to show it as much as they did then. Sucks for me, part of the reason I am so depressed all the time, because I have no one here for me. I have tried to do things with friends but they don't have time for me so I am tired of trying. Mostly I stay home and watch tv. If I get invited somewhere I go, I hardly ever turn down an invitation, but I rarely get invitations. It will be better when I get back to work, at least then I will be surrounded by people all day that it makes coming home to an empty (except for my cat) apartment easier to handle. I have taken a class and tried the internet, the universe seems to want me to be alone. Fine, whatever.
