For Grey's Anatomy fans - you know what this pic means. Dr. Izzy Stephens (played by Katherine Heigl) just had her best performance to date last Thursday. This week's episode tonight is going to be very interesting. Before I get to my discussion on last week's episode - let's catch up a bit on my own medical drama.
I had my clinic appointment yesterday - something I assumed would be 'routine', 'quick' and 'uneventful'. I assumed wrong. Obviously I was wearing rose colored glasses when I read the results from my CT scan - the doctor begged to differ a bit with my assumption that all was stable.
I have a new adventure tomorrow - back to the hospital - back to radiology. First up is a neck x-ray - C7-T1 more specifically. This is where my pain has been for over a month now - and the doc is thinking that the kidney cancer has probably metastasized to my spine. The pain is bad - nothing alleviates it. Not ice, not heat and certainly not Tylenol with Codeine. It hurts to lay in bed - hurts to sit in the recliner. Sleeping is becoming a chore at this point. My pain is not muscular - more likely 'bone pain'. Apparently the C7-T1 area is a pretty common spot for mets to go. Go figure. My cancer is not only a pain in the ass - but a pain in the neck too.
The finale will consist of a pelvic ultrasound for the bilateral adnexal masses - the right one has been there since October 2007. Again, doc is suspecting ovarian cancer - or at least cancer where my ovaries are concerned. I don't know if kidney cancer can spread to ovaries - all I know is that both 'masses' used to be referred to as cysts - then complex cysts - now they are just referred to as masses. Now my doc is indicting that it doesn't look good. Yea - tell me something I don't know.
So - not a good day in my neighborhood yesterday. Mentally I am feeling a little better this morning - but still unsettled by the suspicions of my doctor. I hope he is wrong - I don't need - nor do I want - more bad news on my plate. I have enough to deal with - and I think I have been a pretty good sport in regards to 'The Game' of cancer. I pray that nothing else is wrong - I really need the neck x-ray and ultrasound to come back normal. Perhaps I am not facing reality - perhaps I am hoping for something that is unrealistic. I don't know - and I don't care. I cope in whatever way I can. Sometimes hope is all we have - so I will hold to that until a test tells me otherwise. In a perfect world my results will be back by 5pm tomorrow - but I somehow think my patience will be tested by having to wait until Monday for the results.
Now - to my discussion of Grey's Anatomy last week. I was so moved by that episode - moved so much in fact that I just could not comment on it until now. I cried so much - and it stirred so much emotion within. Dr. Izzy Stephens' cancer diagnosis was finally revealed to everyone. Before the major revelation, her co-worker (Christina), the first person she confided in about her diagnosis, had been bending over backwards to get Izzy looked at by a specialist. Christina was so incensed over Izzy not wanting treatment. Izzy's reasoning? "I know too much" - something I sympathized with. Knowledge is power - but knowing too much makes you leery of surgery and treatment when you know the outcome isn't going to change - when you know the statistics of survival are low.
I was in Izzy's corner as she expressed her desire to not seek treatment. I could feel her characters need for 'quality of life' - though those exact words were never uttered. I had hoped that this story plot would show cancer from another perspective - the cancer patient who either can't or doesn't get treatment. But, in the end, Izzy succumbed to her friends request to get treatment. One of Christina's comments that cut like a knife was her statement, "Why did you tell me if you didn't want help"? Cancer patients talk about it because we need to - not because we expect anyone to do anything necessarily. The reality is that it is different for everyone - but just because I tell you about my cancer, doesn't mean I expect you to fix it. We talk about our cancer because we need to express our emotions - cancer is too big of a thing to carry yourself - too big to keep a secret.
At the close of last week's episode, Izzy was changing out of her scrubs and into a hospital gown, all of her friends/co-workers surrounding her, as she crawled into a hospital bed. My impression is that she is preparing for chemo and surgery. As long as that is what she wants to do - that is great. My take was that she had already resolved to not do treatment or surgery - but now she feels obligated because that is what her support group wants. I would have preferred the story line go a bit differently - but hey - some people only see cancer in one light. I just would have liked to see this story go in an alternative direction. Perhaps it is because I haven't been able to get treatment/surgery due to factors such as no insurance, no cash and a poor surgical candidate. Oh well - it's just a show - but I know there are many, many others out there just like me. They suffer from cancer and are choosing quality of life - some choose freely - others choose it because there is no other choice - quality of life becomes the consolation prize when there is no one that will help you because of money.
I can't believe it is Thursday again. Time for another episode of ER - time for another episode of Grey's Anatomy. I need the distraction quite frankly. For me, medical drama shows don't bother me. Just the opposite - it shows me that my situation isn't so bad - others are worse off than me. This week I am feeling pretty bad about my situation and upcoming tests. It's odd - I have had cancer for how long now - and yet the thought of it showing up somewhere else feels like the first time I found out I had cancer. I thought I had dealt with this - that I could handle anything. I thought wrong. I am not prepared to hear that the devil has chosen another playground in my body. I think that is why so many kidney cancer patients refer to their cancer as 'The Beast' - it comes to steal, destroy and kill.
I had my clinic appointment yesterday - something I assumed would be 'routine', 'quick' and 'uneventful'. I assumed wrong. Obviously I was wearing rose colored glasses when I read the results from my CT scan - the doctor begged to differ a bit with my assumption that all was stable.
I have a new adventure tomorrow - back to the hospital - back to radiology. First up is a neck x-ray - C7-T1 more specifically. This is where my pain has been for over a month now - and the doc is thinking that the kidney cancer has probably metastasized to my spine. The pain is bad - nothing alleviates it. Not ice, not heat and certainly not Tylenol with Codeine. It hurts to lay in bed - hurts to sit in the recliner. Sleeping is becoming a chore at this point. My pain is not muscular - more likely 'bone pain'. Apparently the C7-T1 area is a pretty common spot for mets to go. Go figure. My cancer is not only a pain in the ass - but a pain in the neck too.
The finale will consist of a pelvic ultrasound for the bilateral adnexal masses - the right one has been there since October 2007. Again, doc is suspecting ovarian cancer - or at least cancer where my ovaries are concerned. I don't know if kidney cancer can spread to ovaries - all I know is that both 'masses' used to be referred to as cysts - then complex cysts - now they are just referred to as masses. Now my doc is indicting that it doesn't look good. Yea - tell me something I don't know.
So - not a good day in my neighborhood yesterday. Mentally I am feeling a little better this morning - but still unsettled by the suspicions of my doctor. I hope he is wrong - I don't need - nor do I want - more bad news on my plate. I have enough to deal with - and I think I have been a pretty good sport in regards to 'The Game' of cancer. I pray that nothing else is wrong - I really need the neck x-ray and ultrasound to come back normal. Perhaps I am not facing reality - perhaps I am hoping for something that is unrealistic. I don't know - and I don't care. I cope in whatever way I can. Sometimes hope is all we have - so I will hold to that until a test tells me otherwise. In a perfect world my results will be back by 5pm tomorrow - but I somehow think my patience will be tested by having to wait until Monday for the results.
Now - to my discussion of Grey's Anatomy last week. I was so moved by that episode - moved so much in fact that I just could not comment on it until now. I cried so much - and it stirred so much emotion within. Dr. Izzy Stephens' cancer diagnosis was finally revealed to everyone. Before the major revelation, her co-worker (Christina), the first person she confided in about her diagnosis, had been bending over backwards to get Izzy looked at by a specialist. Christina was so incensed over Izzy not wanting treatment. Izzy's reasoning? "I know too much" - something I sympathized with. Knowledge is power - but knowing too much makes you leery of surgery and treatment when you know the outcome isn't going to change - when you know the statistics of survival are low.
I was in Izzy's corner as she expressed her desire to not seek treatment. I could feel her characters need for 'quality of life' - though those exact words were never uttered. I had hoped that this story plot would show cancer from another perspective - the cancer patient who either can't or doesn't get treatment. But, in the end, Izzy succumbed to her friends request to get treatment. One of Christina's comments that cut like a knife was her statement, "Why did you tell me if you didn't want help"? Cancer patients talk about it because we need to - not because we expect anyone to do anything necessarily. The reality is that it is different for everyone - but just because I tell you about my cancer, doesn't mean I expect you to fix it. We talk about our cancer because we need to express our emotions - cancer is too big of a thing to carry yourself - too big to keep a secret.
At the close of last week's episode, Izzy was changing out of her scrubs and into a hospital gown, all of her friends/co-workers surrounding her, as she crawled into a hospital bed. My impression is that she is preparing for chemo and surgery. As long as that is what she wants to do - that is great. My take was that she had already resolved to not do treatment or surgery - but now she feels obligated because that is what her support group wants. I would have preferred the story line go a bit differently - but hey - some people only see cancer in one light. I just would have liked to see this story go in an alternative direction. Perhaps it is because I haven't been able to get treatment/surgery due to factors such as no insurance, no cash and a poor surgical candidate. Oh well - it's just a show - but I know there are many, many others out there just like me. They suffer from cancer and are choosing quality of life - some choose freely - others choose it because there is no other choice - quality of life becomes the consolation prize when there is no one that will help you because of money.
I can't believe it is Thursday again. Time for another episode of ER - time for another episode of Grey's Anatomy. I need the distraction quite frankly. For me, medical drama shows don't bother me. Just the opposite - it shows me that my situation isn't so bad - others are worse off than me. This week I am feeling pretty bad about my situation and upcoming tests. It's odd - I have had cancer for how long now - and yet the thought of it showing up somewhere else feels like the first time I found out I had cancer. I thought I had dealt with this - that I could handle anything. I thought wrong. I am not prepared to hear that the devil has chosen another playground in my body. I think that is why so many kidney cancer patients refer to their cancer as 'The Beast' - it comes to steal, destroy and kill.