I Abide

Abide, beautiful word, soft word.

I abide.  Waiting for the next good day.  The next right time.  Waiting for the Crohn's to back off and give me some peace.

I don't think you need to have Crohn's or another chronic illness to relate to the word.  I think all of us from time to time 'abide.'

We abide and wait for the next payday to fix some thing or get some thing or pay a bill.  We wait for our child's emotional storm to pass or a friend or a spouse's difficult moment to ease.  

The seasons and holidays flow by and we abide -  knowing that it will get warmer, cooler, jollier.

Abide means something a bit different than 'wait'.  
It's closer to dwell, sojourn, continue.  Abide bespeaks a calmness, a faith, a knowing that what we need, want, wait for will come.

When things are bad, the pain is in command and Crohn's has taken over I become frustrated, angry, annoyed and hateful.  I choose to attempt to ignore my body's pleas for some rest.  Instead I view this as a personal weakness and if am strong enough I can stop it.  I see the latest Crohn's episode as a road block, a barrier that must be burst through, destroyed and kicked to the ground.  I push and push and tell myself that if I ignore it, beat it, throttle it, it will go away.  It took me a while to realize that the stress and anger was only making the situation worse.  When I say 'a while?'  I mean years.  What can I say?  I'm stubborn and slow.  

One day while curled up on my bed cursing every bit of my digestive system anatomical part by anatomical part I suddenly thought 'abide.'

Softly.  A whisper from my subconscious.

Abide.

I breathed through the word and relaxed.  I was so busy thinking about the word and all of the different meanings attributed to it over the generations that the pain took a back seat.

Abide. 

When things get bad I remember 'abide.'  I whisper to myself.  "Wait.  Patience. Abide."

  Today. Tomorrow. The next day, too, if need be. I will abide.