Hanging

Sorry I have left you all hanging. I found out that the PET/CT results look pretty good. No metastasis to other organs. Some improvement in my pelvis and maybe a little more thickening in my omentum. So all in all, not bad. Still, I wish one day it just showed up that there was nothing there, ya know. I am happy to report that Kelli who I mentioned last week had her surgery and is doing very well. They got it early at a Stage I so she has a great chance of being cured. To be honest, that was hard for me to read. I am soooo happy for her but it still popped into my head, why me. Why can't I be cured, why couldn't mine been caught that early. Why, why, why!!!!! I got over that. But something happened again this week, Wednesday was very emotional and rough from the moment I woke up! I even had some anxiety and had to take something to calm me down. It maybe because of my upcoming surgery, but I really haven't been thinking about it all that much. Well, probably more than I realize. It was a tough day. My life has just changed so much. I gave my notice at my job so now I am officially unemployed, no longer a working nurse practitioner. That is so hard, that was so much a part of who I am. I took pride that I was a working mom and had become a nurse practitioner. I am lonely at home! I wish my husband never has to go to work. I am so glad Angie is home somedays but then when it is just me, I am so lonely! I don't want to get out somedays but I don't want to be by myself either. I know, classic depression. Well I got on medication for that as soon as I was diagnosed! It's just hard at times. As much as I do well most of the time, some times it just all hits me like a pound of bricks and I can't help but melt down!

I am very nervous for this surgery for so many reasons. I am sad to be away from Ella for awhile. She got sick last night, pucked all over me and all over her bed and her floor in her room, ugh, it was a mess. But it allowed me to be so close to her and care for her, and that is what I need. To be needed! I feel like I am not needed anymore. It is really hard staying at home and being a mom, I now know how so many women feel that stay at home and raise there children. It is sooooo hard!! We also have our fertility payment for storage of our embryos due. We have to discuss what we want to do, do we want to pay to store them another year or go ahead and stop payment. I always wanted two children. But I can't even imagine right now having another child. I have such a lack of energy so much of the time, I have a hard enough time with Ella. Ugh. Sorry, I am just unleashing so much of my thoughts in the last 24-36 hours. I really need to go to bed, since we didn't sleep well last night because of Ella being sick. Thank you all for listening to my problems. Sorry to put them onto you. This blog helps me get it all out. I was seeing a counselor awhile ago, but I haven't gone in a few months. So you all are my counselor sitting in the chair next to me, listening to my thoughts. Thank you counselors. I think part of all this is the weather and not being able to get out much. Anyone else feeling like they are going crazy? I still have so much to be thankful for. I just wish this was all behind me and I could just move forward with my life! I want my life back!!!!! Good night, everyone! Cherish what you have, your health, your life, your loved ones! love, shawndra