I met with my medical Onc whom as I have said before, I LOVE! She is always so reassuring, and calming and always makes me feel safe. My appointment yesterday was no different. In fact, not only were my CT clear and my CA - 125 a lovely number 5....but she looked me dead in the eyes and said to me "I really think that you are going to be just fine, and that you don't have to worry about a recurrence because I really consider you cured."
My eyes welled up momentarily, did I hear her right? Do oncologists really use that word? I never thought that would be something I'd hear, especially what seems like so soon. She said that I am approaching three years next month as NED (no evidence of disease) and that due to my continuous results she said that I should start considering decreasing my amount of tests / doc visits.
Wow, I was not prepared for this. I mean don't get me wrong, it feels great to HEAR. I am not sure I can BELIEVE it though. Not yet anyway. I hope that this is something I someday can internalize, but now....no, it still feels too fresh in my mind. Though, I am aware that the further out I do get the more my anxiety decreases and the less I think about it (though less is still a lot, but it is indeed less than it was). She asked me what I was comfortable with regarding my after care at this point. I asked that we continue the same regimen for another six months, and than we can cut back in 2008 to perhaps 2 visits a year instead of 4. I did though, state that I would like to continue having my blood drawn every three months for now. Though it is anxiety provoking, getting the results is so reassuring that it's worth it. Perhaps next year I will go to every 4 months. We'll see. I just was unprepared for hearing her suggest that I could cut back, and that I am CURED. What is that?
I feel like I have spent so much mental energy accepting that I have had cancer, trying to adapt the identity as a survivor. Now, here I am (gladly) faced with incorporating the idea of being "cured" of something that was so hard to internalize in the first place. I don't know how to do that. I want to, but I am not sure I can. Maybe that will come with time, maybe not ever. I still feel that I have to always have my guard up to protect myself from what "could be." And if I were to accept that I am indeed cured, I would somehow be vulnerable for greater hurt or something. I hope that some day, the idea of being cured can feel like a reality.
Also, news from my doc appointment that kind of bothered me, because as my hubbie says I "always have to find something" to analyze. I asked her how she felt about me taking a higher level estrogen pill, because some of the symptoms I have now on this pill are affecting my quality of life. Example, the pill I am on has such low estrogen that I have a great deal of menopausal symptoms like hot flashes, and night sweats. So, I asked if I could try a pill w/ slightly more estrogen to attempt to alleviate such symptoms. She told me that she was not totally comfortable with that, and would prefer me to remain on the current pill as precaution. Now, I am fully OK with that I have sucked it up for four years already I can continue to deal. That's not what bothers me. What is upsetting, is that should we decide to attempt a pregnancy - is my Onc ever going to give me the green light that messing with my hormones would be "safe" or "ok." I doubt it. That just scares me, and is upsetting. Not that we are thinking about doing so now, or even soon. But there will be a time, whenever it is - where we are faced with the decision do I take a risk and attempt pregnancy and chance that the cancer could be stimulated? Or do we take the safer route and forget the idea of pregnancy and consider more so other methods of having a family? Now, like I said we aren't there yet but the day will come when that will become much more of a weighted topic and I am really dreading that.
I hate to focus on the negative, believe me I am still on a high from my appointment and feel really good about it. Oh, and in other exciting news my hubs and I are going to start looking for a house of our own! Yay!
I met with my medical Onc whom as I have said before, I LOVE! She is always so reassuring, and calming and always makes me feel safe. My appointment yesterday was no different. In fact, not only were my CT clear and my CA - 125 a lovely number 5....but she looked me dead in the eyes and said to me "I really think that you are going to be just fine, and that you don't have to worry about a recurrence because I really consider you cured."
My eyes welled up momentarily, did I hear her right? Do oncologists really use that word? I never thought that would be something I'd hear, especially what seems like so soon. She said that I am approaching three years next month as NED (no evidence of disease) and that due to my continuous results she said that I should start considering decreasing my amount of tests / doc visits.
Wow, I was not prepared for this. I mean don't get me wrong, it feels great to HEAR. I am not sure I can BELIEVE it though. Not yet anyway. I hope that this is something I someday can internalize, but now....no, it still feels too fresh in my mind. Though, I am aware that the further out I do get the more my anxiety decreases and the less I think about it (though less is still a lot, but it is indeed less than it was). She asked me what I was comfortable with regarding my after care at this point. I asked that we continue the same regimen for another six months, and than we can cut back in 2008 to perhaps 2 visits a year instead of 4. I did though, state that I would like to continue having my blood drawn every three months for now. Though it is anxiety provoking, getting the results is so reassuring that it's worth it. Perhaps next year I will go to every 4 months. We'll see. I just was unprepared for hearing her suggest that I could cut back, and that I am CURED. What is that?
I feel like I have spent so much mental energy accepting that I have had cancer, trying to adapt the identity as a survivor. Now, here I am (gladly) faced with incorporating the idea of being "cured" of something that was so hard to internalize in the first place. I don't know how to do that. I want to, but I am not sure I can. Maybe that will come with time, maybe not ever. I still feel that I have to always have my guard up to protect myself from what "could be." And if I were to accept that I am indeed cured, I would somehow be vulnerable for greater hurt or something. I hope that some day, the idea of being cured can feel like a reality.
Also, news from my doc appointment that kind of bothered me, because as my hubbie says I "always have to find something" to analyze. I asked her how she felt about me taking a higher level estrogen pill, because some of the symptoms I have now on this pill are affecting my quality of life. Example, the pill I am on has such low estrogen that I have a great deal of menopausal symptoms like hot flashes, and night sweats. So, I asked if I could try a pill w/ slightly more estrogen to attempt to alleviate such symptoms. She told me that she was not totally comfortable with that, and would prefer me to remain on the current pill as precaution. Now, I am fully OK with that I have sucked it up for four years already I can continue to deal. That's not what bothers me. What is upsetting, is that should we decide to attempt a pregnancy - is my Onc ever going to give me the green light that messing with my hormones would be "safe" or "ok." I doubt it. That just scares me, and is upsetting. Not that we are thinking about doing so now, or even soon. But there will be a time, whenever it is - where we are faced with the decision do I take a risk and attempt pregnancy and chance that the cancer could be stimulated? Or do we take the safer route and forget the idea of pregnancy and consider more so other methods of having a family? Now, like I said we aren't there yet but the day will come when that will become much more of a weighted topic and I am really dreading that.
I hate to focus on the negative, believe me I am still on a high from my appointment and feel really good about it. Oh, and in other exciting news my hubs and I are going to start looking for a house of our own! Yay!