The title is my best attempt to sum up today's therapy appointment. Usually, I like to have some structure in my therapy sessions (surprise, surprise). I've been known to have topics on a post-it affixed neatly to the check made out to my therapist. Today, I had no such post-it. Today was really random.
Dad I went into the session saying that I'd taken her advice and talked to my dad. I'd been feeling weird since my sister's wedding, seeing him toast her and express feelings toward her that I just didn't think he had for me. Of course, when I called him, we both started crying in that father-daughter way that makes me cry just thinking about it. In a perfect world, I would classify this as a lesson in "Speaking Up and Getting Needs Met" and refer to it many times in the future. In reality, I will forget about this lesson and need to re-learn it over and over again. In any case, I feel really good about things with my family lately (though I'm wondering if my sister is ignoring my recent emails on purpose... I see another "Speak Up and Get Needs Met" lesson in my future).
Escaped cat After discussing the dad accomplishment, I confessed that I've been feeling a bit "off" lately. I told her that I go to sleep feeling kind of melancholy and wake up feeling melancholy-er. I said there was nothing significant I could think of to cause this recent bout of melancholy-ness. That's when she asked me if there was something "insignificant." Smart lady. Much to my surprise, I started bawling as I said that my cat disappeared. Yes, the cat I got right after treatment (8 years ago, almost to the day), is missing. She's an outdoor cat and likes to jump the fence and go wandering, but she's always come back. I've put up signs. I've been to the local shelter. Nothing. I can't help but feel guilty. Maybe the new kittens pissed her off (though she disappeared before they even arrived, so I don't know). I'm just...sad. I keep thinking, "It's just a cat, Kim. Get over it." But, I'm really upset about it. It sucks. It's been almost 2 weeks and I'm sad every time I go out to feed my other cat (morning and night). I'm nowhere near "over it."
Kanye West This is the point when my therapy session got really weird. I told my therapist that I'd been so emotional since my cat disappeared, emotional to the point that I cried when I saw Kanye West steal the spotlight from Taylor Swift at the VMAs. I don't know a single Taylor Swift song. I don't really care about her at all. But, she won an award and Kanye West was the very definition of a douchebag (Larry's Russian co-worker asked him, "What is this word, douche?" so we've been throwing around this term quite often). Anyway, then I started crying IN SESSION about this. About Kanye West's interruption of Taylor Swift! Then I decided to relate it to my cat and how I feel terrible that she was shoved out of the spotlight by the new kittens. I slept great last night, so this random association is not the result of sleep deprivation. I am not on any mind-altering drugs either. "Maybe this is related to you feeling like your sister got more of the stage than you" -- my therapist said that, not me. Is she saying my sister is Kanye West-like?
Scapegoat As I was talking about how Larry has been so supportive with my cat sadness, I continued to say how supportive he is in general. His attitude has been great lately. He's very affectionate, very optimistic. He plans things for us to do. He makes sure I know I'm loved. I'm very, very lucky. When I think about how we got so stuck before, I can see the influence of my anorexic thinking. I blamed him a lot for our stagnation, but the fact is that I contributed. It was just easier to criticize him than to look at myself. Now, he's more than willing to go out to a meal, do a random activity, plan a trip, get excited about condo renovations. It's me that's hesitant, and it's usually related to fear of food involved, or fear of money involved.
$$$ Which brings me to this. I'm the same way with dollar bills as I am with calories. There are all these "shoulds" in my life, all these rules involved: I should not spend money on a new haircut until we save back the money "wasted" while separated; I should not eat pizza for dinner because I had a quesadilla for lunch and that's just way too much cheese. I spend so much time and energy trying to "figure out" how to perfect my finances and my eating. I hardly ever go with an instinct with a purchase or a meal. There is all this thinking about it -- planning, strategizing, calculating. I'm sick of it. I realize that if I continue to be this way, it will interfere with my happiness and, inevitably, with the happiness Larry and I have together. That's a huge motivator for me to let go.
Learning to drive My therapist is really big on metaphors. Today, she said that whether I hold the steering wheel tight or a little looser, I'm still going to get to my destination. I treat life like it's so precarious. I search for safety in predictability -- a controlled meal plan, a designated balance in my savings account. I'm always holding on. I notice this when I realize I haven't taken a deep breath in a long time (and lately, I notice that I have a really hard time taking a deep breath when I eat). Loosening up on the steering wheel seems to be a matter of having faith in myself and the mechanisms of the universe. I don't have much faith right now. My therapist's suggestion? Experiment. Challenge the rules of the road to realize I'm not going to veer off and go flying into a canyon. Yikes.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. My dad called me today for no reason but to say "hi."
2. I've finally started reading "Stumbling on Happiness." Great so far.
3. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Season 4 is out on DVD.
4. "The Office" is back tomorrow (right?).
5. I'm thinking Indian food tonight. Mmm...
Dad
I went into the session saying that I'd taken her advice and talked to my dad. I'd been feeling weird since my sister's wedding, seeing him toast her and express feelings toward her that I just didn't think he had for me. Of course, when I called him, we both started crying in that father-daughter way that makes me cry just thinking about it. In a perfect world, I would classify this as a lesson in "Speaking Up and Getting Needs Met" and refer to it many times in the future. In reality, I will forget about this lesson and need to re-learn it over and over again. In any case, I feel really good about things with my family lately (though I'm wondering if my sister is ignoring my recent emails on purpose... I see another "Speak Up and Get Needs Met" lesson in my future).
Escaped cat
After discussing the dad accomplishment, I confessed that I've been feeling a bit "off" lately. I told her that I go to sleep feeling kind of melancholy and wake up feeling melancholy-er. I said there was nothing significant I could think of to cause this recent bout of melancholy-ness. That's when she asked me if there was something "insignificant." Smart lady. Much to my surprise, I started bawling as I said that my cat disappeared. Yes, the cat I got right after treatment (8 years ago, almost to the day), is missing. She's an outdoor cat and likes to jump the fence and go wandering, but she's always come back. I've put up signs. I've been to the local shelter. Nothing. I can't help but feel guilty. Maybe the new kittens pissed her off (though she disappeared before they even arrived, so I don't know). I'm just...sad. I keep thinking, "It's just a cat, Kim. Get over it." But, I'm really upset about it. It sucks. It's been almost 2 weeks and I'm sad every time I go out to feed my other cat (morning and night). I'm nowhere near "over it."
Kanye West
This is the point when my therapy session got really weird. I told my therapist that I'd been so emotional since my cat disappeared, emotional to the point that I cried when I saw Kanye West steal the spotlight from Taylor Swift at the VMAs. I don't know a single Taylor Swift song. I don't really care about her at all. But, she won an award and Kanye West was the very definition of a douchebag (Larry's Russian co-worker asked him, "What is this word, douche?" so we've been throwing around this term quite often). Anyway, then I started crying IN SESSION about this. About Kanye West's interruption of Taylor Swift! Then I decided to relate it to my cat and how I feel terrible that she was shoved out of the spotlight by the new kittens. I slept great last night, so this random association is not the result of sleep deprivation. I am not on any mind-altering drugs either. "Maybe this is related to you feeling like your sister got more of the stage than you" -- my therapist said that, not me. Is she saying my sister is Kanye West-like?
Scapegoat
As I was talking about how Larry has been so supportive with my cat sadness, I continued to say how supportive he is in general. His attitude has been great lately. He's very affectionate, very optimistic. He plans things for us to do. He makes sure I know I'm loved. I'm very, very lucky. When I think about how we got so stuck before, I can see the influence of my anorexic thinking. I blamed him a lot for our stagnation, but the fact is that I contributed. It was just easier to criticize him than to look at myself. Now, he's more than willing to go out to a meal, do a random activity, plan a trip, get excited about condo renovations. It's me that's hesitant, and it's usually related to fear of food involved, or fear of money involved.
$$$
Which brings me to this. I'm the same way with dollar bills as I am with calories. There are all these "shoulds" in my life, all these rules involved: I should not spend money on a new haircut until we save back the money "wasted" while separated; I should not eat pizza for dinner because I had a quesadilla for lunch and that's just way too much cheese. I spend so much time and energy trying to "figure out" how to perfect my finances and my eating. I hardly ever go with an instinct with a purchase or a meal. There is all this thinking about it -- planning, strategizing, calculating. I'm sick of it. I realize that if I continue to be this way, it will interfere with my happiness and, inevitably, with the happiness Larry and I have together. That's a huge motivator for me to let go.
Learning to drive
My therapist is really big on metaphors. Today, she said that whether I hold the steering wheel tight or a little looser, I'm still going to get to my destination. I treat life like it's so precarious. I search for safety in predictability -- a controlled meal plan, a designated balance in my savings account. I'm always holding on. I notice this when I realize I haven't taken a deep breath in a long time (and lately, I notice that I have a really hard time taking a deep breath when I eat). Loosening up on the steering wheel seems to be a matter of having faith in myself and the mechanisms of the universe. I don't have much faith right now. My therapist's suggestion? Experiment. Challenge the rules of the road to realize I'm not going to veer off and go flying into a canyon. Yikes.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. My dad called me today for no reason but to say "hi."
2. I've finally started reading "Stumbling on Happiness." Great so far.
3. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Season 4 is out on DVD.
4. "The Office" is back tomorrow (right?).
5. I'm thinking Indian food tonight. Mmm...