Grieving

I think maybe sometimes we may think that grief is reserved for a death of someone we love. But grief occurs for many other reasons. In my old job of a nurse in the neonatal ICU we commonly saw parents grieving the loss of their "healthy, normal" baby when they delivered a sick or premature baby instead. It doesn't mean they don't love their baby. It just means that the vision and idea of the healthy baby they had planned for and dreamt about is not going to happen and they need to grieve for that child before they can come to accept the reality of what they have now. This is a necessary process to go through and parents often feel so much guilt for feeling the way that they do.

Grief can also occur when one is diagnosed with a chronic illness. I know it has for me. I grieve the loss of the life I had planned out. I had a vision of my future for myself, my family and my children. Now that vision is different, it was shifted and that is a tough thing to deal with.

We are taught in nursing school about the 5 stages of grief first named by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Some go thru all the stages, some only go thru a few, some get stuck on one stage and some go round round. Everyone is different and there is no correct way to grieve. I think I got stuck on Anger. Partly b/c of the way I was treated by the first few doctors I went to. But I used the anger to my advantage and it fueled my efforts to find a diagnosis and a plan to get help.

I think I have finally moved to the stage of acceptance. I know that this has changed my life and my old life that I had planned out is dead. In its place is this new life and future and I find that I can see the positives in it. I am now home with my children full time. I have had to slow down and let go of activities that are just not important in the scheme of things. I have more time to spend with my husband and children and I treasure that time more than ever. I am more patient and compassionate to others than I ever have been. This are all major blessings and I am grateful that I have had this wake up call this early in my life so I have all this time ahead to really do important things and spend my time on things that matter.

I also think our families go thru stages of grieving too. It is a big change for everyone. I think my younger daughter doesn't fully comprehend what is going on but my 8 year old certainly does and she has had a lot of trouble in the last year coming to grips with the changes in all of our lives. Mommy can't do the things she used to do. I don't go to work anymore so our family income is less and there are things that we have had to cut out b/c they are no longer in the budget. She has been very angry at God and at me. She has also had a lot of fears about my future health and changes still to come. I think she is coming to terms with it and we have talked a lot in the last year. I have tried to instill in her all the blessings there are in our life instead of only looking at the bad things. I have also asked for a referral for her to the school consellor. I think it always helps to talk to someone when you are dealing with these types of issues. I have also seen a consellor when I was first dx and an impartial person can be just the thing to help you work thru some of these feelings.

I am going to include the 5 stages of grief that I found on a fibromyalgia website. I think these are applicable to any chronic illness. It has helped me to be aware that what I am feeling is "normal" and OK. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. There is also no time limit.