Time distorts memories; things I thought I remembered are turning out to be different and I'm being told things I can't remember at all. How much did the eating disorder change my perspective?
Jane and I were looking through old photos from scouts the other day, pictures of us at 14 and 16, despite my bad taste in fashion (but then we were all experimenting!) I look happy and certainly at a healthy weight yet I believed I was huge, ugly. I know ED's make you think that but all I can remember is at 14 (the picture is of Jane and I in our handmade shelter on a scout camp + I look like a little kid!) I was concerned about the food we had to eat; both of us got into trouble as I recall for not eating enough but then we did have to skin our own rabbits! I remember enjoying the camp and putting up the tent on an earwigs nest! We never did get a badge for it though!
In the picture when I'm 16 (I'm with my boyfriend from back then, sitting in a tent) My skin is practically clear, tanned, enjoying myself yet I was well into bulimia, missing meals with the others and buying bars of chocolate to purge. They joked about how they thought I wasn't eating until they looked in the trash.
I'm thinking back a lot, finding little things I did or said or felt and it physically stops me to realise it was because of the ED. I always said I would never let it control my life but I was just hiding it even more. I used to define myself by it now I won't.
Jane and I were looking through old photos from scouts the other day, pictures of us at 14 and 16, despite my bad taste in fashion (but then we were all experimenting!) I look happy and certainly at a healthy weight yet I believed I was huge, ugly. I know ED's make you think that but all I can remember is at 14 (the picture is of Jane and I in our handmade shelter on a scout camp + I look like a little kid!) I was concerned about the food we had to eat; both of us got into trouble as I recall for not eating enough but then we did have to skin our own rabbits! I remember enjoying the camp and putting up the tent on an earwigs nest! We never did get a badge for it though!
In the picture when I'm 16 (I'm with my boyfriend from back then, sitting in a tent) My skin is practically clear, tanned, enjoying myself yet I was well into bulimia, missing meals with the others and buying bars of chocolate to purge. They joked about how they thought I wasn't eating until they looked in the trash.
I'm thinking back a lot, finding little things I did or said or felt and it physically stops me to realise it was because of the ED. I always said I would never let it control my life but I was just hiding it even more. I used to define myself by it now I won't.