This afternoon, as I prayed for healing - for my body to heal fully and completely - I began to cry. And quickly my praying led to begging. It totally caught me by surprise. I got so scared that this cancer is not going to slow down.
Fear has continued to show up throughout this whole experience. I express it and share it - whatever feels right - so it doesn't just sit inside me. But lately, I have been resisting it - not wanting to acknowledge my fear - in hopes that it would disappear. I thought if I felt afraid, it would mean I had been beaten, so I replaced my fear with positive thoughts. This afternoon with the help of a new friend, Megan, I remembered something I learned quite a while ago: Courage is not fearlessness. Courage is being afraid and taking action anyway.
On my
Saturday August 11th entry, I mentioned the heartbreak I felt about cancer and for those who are diagnosed. Today I realized it's more personal than that for me. Before I was diagnosed, it never dawned on me that I could get cancer. I believed that because I was in great shape, ate well, worked hard, "did the right thing" in the world and for my family (and occasionally drank a little more than necessary), that I would live a long healthy life, uninterrupted by such things. Once I was diagnosed and got present to how real this is, I was heartbroken - I just didn't know it. It broke my heart that the "world"
I lived in, or my reality, was not the real world. In the world I lived in, healthy, 36-year old men did not get cancer. In the
real world, "healthy" 36-year old men do get cancer. And when I came to terms with that - that the real world was not as safe as I thought - it broke my heart. And to tell you the truth - right now - I still don't particularly care for it. But don't worry. That doesn't include you. I like you just fine.
Fear has continued to show up throughout this whole experience. I express it and share it - whatever feels right - so it doesn't just sit inside me. But lately, I have been resisting it - not wanting to acknowledge my fear - in hopes that it would disappear. I thought if I felt afraid, it would mean I had been beaten, so I replaced my fear with positive thoughts. This afternoon with the help of a new friend, Megan, I remembered something I learned quite a while ago: Courage is not fearlessness. Courage is being afraid and taking action anyway.
On my Saturday August 11th entry, I mentioned the heartbreak I felt about cancer and for those who are diagnosed. Today I realized it's more personal than that for me. Before I was diagnosed, it never dawned on me that I could get cancer. I believed that because I was in great shape, ate well, worked hard, "did the right thing" in the world and for my family (and occasionally drank a little more than necessary), that I would live a long healthy life, uninterrupted by such things. Once I was diagnosed and got present to how real this is, I was heartbroken - I just didn't know it. It broke my heart that the "world" I lived in, or my reality, was not the real world. In the world I lived in, healthy, 36-year old men did not get cancer. In the real world, "healthy" 36-year old men do get cancer. And when I came to terms with that - that the real world was not as safe as I thought - it broke my heart. And to tell you the truth - right now - I still don't particularly care for it. But don't worry. That doesn't include you. I like you just fine.