It's a well-known fact that Tim has made it clear he has no interest in reading my blog. When asked why not, he responded, "I don't have time...and plus I don't really want to read about all the embarrassing things you write about me".
I said, "I do NOT write embarrassing things about you....okay, well maybe one or two things". He rolled his eyes.
To make things fair, I offered to let him do a guest post. He had no idea what to write about. I said, "Well, what would you want every woman to know about her husband...if you think most women complain about their husbands in their blog, why not do some complaining of your own?"
His eyes lit up...there was a sparkle there that I haven't seen in years....probably since our wedding day. He said, "Okay, let's do this..."
So this, my friends, is what Tim thinks every wife should know about her husband:
1) Since when is it required for me to have a response to everything you say? You're simply making a statement. If you say, "I'm so tired today", that really doesn't need a response, does it? But then you stare at me with eyes wide open as if I just committed the crime of the century, with your hands on your hips and saying, "Well? Are you gonna ignore what I just said?"
2) When I'm in the bathroom for those 20 glorious moments of peace and quiet, I'm not actually going to the bathroom. Surprise! I'm pretty much just sitting there finishing a crossword puzzle in your People Magazine, while I listen to you yell from downstairs, "Geez, how long does it take you to crap and has anyone seen my People magazine?"
3) Despite what you think, I cannot read your mind. When I offer to go to the store to pick up a few things and I ask you, "Is there anything else you would like me to pick up?" and you say, "No, not really", don't get pissed off at me when I arrive home with the exact things I set out to buy, while you scream, "I can't believe you didn't get me my favorite ice cream!" Did I NOT ask you if you wanted anything from the store? Case closed.
4) I'm a man and it comes naturally for me to want to solve problems. It is downright painful for me to stand there for 10 minutes listening to you rant and rave about how horrible something is, without giving you advice or telling you what you should do. If you don't want my advice or opinion, just say that up front.....
so I can be sure to tune you out while you complain.
5) On the other hand, don't ask for my opinion if you're just going to argue with me ABOUT my opinion. Does this sound familiar:
Helene: How do I look in this outfit?
Me: You look fine.
Helene: Fine? I look like a lard-ass.
Me: If you think you look like a lard-ass, then why did you bother to ask me?
Helene: Oh, so you DO think I look like a lard-ass?
Me: (silence)
5) Let's address the "invisible to-do list". When you ask, "Can you take out the garbage please?", we both know you expect more than that. You expect me to empty every single waste-basket in the entire house and then walk it all outside to the trash can. And then somewhere in there, I'm supposed to remember to run the dishwasher and feed the cat, make sure the kids brush their teeth before bed, figure out ways to reduce my carbon footprint and ensure that Siberian tigers never go extinct.
6) If you put as much effort into our sex life as you do into your blog, we would both be much happier. Or at least, I would be.
I said, "I do NOT write embarrassing things about you....okay, well maybe one or two things". He rolled his eyes.
To make things fair, I offered to let him do a guest post. He had no idea what to write about. I said, "Well, what would you want every woman to know about her husband...if you think most women complain about their husbands in their blog, why not do some complaining of your own?"
His eyes lit up...there was a sparkle there that I haven't seen in years....probably since our wedding day. He said, "Okay, let's do this..."
So this, my friends, is what Tim thinks every wife should know about her husband:
1) Since when is it required for me to have a response to everything you say? You're simply making a statement. If you say, "I'm so tired today", that really doesn't need a response, does it? But then you stare at me with eyes wide open as if I just committed the crime of the century, with your hands on your hips and saying, "Well? Are you gonna ignore what I just said?"
2) When I'm in the bathroom for those 20 glorious moments of peace and quiet, I'm not actually going to the bathroom. Surprise! I'm pretty much just sitting there finishing a crossword puzzle in your People Magazine, while I listen to you yell from downstairs, "Geez, how long does it take you to crap and has anyone seen my People magazine?"
3) Despite what you think, I cannot read your mind. When I offer to go to the store to pick up a few things and I ask you, "Is there anything else you would like me to pick up?" and you say, "No, not really", don't get pissed off at me when I arrive home with the exact things I set out to buy, while you scream, "I can't believe you didn't get me my favorite ice cream!" Did I NOT ask you if you wanted anything from the store? Case closed.
4) I'm a man and it comes naturally for me to want to solve problems. It is downright painful for me to stand there for 10 minutes listening to you rant and rave about how horrible something is, without giving you advice or telling you what you should do. If you don't want my advice or opinion, just say that up front..... so I can be sure to tune you out while you complain.
5) On the other hand, don't ask for my opinion if you're just going to argue with me ABOUT my opinion. Does this sound familiar:
Helene: How do I look in this outfit?
Me: You look fine.
Helene: Fine? I look like a lard-ass.
Me: If you think you look like a lard-ass, then why did you bother to ask me?
Helene: Oh, so you DO think I look like a lard-ass?
Me: (silence)
5) Let's address the "invisible to-do list". When you ask, "Can you take out the garbage please?", we both know you expect more than that. You expect me to empty every single waste-basket in the entire house and then walk it all outside to the trash can. And then somewhere in there, I'm supposed to remember to run the dishwasher and feed the cat, make sure the kids brush their teeth before bed, figure out ways to reduce my carbon footprint and ensure that Siberian tigers never go extinct.
6) If you put as much effort into our sex life as you do into your blog, we would both be much happier. Or at least, I would be.