Just got back from my 28 week appointment. I am now supposed to see the doctor every two weeks, so hopefully that will make time go by a little faster. My glucose test came back normal and I got my Rhogam shot. Blood pressure was good (112/60) and I lost three pounds this month, better than I thought, putting me at a total gain of 10 pounds.
The weight loss is due to my constant panic attacks, raised heart rate (avg. 120, as high as 150), and complete lack of appetite. The doctor is concerned, but not overly so at the moment. She believes that my anxiety can be controlled with a low dose of Lexapro before it has a chance negatively effect the pregnancy. Within 10 days of starting the medication, I should be remarkably better. This is where she began getting concerned. If I am not much better in two weeks when I see her again, she will raise my dosage. Although this will help both me and the baby now, she's concerned about the chances of the baby having to go through withdrawal once I deliver. This could mean problems feeding and crying more than usual. Therefore the low dose pretty much has to work.
I explain all of this to the husband and he asks - Do I think we should have another one being that it was this hard to stay pregnant and have this one? I reply that I have no idea. I know I want to wait a while before deciding, but perhaps in a couple years our lives will be more stable and happy and the stress and anxiety won't be a problem. Or I could always start out on the low dose and stay with it throughout a pregnancy, preventing stress and anxiety from getting this out of hand. It's one of those things best left undecided for now.
Honestly, do I want more kids? Yes. Do I want to go through a pregnancy feeling like this? No. It breaks my heart to think that I would never have another child. I need to be able to think that someday in the future, I would have the option. Even if we decided not to have more children, it's just not a decision I am prepared to make or be comfortable with right now.
That being said, the husbands reply was - After all this, I don't think I want anymore kids.
What do I say to that? Ok. Ok, like it was something I could even fathom right now. Ok, like I was agreeing. I wasn't agreeing. I just didn't know how to respond. The complete and utter insanity my mind is dealing with right now is what the hell was the comment suppose to mean? You don't want more kids because of what it's doing to me and the risk it poses for the baby? Or you don't want more kids because you blame me for things being difficult? Has my being pregnant encroached on your lifestyle and you don't want to have to go through it again? Perhaps you just don't want any more kids because you don't want the responsibility. Maybe you just don't want to have kids with me. Way to be vague. So instead of unleashing the throbbing mass of confusion in my head, I said ok. Here's hoping it doesn't bite me in the ass somewhere down the line.
I know what would make things better. I know what would make my pregnancy easier. I know what would make it possible so I wouldn't have to take any medication. Support. Emotional support. The feeling that you aren't going through this major life change completely on your own. I had no support when I was pregnant with the hellion. Her dad was way too busy having sex with anyone he could get to talk to him. I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I wasn't going to get anything I needed from him and accepting that made the pregnancy easier. I expected support this time around. I'm married to someone I love. We decided to try to have a family. He seemed supportive during the other short lived pregnancies. Now, no support. Almost a complete indifference to me, the pregnancy and the baby. He wants to hang out with his friends, watch sports and come home whenever he feels like it. Then when I'm upset because he's been gone for 6 hours doing god knows what with god knows who god knows where, I'm hormonal and way too much of a problem to deal with. He wonders why he has to put up with me at all. This is where my stress and anxiety is coming from. This is not caused by my history of anxiety. Any mentally stable woman in the world would be having stress and anxiety if her husband adopted this attitude. I'd love to live happily anxiety free without medication. But how do you do that when your husband doesn't seem to care that his actions are harming you and the baby? You can't force him to care about your well being. Do you suffer in silence so you don't "rock the boat" as they say? Apparently that's exactly what you do. At least what I have to do. I sit and wait and hope for the best. I won't leave my marriage because I do in fact love my husband. Maybe someday he'll understand what being a husband and father really means. I just hope he manages to find his way before any love left in our relationship is gone. And if not, at least I'll know that I did everything I could to make things work.
Just got back from my 28 week appointment. I am now supposed to see the doctor every two weeks, so hopefully that will make time go by a little faster. My glucose test came back normal and I got my Rhogam shot. Blood pressure was good (112/60) and I lost three pounds this month, better than I thought, putting me at a total gain of 10 pounds.
The weight loss is due to my constant panic attacks, raised heart rate (avg. 120, as high as 150), and complete lack of appetite. The doctor is concerned, but not overly so at the moment. She believes that my anxiety can be controlled with a low dose of Lexapro before it has a chance negatively effect the pregnancy. Within 10 days of starting the medication, I should be remarkably better. This is where she began getting concerned. If I am not much better in two weeks when I see her again, she will raise my dosage. Although this will help both me and the baby now, she's concerned about the chances of the baby having to go through withdrawal once I deliver. This could mean problems feeding and crying more than usual. Therefore the low dose pretty much has to work.
I explain all of this to the husband and he asks - Do I think we should have another one being that it was this hard to stay pregnant and have this one? I reply that I have no idea. I know I want to wait a while before deciding, but perhaps in a couple years our lives will be more stable and happy and the stress and anxiety won't be a problem. Or I could always start out on the low dose and stay with it throughout a pregnancy, preventing stress and anxiety from getting this out of hand. It's one of those things best left undecided for now.
Honestly, do I want more kids? Yes. Do I want to go through a pregnancy feeling like this? No. It breaks my heart to think that I would never have another child. I need to be able to think that someday in the future, I would have the option. Even if we decided not to have more children, it's just not a decision I am prepared to make or be comfortable with right now.
That being said, the husbands reply was - After all this, I don't think I want anymore kids.
What do I say to that? Ok. Ok, like it was something I could even fathom right now. Ok, like I was agreeing. I wasn't agreeing. I just didn't know how to respond. The complete and utter insanity my mind is dealing with right now is what the hell was the comment suppose to mean? You don't want more kids because of what it's doing to me and the risk it poses for the baby? Or you don't want more kids because you blame me for things being difficult? Has my being pregnant encroached on your lifestyle and you don't want to have to go through it again? Perhaps you just don't want any more kids because you don't want the responsibility. Maybe you just don't want to have kids with me. Way to be vague. So instead of unleashing the throbbing mass of confusion in my head, I said ok. Here's hoping it doesn't bite me in the ass somewhere down the line.
I know what would make things better. I know what would make my pregnancy easier. I know what would make it possible so I wouldn't have to take any medication. Support. Emotional support. The feeling that you aren't going through this major life change completely on your own. I had no support when I was pregnant with the hellion. Her dad was way too busy having sex with anyone he could get to talk to him. I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I wasn't going to get anything I needed from him and accepting that made the pregnancy easier. I expected support this time around. I'm married to someone I love. We decided to try to have a family. He seemed supportive during the other short lived pregnancies. Now, no support. Almost a complete indifference to me, the pregnancy and the baby. He wants to hang out with his friends, watch sports and come home whenever he feels like it. Then when I'm upset because he's been gone for 6 hours doing god knows what with god knows who god knows where, I'm hormonal and way too much of a problem to deal with. He wonders why he has to put up with me at all. This is where my stress and anxiety is coming from. This is not caused by my history of anxiety. Any mentally stable woman in the world would be having stress and anxiety if her husband adopted this attitude. I'd love to live happily anxiety free without medication. But how do you do that when your husband doesn't seem to care that his actions are harming you and the baby? You can't force him to care about your well being. Do you suffer in silence so you don't "rock the boat" as they say? Apparently that's exactly what you do. At least what I have to do. I sit and wait and hope for the best. I won't leave my marriage because I do in fact love my husband. Maybe someday he'll understand what being a husband and father really means. I just hope he manages to find his way before any love left in our relationship is gone. And if not, at least I'll know that I did everything I could to make things work.