It’s really freakin’ hard to be in a room with someone every single night and that someone is just gazing off (well, in the direction of the tv but trust me, he’s not ’seeing’ the tv), doesn’t respond to comments or questions. I don’t know what to do. He also doesn’t eat much at all. His idea of food for a day right now is a pb&j sandwich, a fat free yogurt and a glass of milk. Yeah, that will help to sustain the 230#/6foot guy. It’s not the time to lose weight, pal. Cancer eats at muscle - beef it up. Grrr. He doesn’t get it. Or doesn’t want to. Even though he’s not hungry for whatever reason, he still won’t eat knowing he needs to. He also sleeps. A lot. I’m not talking just sleeping in (he doesn’t work so he could, if he wanted to, sleep all day). I’m talking a 3 -4 hour nap every single day. I know he’s had a constant headache that’s unrelated to the cancer (his eyeglass scrip is affecting one eye, they said it’s just fine but he has headaches all the time) and maybe that’s contributing to this. Other times like when I got home from work tonight, he was in bed but he was all chatty and laughing and in a good mood. Sheesh. Talk about the Twilight Zone.
My thought? Depression. Scared. I would be too. I just wish he would talk to me. That’s all. I’ve told him twice now that though he’s going through this physically and emotionally that I am going through it emotionally also. We, as a couple, need to hang in there together. Don’t leave me out. Please. Don’t ignore your friends either.
At work this morning a good friend asked how I was. I said fine and started to tear up. Dammit. I can’t do that at work. I already have things going on there as it is that I need to be careful of and I don’t need to add the emotional blubberball to all that.
I started thinking about the future recently. I mean the future, future. Like 5 years from now. I’ll only be 50. If TB isn’t here, I’ll be alone in our house. A truck in the driveway that I can’t drive. I thought about whether or not I would date. My gut says no way. And not because I would feel like I were disrespecting TB. Hell, he’d be the first one to say get out there and have some fun. But I think it’s because I cannot imagine my life without him so how can I imagine being with someone else??
Tomorrow he has a bone scan, Thursday is a blood test and urine test and chemo class (for both of us). Next Tuesday is something else, I can’t remember off the top of my head. For sure I would imagine the MRI results but I seem to think we find out late next week what drug regiman he’ll be put on. Good thing I came across a small 3×5 day planner for him to track everything.
I keep thinking that he just wants to give up yet I don’t believe he would. He did say that while the study really sounds like it will suck (side effects and what is it really going to accomplish anyway), you can’t do nothing. Or you die.
It’s really freakin’ hard to be in a room with someone every single night and that someone is just gazing off (well, in the direction of the tv but trust me, he’s not ’seeing’ the tv), doesn’t respond to comments or questions. I don’t know what to do. He also doesn’t eat much at all. His idea of food for a day right now is a pb&j sandwich, a fat free yogurt and a glass of milk. Yeah, that will help to sustain the 230#/6foot guy. It’s not the time to lose weight, pal. Cancer eats at muscle - beef it up. Grrr. He doesn’t get it. Or doesn’t want to. Even though he’s not hungry for whatever reason, he still won’t eat knowing he needs to. He also sleeps. A lot. I’m not talking just sleeping in (he doesn’t work so he could, if he wanted to, sleep all day). I’m talking a 3 -4 hour nap every single day. I know he’s had a constant headache that’s unrelated to the cancer (his eyeglass scrip is affecting one eye, they said it’s just fine but he has headaches all the time) and maybe that’s contributing to this. Other times like when I got home from work tonight, he was in bed but he was all chatty and laughing and in a good mood. Sheesh. Talk about the Twilight Zone.
My thought? Depression. Scared. I would be too. I just wish he would talk to me. That’s all. I’ve told him twice now that though he’s going through this physically and emotionally that I am going through it emotionally also. We, as a couple, need to hang in there together. Don’t leave me out. Please. Don’t ignore your friends either.
At work this morning a good friend asked how I was. I said fine and started to tear up. Dammit. I can’t do that at work. I already have things going on there as it is that I need to be careful of and I don’t need to add the emotional blubberball to all that.
I started thinking about the future recently. I mean the future, future. Like 5 years from now. I’ll only be 50. If TB isn’t here, I’ll be alone in our house. A truck in the driveway that I can’t drive. I thought about whether or not I would date. My gut says no way. And not because I would feel like I were disrespecting TB. Hell, he’d be the first one to say get out there and have some fun. But I think it’s because I cannot imagine my life without him so how can I imagine being with someone else??
Tomorrow he has a bone scan, Thursday is a blood test and urine test and chemo class (for both of us). Next Tuesday is something else, I can’t remember off the top of my head. For sure I would imagine the MRI results but I seem to think we find out late next week what drug regiman he’ll be put on. Good thing I came across a small 3×5 day planner for him to track everything.
I keep thinking that he just wants to give up yet I don’t believe he would. He did say that while the study really sounds like it will suck (side effects and what is it really going to accomplish anyway), you can’t do nothing. Or you die.