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Hi Eva, as a recovering codependent myself it sounds as if you know the answers to your questions you just need to ask the right questions-- when you think about Aaron do you feel as if you need him, it is an overwhelming desire that you feel if you are with him then 'everything will be ok'-- theres nothing at all wrong with wanting to be with someone and share life with them but I think you will know if you ask yourself whether this is about just desire or fulfulling a need?
Perhaps it would be better for you to have a look at yourself and consider working with a counseller as you said you believe you are worthless. If the temptation to not listen to yourself and carry on into codependency continues... remember, codependency hurts other people as well, you might be willing to lie to yourself but consider possible effects on others? (true only if u do find yourself to be co-dep ofcourse)
I wish you all the best :)
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Posted by Eva M.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote Aaron an email message that declared my love for him, saying how much I want to be his partner, his lover, and his friend. I thought that I had expressed myself well, and I was quite pleased with myself.
Last week, it occurred to me that I have always believed that I am worthless unless I can do something for someone. I don't know why anyone would want me around unless I can do something useful. That pretty much defines a codependent personality.
That not a good thing.
How do you define the "forever after kind of love"? What makes for a good life partnership? The romantic ideal is to pair off with someone that you can depend on through thick and thin. How do you keep the relationship within the realm of healthy interdependence as opposed to dysfunctional codependence? I want to be with someone that I know will be there when I need him. But I don't want him to feel totally responsible for my well being. I can stand on my own two feet. At least, I like to think that I can. I mean, I'm 42 years old and never been married. That means that I am independent, right? The fact that no one has ever actually proposed marriage to me doesn't necessarily mean anything, right?
So, what did I really mean in that message to Aaron? Am I simply being insecure, or am I trying to rope him into a dysfunctional relationship? Do I want to be his equal partner in life, or do I want to make him completely dependent on me? Or worse yet, make him feel like I am totally dependent on him? Do I want to share his life, or smother it? Do I even know the difference?