If I had one word to describe my situation at work, I'd say "untenable".
I fleshed it out with V in today's session, but she seemed to be directing me towards using the interpersonal effectiveness DBT skill, more so than to agree with me that I need to quit my job. It's difficult to describe everything to her - all the complexities of relationships between groups and sections, the politics, etc., so maybe she's not really getting the full picture, but it could be my fault too. I'm a quitter by nature. I always look for the easy way out - that's why suicide is an issue that I struggle so much with. When I used to play those computer role playing games and found myself in an "untenable" situation, I always tried the command "jump from roof" to see if the game was programmed to facilitate that.
Today, instead of dealing with the (urgent) issues that I already had on my list from last week, I was busy dealing with new problems and spent over an hour hand holding the FNG (Fucking New Guy). I didn't want to be rude and shove him out my office, but towards the end I alternated between being silent and distracted. He obviously didn't get the message, so I lied and said I had to be somewhere else. It took another 15 minutes for him to leave. Sometimes I really resent the fact that people expect me to help them with their jobs when no one really helps me when I have problems. I figure things out. I spend hours working things out the hard way. I learn a great deal, but it's often with great effort. When I need help, no one helps me. Google and Wikipedia are the only ones who respond to me.
I'm sorry. I sound like a real bitch these days. I need to watch myself. This isn't the way I want to be. I find myself worrying a great deal about work lately and I'm just not coping. I always used to be able to leave work at work and when I come home I never really think about it. Now I find myself being kept awake with work worries and fretting about whether I can actually get some things done.
Yesterday was a holiday. I spent the long weekend watching a bunch of movies. One of the more notable ones was The Beach. I'd just finished reading the book (by Alex Garland) and because it had been a while since I saw the movie, I went out and rented it. The book was way better, as is mostly the case. But the movie wasn't too bad - unless you've read the book, then you'll probably be left feeling a slight bit disappointed. The movie simply didn't have the depth of the book. The movie reminded me a bit of Lord of the Flies - especially the part where Richard descends into madness and begins hallucinating when he is asked by Sal to keep watch on the intruders coming from the next island. And I was struck by the implication of savagery when the islanders decided to carry the injured Christo into the jungle and leave him to die out there by himself. Why is it that whenever a group of people are put on an island and expected to build their own society, that they always seem to descend into madness and savagery? Is that the default of humanity? It happened in Lord of the Flies. It happened in The Beach. You may be able to argue that those are fictional works, but does anyone watch Survivor?
Need I say more?
New society/humanity + new environment = madness and savagery.
I believe the word is untenable.
I fleshed it out with V in today's session, but she seemed to be directing me towards using the interpersonal effectiveness DBT skill, more so than to agree with me that I need to quit my job. It's difficult to describe everything to her - all the complexities of relationships between groups and sections, the politics, etc., so maybe she's not really getting the full picture, but it could be my fault too. I'm a quitter by nature. I always look for the easy way out - that's why suicide is an issue that I struggle so much with. When I used to play those computer role playing games and found myself in an "untenable" situation, I always tried the command "jump from roof" to see if the game was programmed to facilitate that.
Today, instead of dealing with the (urgent) issues that I already had on my list from last week, I was busy dealing with new problems and spent over an hour hand holding the FNG (Fucking New Guy). I didn't want to be rude and shove him out my office, but towards the end I alternated between being silent and distracted. He obviously didn't get the message, so I lied and said I had to be somewhere else. It took another 15 minutes for him to leave. Sometimes I really resent the fact that people expect me to help them with their jobs when no one really helps me when I have problems. I figure things out. I spend hours working things out the hard way. I learn a great deal, but it's often with great effort. When I need help, no one helps me. Google and Wikipedia are the only ones who respond to me.
I'm sorry. I sound like a real bitch these days. I need to watch myself. This isn't the way I want to be. I find myself worrying a great deal about work lately and I'm just not coping. I always used to be able to leave work at work and when I come home I never really think about it. Now I find myself being kept awake with work worries and fretting about whether I can actually get some things done.
Yesterday was a holiday. I spent the long weekend watching a bunch of movies. One of the more notable ones was The Beach. I'd just finished reading the book (by Alex Garland) and because it had been a while since I saw the movie, I went out and rented it. The book was way better, as is mostly the case. But the movie wasn't too bad - unless you've read the book, then you'll probably be left feeling a slight bit disappointed. The movie simply didn't have the depth of the book. The movie reminded me a bit of Lord of the Flies - especially the part where Richard descends into madness and begins hallucinating when he is asked by Sal to keep watch on the intruders coming from the next island. And I was struck by the implication of savagery when the islanders decided to carry the injured Christo into the jungle and leave him to die out there by himself. Why is it that whenever a group of people are put on an island and expected to build their own society, that they always seem to descend into madness and savagery? Is that the default of humanity? It happened in Lord of the Flies. It happened in The Beach. You may be able to argue that those are fictional works, but does anyone watch Survivor?
Need I say more?
New society/humanity + new environment = madness and savagery.
I believe the word is untenable.