Unlike her husband (please read my previous post about him), I am very troubled when I try to describe my mother. If you meet her, you would probably adore her and would tell me how lovely she is. Then, I would feel numb inside because you don’t know how inhuman she has been to me.
It is a universal common sense that mother is sacred. Mothers give unconditional love, protect and nature her children and give everything possible for her children to have happy and successful life. Although I don’t have children, I have instinct of mothers. It is an in-build instinct all female have. Because of these reasons, I still cannot forgive her completely. The emotional trauma she caused me by abuse and neglect is much harder to deal with than the trauma caused by her husband who also abused her.
Mothers deserve unconditional respect. Therefore, I had to struggle with guilt that I just cannot respect or love my mother.
Although it is no longer intense, I still have nightmares and emotional distress whenever something reminds me of her existence. Then I wake up from the nightmare with the exact frustration, distress, depression, longing for understanding and awful insecure feelings that I’ve been through. And my mind gets trapped in a deep & dark hole, circling in full speed like a storm, trying to analyse why and what.
During my adult time, I learned about domestic violence, child abuse, PTSD caused by neglect and abuse, paedophile, adults’ responsibilities for child protection, the rights that child should have and etc. My childhood negatively affected every aspect of my adult life. It was as if I was cursed by it. Every time I learned new information and realised what actually had happened to me, it forced me into severe depression and trauma. It seemed eternal and futile hell. Ironically, it was a necessary process for me to get over and move on.
My educated guess and sensitive observations (which is a survival skill developed as an abused child) gives me a picture what kind of life my mother had. I see she had struggling life as well. As a person, I can forgive her. Because she probably didn’t have much options.
As her child, however, I just cannot forgive her nor understand why. I feel it is unfair to judge her based on the general expectation for mothers. Am I too harsh on her? Do I have to ashamed of myself? But inside of me, there is a little girl who is begging for mother’s love, protection and understanding. No matter how hard I try, this little girl will not stop wishing she wasn’t born, or start smiling. The best I can do is to stay far away from my mother and avoid the traumatic memories and emotions come back to me.
I have been through many “what if I had a normal childhood”. I recently starting to feel that the “what if” has past its expiry date. I am at the age now that I cannot blame about my life on my childhood anymore. I have been striving to become the person I wanted to be. I recently realised that I would have achieved it with or without loving mother. Then it hit me that I actually have been the person after all.
What about my life? Well, it is a different story now. And I am still working on it.
Unlike her husband (please read my previous post about him), I am very troubled when I try to describe my mother. If you meet her, you would probably adore her and would tell me how lovely she is. Then, I would feel numb inside because you don’t know how inhuman she has been to me.
It is a universal common sense that mother is sacred. Mothers give unconditional love, protect and nature her children and give everything possible for her children to have happy and successful life. Although I don’t have children, I have instinct of mothers. It is an in-build instinct all female have. Because of these reasons, I still cannot forgive her completely. The emotional trauma she caused me by abuse and neglect is much harder to deal with than the trauma caused by her husband who also abused her.
Mothers deserve unconditional respect. Therefore, I had to struggle with guilt that I just cannot respect or love my mother.
Although it is no longer intense, I still have nightmares and emotional distress whenever something reminds me of her existence. Then I wake up from the nightmare with the exact frustration, distress, depression, longing for understanding and awful insecure feelings that I’ve been through. And my mind gets trapped in a deep & dark hole, circling in full speed like a storm, trying to analyse why and what.
During my adult time, I learned about domestic violence, child abuse, PTSD caused by neglect and abuse, paedophile, adults’ responsibilities for child protection, the rights that child should have and etc. My childhood negatively affected every aspect of my adult life. It was as if I was cursed by it. Every time I learned new information and realised what actually had happened to me, it forced me into severe depression and trauma. It seemed eternal and futile hell. Ironically, it was a necessary process for me to get over and move on.
My educated guess and sensitive observations (which is a survival skill developed as an abused child) gives me a picture what kind of life my mother had. I see she had struggling life as well. As a person, I can forgive her. Because she probably didn’t have much options.
As her child, however, I just cannot forgive her nor understand why. I feel it is unfair to judge her based on the general expectation for mothers. Am I too harsh on her? Do I have to ashamed of myself? But inside of me, there is a little girl who is begging for mother’s love, protection and understanding. No matter how hard I try, this little girl will not stop wishing she wasn’t born, or start smiling. The best I can do is to stay far away from my mother and avoid the traumatic memories and emotions come back to me.
I have been through many “what if I had a normal childhood”. I recently starting to feel that the “what if” has past its expiry date. I am at the age now that I cannot blame about my life on my childhood anymore. I have been striving to become the person I wanted to be. I recently realised that I would have achieved it with or without loving mother. Then it hit me that I actually have been the person after all.
What about my life? Well, it is a different story now. And I am still working on it.
Filed under: Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Thoughts