After two months off of work, who'd think I was ready for a vacation. Come noon today, I'm out again until January 2. Nice.
This week has been difficult. Everyone at work has been so genuinely nice. And they've been tolerant of my fuzzy head. But the work itself...the food, the recipes, the photos, the pervasive presence of all things edible...is torture.
Monday and Wednesday I had two meetings, each 1-1/2 hours long, where we looked at food photos on a big screen to select options for chapter openers in a book we're working on. One after another, hundreds and hundreds, we looked at every type of food you might find in a cookbook. The only thing missing for me was a bunch of electrode taped to my head to administer a dose of aversion therapy. It was so awful, it was funny.
The good news was that I didn't let myself wallow in eating disorder thoughts or behaviors. For as chaotic as the last seven days of my life have been, I've had only a couple set backs. I'll take that.
My calorie consumption is rising. I'm averaging 1600+ a day. And my nutritionist is ok with that. Now I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept that whatever I put into my body must stay in my body until it is digested. No purging. Maybe it will curb the impulsive binges. Or, it might just help me get super fat again because I have no self-control. That scares me. Purging has been a nice, easy outlet for me. It relieves anxiety and rids my body of the enemy. Without it, I could be consumed by the very stuff I consume.
So.
Vacation. Must plan meals. Must plan social interaction. Must stay focused. And repeat: Trust my body. Trust my support team. get out of my head. I am capable, lovable, worthy. Repeat after me.
After two months off of work, who'd think I was ready for a vacation. Come noon today, I'm out again until January 2. Nice.
This week has been difficult. Everyone at work has been so genuinely nice. And they've been tolerant of my fuzzy head. But the work itself...the food, the recipes, the photos, the pervasive presence of all things edible...is torture.
Monday and Wednesday I had two meetings, each 1-1/2 hours long, where we looked at food photos on a big screen to select options for chapter openers in a book we're working on. One after another, hundreds and hundreds, we looked at every type of food you might find in a cookbook. The only thing missing for me was a bunch of electrode taped to my head to administer a dose of aversion therapy. It was so awful, it was funny.
The good news was that I didn't let myself wallow in eating disorder thoughts or behaviors. For as chaotic as the last seven days of my life have been, I've had only a couple set backs. I'll take that.
My calorie consumption is rising. I'm averaging 1600+ a day. And my nutritionist is ok with that. Now I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept that whatever I put into my body must stay in my body until it is digested. No purging. Maybe it will curb the impulsive binges. Or, it might just help me get super fat again because I have no self-control. That scares me. Purging has been a nice, easy outlet for me. It relieves anxiety and rids my body of the enemy. Without it, I could be consumed by the very stuff I consume.
So.
Vacation. Must plan meals. Must plan social interaction. Must stay focused. And repeat: Trust my body. Trust my support team. get out of my head. I am capable, lovable, worthy. Repeat after me.