Elizabeth Kubler-Ross - Pick A Stage

I remember my first Psych course in college. I had a great professor, Dr. Sandra K. Neal, and found a love for how the mind works and what makes people tick. At one point I had considered psychology as a career - that is, until I discovered that I would have to go a whole lot further in college than just an Associate or Bachelor degree to make any real money. I had a chance to pursue nursing or psychology.....instead I chose accounting.....a choice that almost demands therapy on my part.



One of the first things we learned was the Kubler-Ross Theory - Stages of Grief.



The Stages of Grief as identified by Kubler-Ross are:



-Denial (this isn't happening)

-Anger (why is this happening?)

-Bargaining (I promise....)

-Depression (I don't care...it is all doom)

-Acceptance (I can do this!)



These stages, in real life, don't necessarily occur in this order. For me, it is like hopscotch - each stage representing a 'block' in the game. I do Anger, Depression, a little Acceptance, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, etc.. Each day is different. The hardest part is knowing I am only initially dealing with one urologist's diagnosis - I haven't even heard what the specialist will say yet nor read the pathology report. For now, I am dealing with the initial shock. Being told that I have cancer takes so much out of my control. I cannot control what this cancer has done or what it will do in the future. The only control I have is learning everything I possibly can NOW so that I can have an intelligent conversation with my doctor and stand half a chance of knowing what he is talking about.



For me the stages read a little something like this:



- Denial (Dr. Rude could have been wrong...all he did was look at my CT films. He said he wasn't capable of doing the surgery - so why should I think that he knows the first thing about kidney cancer)



- Anger (I cannot even believe this is happening right now - the most inconvenient time of all. Why couldn't this happen when we have insurance and some money in the bank? )



- Bargaining (Ok God - I will do this cancer thing....just please let my dad's heart be ok and heal my husbands tooth infection and pain.) By the way - God did heal my husband's tooth pain the other day and dad's stress test is today....so I may be arbitrarily pushed to the acceptance phase for the duration.



- Depression (I don't think I can do this.....what if it has spread....what if I die in surgery....what if....what if....what if???)



- Acceptance (Alright - I can do this. I have made it through so many other things in my life...I can make it through this. I have done college....I have done unemployment....I did methotrexate for a molar pregnancy.....I can do cancer.)



The stages and the feelings are different for everyone. There is no right way to do grief. You just allow yourself to feel the emotions - cry, even scream if you have to - just let the emotions out so you can get on with tackling this and healing.