I first learned about hypermetabolism in my second treatment stint (first residential stay). Up until then, I didn't know that when you start eating again after a long period of starvation, your metabolism typically goes a little bonkers. This is some pretty useful information.
What I also didn't know was that your metabolism stays elevated long after weight restoration, making this time period even more fraught with difficulties and possibly contributing to the high levels of relapse. I think this is useful, necessary stuff that so many treatment providers don't mention because an eating disorder isn't about the food, or so they say. Except it does become about the food if you can't maintain your weight, or you start bingeing and purging, so I think it should be out there, in the open.
Which brings me to my point: my metabolism has once again skyrocketed. And I fundamentally don't like it.
Some of the discomfort is related to the eating disorder: feelings of guilt and shame at having to eat so much more than others, wondering whether I'm going to gain weight from this, thinking that it would be an awfully convenient way to drop a few pounds. Some of the discomfort isn't: I'm tired of the near-constant cooking and meal prep, of the obnoxious grocery bills, of constantly having to be thinking of food and eating.
How I have to approach food and eating right now is pretty much the polar opposite of how people in the US are "supposed" to think about food. Low fat is not a smart option for me, and when you need over 3000 calories to maintain your weight, "healthy" isn't so healthy anymore. I don't get to "eat whatever I want" because of my freaky metabolism- if I ate what I wanted, I can guarantee you it wouldn't be this much. Instead, I have to be careful and mindful and responsible and eat what my body needs.
I'm simply frustrated and exhausted. I second guess all of my food choices, all the time. Have I had enough protein? Too much fat? Too many calories? Am I eating too much in the morning, too much at night? Would a bigger breakfast help? Should I include more fruits and veggies? And when I go to buy food- what about the costs? Can I find item X cheaper? Should I spend money on supplements like Carnation Instant Breakfast? What about premium ice cream like Ben and Jerry's? What about everything I was told about how wasteful it was to buy Ben and Jerry's because it was so expensive? Should I ignore that?
I kind of want to bury my head in the sand for a while, and just let this pass.
Reading back over what I've written, it seems like a long "oh poor me!' whine. I don't know- maybe it is. I only wish eating were simpler, less fraught with the moral perils I've internalized. And I keep getting discouraged that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.
What I also didn't know was that your metabolism stays elevated long after weight restoration, making this time period even more fraught with difficulties and possibly contributing to the high levels of relapse. I think this is useful, necessary stuff that so many treatment providers don't mention because an eating disorder isn't about the food, or so they say. Except it does become about the food if you can't maintain your weight, or you start bingeing and purging, so I think it should be out there, in the open.
Which brings me to my point: my metabolism has once again skyrocketed. And I fundamentally don't like it.
Some of the discomfort is related to the eating disorder: feelings of guilt and shame at having to eat so much more than others, wondering whether I'm going to gain weight from this, thinking that it would be an awfully convenient way to drop a few pounds. Some of the discomfort isn't: I'm tired of the near-constant cooking and meal prep, of the obnoxious grocery bills, of constantly having to be thinking of food and eating.
How I have to approach food and eating right now is pretty much the polar opposite of how people in the US are "supposed" to think about food. Low fat is not a smart option for me, and when you need over 3000 calories to maintain your weight, "healthy" isn't so healthy anymore. I don't get to "eat whatever I want" because of my freaky metabolism- if I ate what I wanted, I can guarantee you it wouldn't be this much. Instead, I have to be careful and mindful and responsible and eat what my body needs.
I'm simply frustrated and exhausted. I second guess all of my food choices, all the time. Have I had enough protein? Too much fat? Too many calories? Am I eating too much in the morning, too much at night? Would a bigger breakfast help? Should I include more fruits and veggies? And when I go to buy food- what about the costs? Can I find item X cheaper? Should I spend money on supplements like Carnation Instant Breakfast? What about premium ice cream like Ben and Jerry's? What about everything I was told about how wasteful it was to buy Ben and Jerry's because it was so expensive? Should I ignore that?
I kind of want to bury my head in the sand for a while, and just let this pass.
Reading back over what I've written, it seems like a long "oh poor me!' whine. I don't know- maybe it is. I only wish eating were simpler, less fraught with the moral perils I've internalized. And I keep getting discouraged that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.