I really don't know why I blog. Blogging or journalling means that you have a record of a period of time in the past. On the one hand, I feel compelled to record everything that happens (the more significant events anyway), hoping that one day I will learn from my mistakes, hoping that one day I will discover a kernal of wisdom that will reveal to me the secret of life. And sometimes I want to know - I want to know how I was feeling back then when such and such happened. Or maybe in a way, perhaps I am trying to make sense of my life by writing.
But on the other hand, the recordings are sometimes too painful to go back to - it's too painful to go back to a time that no longer exists, to a time when the reality might as well have been a fantasy, when things are nothing more than projections of my own mind. Why would I want to record things that I would rather not revisit? Why would I want to remember things that are painful? But most of all, why would I want to remember the losses, of things I no longer have?
These days I don't like to spend too much time thinking about the past. What's gone is gone, what's done is done. Of course I feel hurt and regret and I believe there is a part of me that will always grieve for the losses, of things I never had, of the injustice of certain events. But I understand better now, how there is no point in dwelling in the past. It's so cliche, but if I don't let go of the past, I can never move forward. I don't like to say it, but it's true.
People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I've always wondered - what if what doesn't kill you yet cripples you for the rest of your life? Then you live the life of a cripple? The crippled person could forget all about the past, but now he has to live his life disabled. So as much as I am able to let go of the past that crippled me, I now have to live the life of an emotional cripple. I don't think anything can change that.
In the meantime, I think I will continue writing. It doesn't always make sense to want to produce memories in black and white when reality hurts so much, but crazy is as crazy does.
But on the other hand, the recordings are sometimes too painful to go back to - it's too painful to go back to a time that no longer exists, to a time when the reality might as well have been a fantasy, when things are nothing more than projections of my own mind. Why would I want to record things that I would rather not revisit? Why would I want to remember things that are painful? But most of all, why would I want to remember the losses, of things I no longer have?
These days I don't like to spend too much time thinking about the past. What's gone is gone, what's done is done. Of course I feel hurt and regret and I believe there is a part of me that will always grieve for the losses, of things I never had, of the injustice of certain events. But I understand better now, how there is no point in dwelling in the past. It's so cliche, but if I don't let go of the past, I can never move forward. I don't like to say it, but it's true.
People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I've always wondered - what if what doesn't kill you yet cripples you for the rest of your life? Then you live the life of a cripple? The crippled person could forget all about the past, but now he has to live his life disabled. So as much as I am able to let go of the past that crippled me, I now have to live the life of an emotional cripple. I don't think anything can change that.
In the meantime, I think I will continue writing. It doesn't always make sense to want to produce memories in black and white when reality hurts so much, but crazy is as crazy does.