I feel like I have three personalities now. One is the go to work, answer the questions people have about TB and appear outwardly calm while squashing my true feelings with a little smile on my face and trying very hard not to cry. The second one is being at home and trying to not be annoying or bothersome to TB by asking if I can do anything for him, etc. But lurking underneath it all is number three which is the one I really WANT to be and that I think I truly am, which is the stronger personality that would admit OUTLOUD that I’m scared shitless that I’ll lose my husband sooner than I’m willing to admit, so since number 1 or 2 are easier, I’ll stay with one of those.
But I don’t like those either. They’re fake. Yet, I can’t be at work and think about this all the time and cry, that wouldn’t get my work done and I’m probably just paranoid about how TB would react if he knew I was as scared as I am.
Are all my posts going to be a babbling bunch of odd thoughts? Does it matter?
I need to go pack, we’re heading out of town. Maybe I’ll have the guts to say something this weekend to him and that will help him understand why I’ve been acting the way I have around him.
Or maybe not.
I feel like I have three personalities now. One is the go to work, answer the questions people have about TB and appear outwardly calm while squashing my true feelings with a little smile on my face and trying very hard not to cry. The second one is being at home and trying to not be annoying or bothersome to TB by asking if I can do anything for him, etc. But lurking underneath it all is number three which is the one I really WANT to be and that I think I truly am, which is the stronger personality that would admit OUTLOUD that I’m scared shitless that I’ll lose my husband sooner than I’m willing to admit, so since number 1 or 2 are easier, I’ll stay with one of those.
But I don’t like those either. They’re fake. Yet, I can’t be at work and think about this all the time and cry, that wouldn’t get my work done and I’m probably just paranoid about how TB would react if he knew I was as scared as I am.
Are all my posts going to be a babbling bunch of odd thoughts? Does it matter?
I need to go pack, we’re heading out of town. Maybe I’ll have the guts to say something this weekend to him and that will help him understand why I’ve been acting the way I have around him.
Or maybe not.