When my son was going though his issues, I had fears for him. I had fears for his safety, for the safety of others, but the problem that hit the hardest was his future.
How he presented at home was different how he generally appeared to others.
This made life difficult. He knew how to put on the breaks when it came to different agencies.
This can make it very hard for a parent of child going through difficulties very frustrating, and scary at times.
Like a toddler who seems sick as a dog, you take the child to a Doctor and they experience a honey moon period where they appear fine and bounce back at the change of environment and new toys, or stimulus around them. This is well known to most parents. One can be left feeling foolish, or a fraud, when the once at deaths door appearing kid bounces back. This cannot be maintained however, and after an amount of time the resilience breaks and the kid goes back looking sick.
So a teen who learns the ropes on how to 'work the system' the parent can be left wondering what planet they are on.
I know how I felt going through it with my son.
Many tears were shed. Anxiety levels were high continually for many years.
It was different when it came to other teens who stayed at my home who had issues. They were easier to deal with, without the emotional bond of watching your own kid seemingly go down the tubes.
I learned to let go, I was given permission to let go by others. Which helped alot.
He is his own person now, and whatever he gets up to, he is responsible for his own actions. I know I put my heart and soul into getting him help, because I loved him, I knew what he was really like, and I worried about his future.
The things I have learned in life are these.
When someone acts up as a young person, it is far harder to stay on the straight and narrow, and move on.
Society is not all that accepting of change, and you can spend a life time trying to genuinely amend any wrongs, to come up against a brick wall.
I do understand why some people just give up. But I believe in change for the better, the rewards are greater in the long run. Its a hard journey, a true gauntlet and once you have made a choice to get there, to lead a relatively average life you have succeeded in beating the odds.
The greatest hurdle is other peoples perceptions of you, it is easier and a cop out for some people to judge someone else on their past and stay fixed on their own ideal of you.
Sometimes people need to be given the chance to change.
By excluding my son from the home when I did it meant my other two kids had a chance to heal, and do well, as they are. I am calmer and more focused, and my son is now in a job and facing self responsibility. The love hasn't gone, the continual daily stress has.
A woman in an abusive situation may be told to be strong, to get out, to get help. Which is right.
She may do all of that, yet sometimes she may face another brick wall. That also is judgement from others, as noted in my past few posts below. Judges even have been known to roll their eyes, and label a woman who has been in and out of an abusive relationship, instead of focusing on the perpetrator, the victims past relationships are focused on, which puts the blame back on her, rather than the real issue that she is targeted by men who may see her vulnerabilities.
With each abusive partner her self esteem, and confidence lowers further, trapping her effectively in a horrible situation. When a supposedly nice guy comes along, and gains her complete trust she may see him as 'the one' and the pattern continues. Instead of a nurturing loving environment, she may sink further down when she realises it has happened again. She may be too embarrassed to get help again. She has seen the look in the authorities eyes, she has heard the whispers of blame. She gives up.
If our government is going to highlight the Domestic Violence issue, then they should be strongly educating the services and departments who handle the victims of abuse. They need to make it acceptable for women to get out and stay out. Who wants to step away from one abusive environment into another? Its contradictory.
I believe that if a person has moved on from abuse, or from a rocky start in life they should be given a break.
I wont repeat on here the things my son has said, yet they terrified me. Whether or not it was for a reaction, or a true depiction of the future I do not know.
But what I want for him is to not have to spend the rest of his life living in a society where he has to fight tooth and nail just to live a peaceful average life, without having to constantly prove he is a good person because of his failings in the past.
Like I have said the past is in the past, unless actions and events keep the past alive.
When people don't want to hear about a past event because it reflects on them, they say "oh its in the past get over it". Especially if it is a person confronting an abuser.
When the same person wants to bring that person down, because of their own insecurities they say "oh you did this in the past" to shut the person up..
I personally don't judge others based on gossip, I meet the person and gather my own impression, no two minds think alike, we are all different.
I personally know of a case where the person involved parent spent many years minimising, blaming and starting nasty rumours about their child. Because the parent didn't want to care for their sick child. This successfully alienated the child, as no one believed them, by poisoning the minds of others.
This has been proven as the child suffered a real illness that has been proven, the parent acted as expected and still kept their back turned in denial, they just don't want to have to care. If they did care it would then make the said parent look bad for neglecting that child's needs for a life time.
I know myself I listen to my kids, and follow up on their issues. I care for my kids and love them, embracing them and nurturing them. I have bought them all up the same way. Only one so far has needed more input than the others, this doesn't take away the fact he is my son.
So these are my impressions of contradictions in society. Where one thing is said, but the reality of success in these situations can be negligible. Its up to society to be more accepting towards change in people.
It was once said to me "If a car is broken into and the stereo is taken is the owner a victim?", answer....yes they are they are a victim of crime.
"If there car is broken into again are they still a victim of a crime, for leaving their car on a different street?" Or is it their fault for taking a risk, does that mean they aren't a victim of a crime, for trusting their car will be o.k this time?"
What do you think?
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How he presented at home was different how he generally appeared to others.
This made life difficult. He knew how to put on the breaks when it came to different agencies.
This can make it very hard for a parent of child going through difficulties very frustrating, and scary at times.
Like a toddler who seems sick as a dog, you take the child to a Doctor and they experience a honey moon period where they appear fine and bounce back at the change of environment and new toys, or stimulus around them. This is well known to most parents. One can be left feeling foolish, or a fraud, when the once at deaths door appearing kid bounces back. This cannot be maintained however, and after an amount of time the resilience breaks and the kid goes back looking sick.
So a teen who learns the ropes on how to 'work the system' the parent can be left wondering what planet they are on.
I know how I felt going through it with my son.
Many tears were shed. Anxiety levels were high continually for many years.
It was different when it came to other teens who stayed at my home who had issues. They were easier to deal with, without the emotional bond of watching your own kid seemingly go down the tubes.
I learned to let go, I was given permission to let go by others. Which helped alot.
He is his own person now, and whatever he gets up to, he is responsible for his own actions. I know I put my heart and soul into getting him help, because I loved him, I knew what he was really like, and I worried about his future.
The things I have learned in life are these.
When someone acts up as a young person, it is far harder to stay on the straight and narrow, and move on.
Society is not all that accepting of change, and you can spend a life time trying to genuinely amend any wrongs, to come up against a brick wall.
I do understand why some people just give up. But I believe in change for the better, the rewards are greater in the long run. Its a hard journey, a true gauntlet and once you have made a choice to get there, to lead a relatively average life you have succeeded in beating the odds.
The greatest hurdle is other peoples perceptions of you, it is easier and a cop out for some people to judge someone else on their past and stay fixed on their own ideal of you.
Sometimes people need to be given the chance to change.
By excluding my son from the home when I did it meant my other two kids had a chance to heal, and do well, as they are. I am calmer and more focused, and my son is now in a job and facing self responsibility. The love hasn't gone, the continual daily stress has.
A woman in an abusive situation may be told to be strong, to get out, to get help. Which is right.
She may do all of that, yet sometimes she may face another brick wall. That also is judgement from others, as noted in my past few posts below. Judges even have been known to roll their eyes, and label a woman who has been in and out of an abusive relationship, instead of focusing on the perpetrator, the victims past relationships are focused on, which puts the blame back on her, rather than the real issue that she is targeted by men who may see her vulnerabilities.
With each abusive partner her self esteem, and confidence lowers further, trapping her effectively in a horrible situation. When a supposedly nice guy comes along, and gains her complete trust she may see him as 'the one' and the pattern continues. Instead of a nurturing loving environment, she may sink further down when she realises it has happened again. She may be too embarrassed to get help again. She has seen the look in the authorities eyes, she has heard the whispers of blame. She gives up.
If our government is going to highlight the Domestic Violence issue, then they should be strongly educating the services and departments who handle the victims of abuse. They need to make it acceptable for women to get out and stay out. Who wants to step away from one abusive environment into another? Its contradictory.
I believe that if a person has moved on from abuse, or from a rocky start in life they should be given a break.
I wont repeat on here the things my son has said, yet they terrified me. Whether or not it was for a reaction, or a true depiction of the future I do not know.
But what I want for him is to not have to spend the rest of his life living in a society where he has to fight tooth and nail just to live a peaceful average life, without having to constantly prove he is a good person because of his failings in the past.
Like I have said the past is in the past, unless actions and events keep the past alive.
When people don't want to hear about a past event because it reflects on them, they say "oh its in the past get over it". Especially if it is a person confronting an abuser.
When the same person wants to bring that person down, because of their own insecurities they say "oh you did this in the past" to shut the person up..
I personally don't judge others based on gossip, I meet the person and gather my own impression, no two minds think alike, we are all different.
I personally know of a case where the person involved parent spent many years minimising, blaming and starting nasty rumours about their child. Because the parent didn't want to care for their sick child. This successfully alienated the child, as no one believed them, by poisoning the minds of others.
This has been proven as the child suffered a real illness that has been proven, the parent acted as expected and still kept their back turned in denial, they just don't want to have to care. If they did care it would then make the said parent look bad for neglecting that child's needs for a life time.
I know myself I listen to my kids, and follow up on their issues. I care for my kids and love them, embracing them and nurturing them. I have bought them all up the same way. Only one so far has needed more input than the others, this doesn't take away the fact he is my son.
So these are my impressions of contradictions in society. Where one thing is said, but the reality of success in these situations can be negligible. Its up to society to be more accepting towards change in people.
It was once said to me "If a car is broken into and the stereo is taken is the owner a victim?", answer....yes they are they are a victim of crime.
"If there car is broken into again are they still a victim of a crime, for leaving their car on a different street?" Or is it their fault for taking a risk, does that mean they aren't a victim of a crime, for trusting their car will be o.k this time?"
What do you think?