Hmmm.
Life is okay.
Am back to being 'happy'.
A little fake. A little in contrast to how I really feel. But, nevertheless, smiling.
It doesn't feel real. It feels like a mask, like I'm just pretending.
I hope it gets real soon. Flowerman assures me it will. Maybe a lot of people feel this way when they first start taking an antidepressant that really works well....? Anyone felt the same?
I'm scared, it's true.
I'm in unfamiliar territory, definitely.
It might feel good, but it's still unfamiliar, and therefore scary.
I stopped taking the Cymbalta for a while. I'm now back on it, and the difference is, once again, dramatic.
I realised (with some help), that fear was what was holding me back. Keeping me with one foot on either side of the fence, ready to flee.
I've stepped over now.
I decided to take the risk.
I decided that the risk was worth it. No matter how scary it was. After all, we can only get rid of our fears by facing them, right? The more familiar something becomes, the less scary it is.
I can't hide under the blanket forever. I have to take risks, or nothing will ever change.
It's one of the hugest decisions I've ever made, and it took lots of courage.
When I broke down at my appointment last week at the hospital, I felt devastated. But when B called me today, she described me as 'brave'. She is proud of how much emotion I am willing to express. She is thrilled that my anger is finally getting out there and becoming known. Flowerman is always pleased when I get angry too. They see it as progress because I have always stifled anger and strong emotions. For me to let it out - in front of others - is proof of how far our 'relationship' has progressed. I'm slowly beginning to trust.
And when I think about it, it occured to me that it's maybe a helpful feeling that I'm angry - because things are coming to the surface. Obviously something is touching me, something is being confronted, connections are being made internally. And in terms of understanding myself and moving through all this crap, that's got to be a good thing.
Over the last 2 years, I've become so much better at identifying what I'm feeling. Usually, it was all just one jumbled mess, basically just "horrible".
Now I can distinguish the difference between low, flat, depressed, angry, sad, grief, overwhelming, hurting/pain, etc. I can even really FEEL my emotions now. I feel them like a wave washing over me, back and forth, or perhaps stabbing. I also feel the corresponding 'pain' in my body, whether it be in my heart, my stomach, or wherever.
I truly FEEL.
At first it was absolutely terrifying, and often, it still is. But 99.9% of these emotions are completely bearable. I never thought I'd say that, ever. It's almost as though I thought that feeling anything would kill me. But it doesn't. And another huge lesson I've learnt - and this is why the feelings are bearable - is that the feelings pass. I guess I always knew that intellectually, but now I trust it... most of the time. When I'm not panicking LOL ;)
The only way I know they pass is because I allowed myself to feel them. Only by doing that, by letting the feelings come, confronting them, could I allow them to leave, to subside. And that's how it's supposed to be. That's how emotions work! Whilever I kept them trapped inside, denying them, not fully feeling them or letting it out, the more painful it got.
Maybe all this goes without saying. Perhaps you already know all this. But for me, this was a huge step, a massive lesson.
And so much of the lessons like this I've learned over the last few years have tought me another fact - there is a huge difference between 'knowing' something in your head (rationally)... and actually
KNOWINGit, experiencing it, feeling the truth of it in your heart. Huge. I'm still working on this one, though. I'll get there, I guess.
Hee, that turned into a longer, more serious rant than I thought! It's funny what comes out when you sit down to write with nothing in mind to write about. I guess what needs to come out, does.
B has encouraged me to do some free-association writing. And she wants me not to analyse it, but to leave that up to her and Flowerman. I guess that makes sense, after all, they're the experts, right? I think it will definitely be a challenge. Perhaps I should write and then force myself not to re-read it like I normally do... Hmm, should be interesting. Wish me luck.
It's mum's birthday today. She has spent the weekend going out for dinner and lunches and so on. She's being spoiled like she deserves! So, today we didn't do anything too special, but it was still a nice day. I bought her a box of Lindt chocolates, a crystal mobile charm and a nail polish dryer - it's battery operated. Funky.
Meanwhile, in other news, um... not much.
It's 1am now so I'd better get to bed. Thanks for reading.
Jac xXx
Life is okay.
Am back to being 'happy'.
A little fake. A little in contrast to how I really feel. But, nevertheless, smiling.
It doesn't feel real. It feels like a mask, like I'm just pretending.
I hope it gets real soon. Flowerman assures me it will. Maybe a lot of people feel this way when they first start taking an antidepressant that really works well....? Anyone felt the same?
I'm scared, it's true.
I'm in unfamiliar territory, definitely.
It might feel good, but it's still unfamiliar, and therefore scary.
I stopped taking the Cymbalta for a while. I'm now back on it, and the difference is, once again, dramatic.
I realised (with some help), that fear was what was holding me back. Keeping me with one foot on either side of the fence, ready to flee.
I've stepped over now.
I decided to take the risk.
I decided that the risk was worth it. No matter how scary it was. After all, we can only get rid of our fears by facing them, right? The more familiar something becomes, the less scary it is.
I can't hide under the blanket forever. I have to take risks, or nothing will ever change.
It's one of the hugest decisions I've ever made, and it took lots of courage.
When I broke down at my appointment last week at the hospital, I felt devastated. But when B called me today, she described me as 'brave'. She is proud of how much emotion I am willing to express. She is thrilled that my anger is finally getting out there and becoming known. Flowerman is always pleased when I get angry too. They see it as progress because I have always stifled anger and strong emotions. For me to let it out - in front of others - is proof of how far our 'relationship' has progressed. I'm slowly beginning to trust.
And when I think about it, it occured to me that it's maybe a helpful feeling that I'm angry - because things are coming to the surface. Obviously something is touching me, something is being confronted, connections are being made internally. And in terms of understanding myself and moving through all this crap, that's got to be a good thing.
Over the last 2 years, I've become so much better at identifying what I'm feeling. Usually, it was all just one jumbled mess, basically just "horrible".
Now I can distinguish the difference between low, flat, depressed, angry, sad, grief, overwhelming, hurting/pain, etc. I can even really FEEL my emotions now. I feel them like a wave washing over me, back and forth, or perhaps stabbing. I also feel the corresponding 'pain' in my body, whether it be in my heart, my stomach, or wherever.
I truly FEEL.
At first it was absolutely terrifying, and often, it still is. But 99.9% of these emotions are completely bearable. I never thought I'd say that, ever. It's almost as though I thought that feeling anything would kill me. But it doesn't. And another huge lesson I've learnt - and this is why the feelings are bearable - is that the feelings pass. I guess I always knew that intellectually, but now I trust it... most of the time. When I'm not panicking LOL ;)
The only way I know they pass is because I allowed myself to feel them. Only by doing that, by letting the feelings come, confronting them, could I allow them to leave, to subside. And that's how it's supposed to be. That's how emotions work! Whilever I kept them trapped inside, denying them, not fully feeling them or letting it out, the more painful it got.
Maybe all this goes without saying. Perhaps you already know all this. But for me, this was a huge step, a massive lesson.
And so much of the lessons like this I've learned over the last few years have tought me another fact - there is a huge difference between 'knowing' something in your head (rationally)... and actuallyKNOWINGit, experiencing it, feeling the truth of it in your heart. Huge. I'm still working on this one, though. I'll get there, I guess.
Hee, that turned into a longer, more serious rant than I thought! It's funny what comes out when you sit down to write with nothing in mind to write about. I guess what needs to come out, does.
B has encouraged me to do some free-association writing. And she wants me not to analyse it, but to leave that up to her and Flowerman. I guess that makes sense, after all, they're the experts, right? I think it will definitely be a challenge. Perhaps I should write and then force myself not to re-read it like I normally do... Hmm, should be interesting. Wish me luck.
It's mum's birthday today. She has spent the weekend going out for dinner and lunches and so on. She's being spoiled like she deserves! So, today we didn't do anything too special, but it was still a nice day. I bought her a box of Lindt chocolates, a crystal mobile charm and a nail polish dryer - it's battery operated. Funky.
Meanwhile, in other news, um... not much.
It's 1am now so I'd better get to bed. Thanks for reading.
Jac xXx