Self-esteem and self-promotion

I have a combination of traits that makes it hard for me to put myself out there. I'm a bit shy. I don't like being rejected. I'm always afraid that I'm imposing on people. I'm sort of insecure. And I feel like it's best to be overly humble and modest. When I see other writers' promotion efforts, I feel a little embarrassed. How do they have the confidence to pedal their work the way they do? Instead of knocking on doors, I usually tap lightly a few times. Often, nobody answers (probably because they don't freaking hear me) and I reinforce my mentality that I'll never get published. When someone does answer, I usually end up apologizing profusely for the interruption, then moving on my way.

Maybe this is an issue of laziness, though the reason I think I'm lazy is that I know how much I hate to make an effort only to be disappointed (which is, basically, the definition of "being a writer"). I used to be a go-getter about my writing. My grad school writing program implied that I would be successful just because I'm talented. What the real world has told me is that hard work and persistence are far, far more important in this industry than talent. When I was still naive and enthusiastic, I got my first agent. I had a few books written and I thought it would be easy to get them on the shelves at a book store. Not so. I took a year off from life to edit a book to my agent's liking. Then, she decided, seemingly out of the blue, that it wouldn't be marketable because the main character was only 17 and the subject matter was very adult. Um, ok?

That was about 6 years ago. Since then, I've been jaded. It's work for me to write. I can't say I really enjoy it like I used to. Being aware of the business side of things kills some of the pleasure. I told my therapist that I think I really just need one big success to mend my relationship with writing. The question is: Can I get over my own fears (of disappointment, etc) to find that success? I have all sorts of ideas for books and essays and articles and short stories, but I don't follow through lately. I feel "on hold" until I have some closure (good or bad) with the book my new agent is trying to sell. I find myself thinking, "Well, what's the point?"

I'm probably my own worst enemy -- a familiar concept -- in that I sabotage some opportunities because I don't want to deal with rejection. It's funny that writers are some of the most sensitive people in an industry that is notoriously insensitive. It is some comfort that writers joke about being able to wallpaper their homes with rejection letters. I know I'm not alone when I whine about writer's block and frustration and discouragement. I also know, deep down, that I will have success. I just don't put that idea out into the universe enough.

Yesterday, I read at the West Hollywood Book Fair. I get VERY nervous reading in public, but Larry said I did well. As much as I hate how hard my heart pounds and how sweaty my palms get, it's important for me to get out there. An old therapist had a phrase for this (which she related to following my meal plan): Just do well, in spite of yourself.

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Today's gratitude:

1. My favorite radio people (Frosty, Heidi and Frank) are back on the air! 790am (9am-12pm), KABC.com.

2. I turned in a freelance project today.

3. I'm getting used to hair being in my face. For those of you who asked, this is what they look like:

4. I feel pretty mellow.

5. Kitties!