Writing this blog becomes harder each week, I never pre-plan a post unless it is for an organisation; I'm becoming more and more aware of the words people I know around me will read. I link this blog to facebook where a few of my work collegues can read the first few lines even if they never click on the link to read the full post.
What people think of me matters a great deal, probably too much an how I make other people feel matters even more. I just re-watched the HBO documentary Thin, it's been on my computer for weeks now but this evening I felt I needed to watch it. I needed to know if in three days when I sit in the GP's office and say something along the lines of 'I've been bingeing and purging regularly......' (I'm still trying to work out excatly what to say)that I'm doing it because I want to change. And I honestly believe that I do.
When I first watched Thin well over a year ago, I almost envied the women in the Renfrew centre, they looked as thin as I wished I could be but now I see them as sick, anorexic, bulimic and asking for help.
It's terrifying knowing I will have to give up ALL the behaviours I've learnt to hide and keep the eating disorder but my heart is tired of it, my body has had enough, thankfully I feel pretty healthy at the moment, it has become too exhausting to keep up. It's going to be a long road but I'm walking each step and becoming more open and honest along the way.
What people think of me matters a great deal, probably too much an how I make other people feel matters even more. I just re-watched the HBO documentary Thin, it's been on my computer for weeks now but this evening I felt I needed to watch it. I needed to know if in three days when I sit in the GP's office and say something along the lines of 'I've been bingeing and purging regularly......' (I'm still trying to work out excatly what to say)that I'm doing it because I want to change. And I honestly believe that I do.
When I first watched Thin well over a year ago, I almost envied the women in the Renfrew centre, they looked as thin as I wished I could be but now I see them as sick, anorexic, bulimic and asking for help.
It's terrifying knowing I will have to give up ALL the behaviours I've learnt to hide and keep the eating disorder but my heart is tired of it, my body has had enough, thankfully I feel pretty healthy at the moment, it has become too exhausting to keep up. It's going to be a long road but I'm walking each step and becoming more open and honest along the way.