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This post is how I am feeling right now. I am not sure who exactly reads this, but know that I am not trying to "call anyone out" or hurt anyone. If you know me, or have been reading this blog for a while, you know that I suffer from bouts of depression. I have to get this out there or I really feel like it will pile up on me and I will explode. Comments will be closed because once I get this all out there I don't know that I want to "defend" myself, if need be from those well intended.
I hate when the weather changes. I hate when my mind gets filled up with thoughts that aren't really what I am thinking. I hate that when I get this way I can't seem to get over things, things that are okay to upset, but they just fester. My mind not letting them go away. No matter how much I try and try to forget about it and move on that little voice inside my head picks and picks at it until the little thing becomes an aggravated, festering mess. I also hate that the sun is shining but with it being so cold and windy it won't warm me at all. For about a month I have been feeling "off". I made an appointment with my GP to discuss things with her. I came out of there feeling no better than when I walked in, possibly worse. She talks down to me and makes me feel like I am wasting her time being there. (I know, I know, get a new doctor-which is all fine and well but I don't even know who I would want to go see, she came so highly recommended) I told her I was feeling down, I told her I was sleeping all day long, I told her I was having some mobility problems, I told her I am losing my hair, and I told her how I haven't been eating much-nothing seems appetizing at all. She told me that Fibro has no cure. To which I do know, but we can adjust meds as necessary. I swear that every time I tell her about my Fibro she instructs me to eat another pill. So what started out as 1 pill, now is 3? They don't make me sleep like I am supposed to, what in the hell am I taking them for. She touched my face to look at my hair and realized that I have very coarse hair on my face that hasn't always been that way. I try to keep a good handle on it, because what lady wants the world to know that she has a solid career as the bearded lady in the circus if everything falls through. She sent me for tests and then we scheduled a phone consult to discuss options. Guess who never called. I had an appt, but instead I got a letter saying that I could make an appt for a phone consult if I wanted to. I was so pissed! I had sat by my phone the entire afternoon waiting for her to call. Did I call to complain...No, I just fell deeper into my hole. I love my life. I have a loving husband, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't have issues with depression and his family dealt with emotions another way-alcohol. So when I am wigging out an not myself he doesn't understand. When I sleep all day while he goes out to work his ass off for not enough pay, he doesn't get it. When he asks me to snap out of it and I can't.....He doesn't get it. Lately I have felt like I am on this ladder, climbing up to the roof helping out some people with large parcels. But instead of the people waiting until I get to the top they drop them on my head when I am only about halfway up and not looking. It hurts. I am not sure if it would hurt less if I wasn't on the "ladder" so I don't even know how to go about addressing it. I wish that I could just let people into my mind so that they can see what is going on, so they would know. But I can't. My mind is a scary enough place without others crowding in as well. How do I go about telling people how I feel if I can't even begin to understand it myself. I did call and make an appt with a doctor, but it isn't until next week. I must have been asked at least 4 times if I was suicidal or homicidal. What I was on before? Prozac. Did I want drugs or did I want to talk to someone. Now, I really hope that the drugs question was a test, because last time I was on Prozac was over 4 years ago (I think) and apparently this anti depressant I am taking for my Fibro is the wrong one. I don't want to be on Prozac again. I am in this cloud. Everything that I love about who I am gets fogged over. Sure my house is spotless and I am more relaxed, but that is about it. I drop weight when I am on it. The pounds just drop. I am all for losing 15 or so pounds, but to be fighting to keep weight on, well I am not ready for that. I become this hollow shell of a person and I can't be her again. I hate her more than I hate feeling this way. I also want to be honest with the docs this time. I don't want to be afraid of what might happen to me if I truly tell them exactly how I am feeling. I am going to try not to analyze every question that they ask me, I am going to try not to tell them what they want to hear. I hope that I get someone that can see through that. Someone that will call me on it. I don't need to be normal-I just need to be me again. I really like me-without all the crazy. |
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