I'm 36 weeks 1 day today. I go see the doctor tomorrow for my first weekly visit. My first pants-off weekly visit. I'm only supposed to be getting my group B strep test but I'm hoping I can talk her into checking out my cervix while I'm there. I figure, I've got my pants off anyway, so why not. I don't expect her to see anything except a 0% effaced completely closed up tight cervix, but occasionally I like to believe that dealing with these braxton hicks contractions for the past 20 weeks should have accomplished something. Something other than teaching me exactly what labor isn't.
My water broke with the hellion so it was easy to deduce when I was going into labor. In the 41.5 weeks I was pregnant with her, I never had a braxton hicks contraction. My water broke and then 6 hours later or so there was pain. Very easy to figure out.
This time around, especially recently I have constant all day braxton hicks. Enough that I have to stop what I'm doing and try and figure out if they really hurt or if I'm just sore. I'm sore. Contracting all day will do that. Before I would wonder with dread for fear of early labor. Now I wonder with both dread and hope, the hope that comes with the possibility of not being pregnant any longer and the dread that comes with the remembrance that labor hurts, a lot.
I'm all set for labor when the time should come. I got everything I could have ever possibly wanted at the baby shower and then bought some other stuff with the gift cards. I only have two things left to get - the exersaucer which my parents have claimed as Jocelyn's Christmas gift from them (3 month olds are hard to shop for, they claim) and the extra car seat base. I could have picked one up, but since I have yet to figure out how to install the one that came with the travel system, I've held off. Instructions have gotten a lot more complicated in the last 7 years and my mind isn't what it should be at this point. I don't want to pick one up just so I can have 2 that I am completely unable to work sitting in the living room. Everything else is set up and my bag is packed, so I attempt to wait patiently while sitting in front of the air conditioner and out of the 90 degree temperatures.
Things at home still kind of suck, but in a passive aggressive, mostly stewing in my head kind of way. To the outside observer, the husband and I probably appear like a young happily married couple anxiously awaiting the birth of their child. Hell, sometimes I even forget that we aren't. Some moments I just want to start screaming out of nowhere and just deal with the aftermath. But then reality sets in and I know I can't, that it would be dangerous for me and the baby. He knows I'm pissed. I'm 98% sure he read this. Even if he didn't, the day I found the messages on Myspace was the same day he canceled his account again. He claims to have been having nightmares about my leaving him. I either ignore the remark all together or give some sort of noncommittal response.
He tells me he loves me all the time. I tell him I love him too. It's not a lie. I really do love him. I love him but I hate what he's done. I love him but I hate that he's done this to me and the baby. I love him but I hate that he lied to me. I love him and I hate him. I love him but I don't think I could ever trust him not to do this again. I love him but all the love in the world probably isn't enough to undo the damage to our relationship. I don't think he realizes that you can love someone and still leave.
I'm 36 weeks 1 day today. I go see the doctor tomorrow for my first weekly visit. My first pants-off weekly visit. I'm only supposed to be getting my group B strep test but I'm hoping I can talk her into checking out my cervix while I'm there. I figure, I've got my pants off anyway, so why not. I don't expect her to see anything except a 0% effaced completely closed up tight cervix, but occasionally I like to believe that dealing with these braxton hicks contractions for the past 20 weeks should have accomplished something. Something other than teaching me exactly what labor isn't.
My water broke with the hellion so it was easy to deduce when I was going into labor. In the 41.5 weeks I was pregnant with her, I never had a braxton hicks contraction. My water broke and then 6 hours later or so there was pain. Very easy to figure out.
This time around, especially recently I have constant all day braxton hicks. Enough that I have to stop what I'm doing and try and figure out if they really hurt or if I'm just sore. I'm sore. Contracting all day will do that. Before I would wonder with dread for fear of early labor. Now I wonder with both dread and hope, the hope that comes with the possibility of not being pregnant any longer and the dread that comes with the remembrance that labor hurts, a lot.
I'm all set for labor when the time should come. I got everything I could have ever possibly wanted at the baby shower and then bought some other stuff with the gift cards. I only have two things left to get - the exersaucer which my parents have claimed as Jocelyn's Christmas gift from them (3 month olds are hard to shop for, they claim) and the extra car seat base. I could have picked one up, but since I have yet to figure out how to install the one that came with the travel system, I've held off. Instructions have gotten a lot more complicated in the last 7 years and my mind isn't what it should be at this point. I don't want to pick one up just so I can have 2 that I am completely unable to work sitting in the living room. Everything else is set up and my bag is packed, so I attempt to wait patiently while sitting in front of the air conditioner and out of the 90 degree temperatures.
Things at home still kind of suck, but in a passive aggressive, mostly stewing in my head kind of way. To the outside observer, the husband and I probably appear like a young happily married couple anxiously awaiting the birth of their child. Hell, sometimes I even forget that we aren't. Some moments I just want to start screaming out of nowhere and just deal with the aftermath. But then reality sets in and I know I can't, that it would be dangerous for me and the baby. He knows I'm pissed. I'm 98% sure he read this. Even if he didn't, the day I found the messages on Myspace was the same day he canceled his account again. He claims to have been having nightmares about my leaving him. I either ignore the remark all together or give some sort of noncommittal response.
He tells me he loves me all the time. I tell him I love him too. It's not a lie. I really do love him. I love him but I hate what he's done. I love him but I hate that he's done this to me and the baby. I love him but I hate that he lied to me. I love him and I hate him. I love him but I don't think I could ever trust him not to do this again. I love him but all the love in the world probably isn't enough to undo the damage to our relationship. I don't think he realizes that you can love someone and still leave.