St. Mary of Perpetual Agony

The ex and I used this nickname for a friend who ALWAYS seemed to be sad or negative. Now... I'm finding that the term applies to me.

*sigh*

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I went to therapy again this morning. I felt fine when I walked in.... but there is something about a stranger sitting in silence looking at you. Then next thing I know, I'm in hysterical tears.

I'm trying to figure out why I keep choosing unavailable men.

Funny, I've done this before.

Then we went over what I do when I'm with these unavailable men:

Try to please...

Convince them (who don't know how to love and are unwilling to receive love) to love me...

Funny, haven't I explored that before too?

But how do I stop doing this?

The therapist had one simple answer:

"Love yourself enough that you don't need everyone to love you."



Now... yeah. That was new.

I feel that I'm a very self-confident, self-loving, self-worthy woman. But for some reason, I choose men that I have to prove that confidence, love and worth to.

Why?

Dad.

Duh.

Ok, I'm aware of it. The guys that are worthy... I keep relegating to the "friend" category. Hence the reason I have so many wonderful loving men friends in my life.

The ones who aren't worthy... those are the ones I keep trying to convince.

You just think you don't love me but you will. Oh yes, I will do everything in my power to make sure you do!

It's sick, really, but I guess many of us do those things, right? I'm certainly not alone in this.

I have to accept myself for the "best" that I can give in any moment...

Not be so hard on myself to be perfect, positive, exactly what someone else needs...

Stop trying to prove something or doing emotional yoga so that someone else doesn't feel burdened with me....

And learn to accept the love that is given to me and whatever love I can offer in return...

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I guess it seems like perpetual agony because I realized that I've been in mourning over and over again during my relationship with Soldier.

It started when my loving him became too much for him to bear, back in October 2007. Even then I knew that I was using our relationship as an escape in my life. I recognized it was not healthy. But I mourned and tried to stay positive.

Then, I mourned again when he left for Iraq. I wasn't holding it together very well but I mourned and tried to stay positive.

Then I mourned the fucking deployment. But I tried to stay positive.

Then I mourned his leave when he came home and broke my heart into a million little pieces. I went through all of the same stuff I'm going through now. Mourned... and tried to stay positive.

Then I freakin'mourned the hope he stirred up when he promised to be that guy again...

Now, I'm mourning the loss of our relationship/friendship/whatever-the-hell-it-was...


Enough already!


I've already mourned the loss of my marriage and my father and now all of that stuff. I think I've certainly cried enough tears for a lifetime or two.

It is time for some happiness in my life. And it shouldn't be perpetual agony with a smile thrown in here and there for good measure. No... it's time for:

St. T of Perpetual JOY!!

I'm workin' on it, ya'll.