Trying to Get By

Was in a sad mood again today. And I have a headache. I am thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. I saw a psychologist before my third surgery, but she really didn't know what to say to me and had nothing to offer me. I am thinking psychiatrist in case I actually need to be put on something. I do tend to go up and down a lot. It is frustrating. I don't want to be on antidepressants, but I don't like the way I have been feeling lately. Maybe once the procedure is over I can get on with my life and change the way I view life. I want to be happy and in return attract happiness to me. Its hard to do that with four tumors in your head! Unfortunately its about all I can think about and when I am not thinking about them I am thinking about how alone I am. I know that I have to change my way of thinking, its just hard. Especially since, other than the party I went to Saturday, I haven't heard from any of my friends in a very long time. Except for one, but she wanted something from me. She was nice enough to invite me over to get out of this apartment and spend time with someone, which I did (last week) But haven't heard from anyone else in like a month. I have given up on most of them. I will keep trying with the ones I care most about, but the rest I give up on. If they didn't care enough about me to call and see how I am doing after my third surgery this year then I don't need them in my life. Out with the bad. Now lets get this procedure over with and see where things go from there. Maybe I can get a new outlook on life after this procedure. I started to after my first surgery, but it wasn't too long before I became bitter and angry again. I don't want to be that bitter person any more, but it is so easy to get back into that frame of mind when nothing seems to be going my way and I am still alone.

I have an appointment at the gamma knife center tomorrow morning, its not for the procedure, but it leads up to the procedure so I am getting there. I really hope that after this procedure I can be happy, happy that I am alive, happy about what I have- not bitter about what I don't. I recognize where the problem lies, its just the journey that is difficult.

Another pity party! Well, depression comes with the territory and the best way for me to deal with it is to write it all out. Why not post it for others to see and who knows, maybe someone will understand how I feel. Maybe someone else is feeling the same way and now they realize they are not alone.

So the gamma knife thing. My appointment is for 8am. that sucks. I am a night person. When I am not working I tend to stay up late, I don't try to and its not like I am doing anything, its just the way I am wired. So staying up late leads to sleeping late and sleeping late makes it hard to go to bed early! I am going to be really tired tomorrow! My procedure will hopefully take place next week. No one has called to give me an appointment. I figure I will find out tomorrow. I know they are trying to get me in as soon as possible seeing that I was supposed to have the procedure last week. I will definitely post on how the appointment goes and what I find out. Plus I know the hospital I am going to has support groups. I have already tried to contact one of them, but no one called me back- how's that for supportive?!! Maybe I can get better info in person.

Just to let you all know, I have been dealing with depression most of my life. It is only worsened by this experience and not everyone with this problem will feel this way. And hopefully you have family and friends to help you through the experience. Plus there are some great support groups online. They are helpful.

Well, this computer is making my headache worse. Not to worry, this is the first headache I have had in weeks and I think it is allergy related because my sinuses are bothering me too.

TTFN