Emotional Ages in Relationships

As I have probably mentioned before in other posts, expectations are a big part of relationships. Whether we are aware of it or not we expect our significant other to act their age.

Thing is, a person can have a different mental age than emotional age. Some people in their 20’s are mentally in their 20’s, but emotionally seem stuck in the teen years. Some couples are emotionally matched well, at similar emotional ages, but mentally might differ quite a bit. Situations where a couple is unbalanced mentally or emotionally are challenging.

Emotional age imbalances in couples seem to be more frustrating. In my therapy office I have found that if two people are at different mental ages, they can usually develop a middle ground for communication and understanding each other. If they are emotionally unbalanced though, we’re usually in for a longer challenge.

Individuals often get “stuck” at certain emotional ages due to trauma, abuse, or poor relationships. In these cases, the person needs to learn how to identify their emotions and be able to express them. My metaphor for this is learning to ride a bicycle. As a person is learning how to feel and express emotion he/she has trouble staying balanced, as in getting a feel for riding a bike. Once that balance is learned, a person doesn’t forget it. With emotions, once a person learns how to express what they feel and why, they generally won’t forget how. It will be tough sometimes and mistakes will be made, but few roads in life are smooth.

Some ways to get more familiar with emotions, and being able to express them, are:

• drawing or sketching pictures
• journaling
• writing a blog
• sculpting
• woodworking
• martial arts
• talking to an emotionally person you can trust
• crying
• yelling (into a pillow if you don’t want to be loud)
• awareness of body sensations (example: When I’m angry, my face feels hot and I clench my teeth.)
• meditation

Can an emotionally immature person catch up in a relationship? Yes, and it will take some effort and time. Also, the more emotionally mature person in the relationship ideally should not be the primary one to help the other increase his/her emotional age. It may sound strange, but often that situation adds the element of a teacher role, or in some cases a parental role. That can maintain the unbalanced dynamic between two people.