I suppose you can't end a month-plus blog absence and delve headfirst into a theory post without first offering a proper update. Things have been busy, to say the least -- although I can't entirely blame the lack of blogging on a busy schedule. I also can't blame it on a lack of things to say. The truth is that I've largely stepped away from internet communities -- including reading and writing blogs -- that centered on infertility and pregnancy. Honestly, I just needed a break. Now I return to test the water and we'll see where that leaves me. That said, on to updates.
I am 16 weeks pregnant this week. Everything is progressing just as it should; thus far, I have enjoyed a happy and healthy pregnancy. A week or so before the Bar Exam I started taking a Unisom/Vitamin B6 cocktail, as was advised by my midwife in order to fight my morning sickness. I rejected the idea of medicating for morning sickness as long as I could. But from a practical standpoint, I had to function and medication of some kind seemed to be the only option. They say that the second trimester is supposed to be better; I'm not sure. Late in my fourteenth week, I tried to go without medicine and, while things were better, I definitely still felt pangs of morning sickness. I'll try to go off the medicine again as soon as I locate a day in which is would be all right for me to spend the bulk of my day sick. For now, I'm just eternally grateful for a way to combat the misery.
In happy pregnant news: for those that know that I am pregnant, I have developed a very distinctive baby belly. At 15 weeks, I had gained 2 lbs overall, so though I'm beginning to show, the weight gain hasn't kicked into full gear yet. My "big" ultrasound is scheduled for September 9th. I'm super excited to see this little one again. My last ultrasound was at seven weeks when my baby was barely a blob. I'll be almost 19 weeks by my appointment. So much development takes place in 12 weeks, it's nearly unfathomable.
In other news, I did take the Bar Exam in July, though I was woefully unprepared. Results come back in a few weeks. I wish I could say I was nervous; in truth, I've nearly come to terms with either outcome. Nearly. While I wait, my job search continues. In the meantime, I'm working as an attorney in a position that is meant to be temporary.
After the exam, we spent a week in Vegas. It was my first time there and I wasn't fully over the morning sickness/food aversion/exhaustion. Coupled with the fact that I couldn't drink and that I don't gamble, I was a little concerned that we wouldn't fun. I could not have been more wrong. The vacation was wonderful and much needed. I'm so glad that we didn't let the pregnancy get in the way of us taking the trip. I enjoyed it immensely; and I boarded the plane home with no bad experiences. (Unless you count the two hours we spent in the security office waiting for a medic because we were dumb enough to ask if they had a first aid kit available. It was really far more drama than it was worth given that the ailment was a splinter).
And so I arrived back home a week more rested and painfully aware of the fact that the suspension of reality must end. Which brings me, at risk of making this the longest entry ever, to the title of my post -- I have capitalist guilt. You see, I'm pregnant and job hunting. There is a distinctive conflict of interest here between the best interest of the (any) company and the best interest of my family. And although I need little more from an employer than time off to make prenatal appointments and a couple of months (okay, maybe three) once baby is born, I know that none of that bodes well for a company's bottom line. (The thought that I wouldn't return to work after baby is absolutely laughable for anyone who has seen how much I owe to the institutions responsible for educating me).
You would think that knowing that I'm a woman and knowing that women must bear the brunt if childbearing, I could put the guilt behind me. The problem is I've been on the other side of a pregnancy announcement. I've seen how much a business can be thrown (especially small grant -based organizations, which is where my job search is targeted) when someone gets pregnant. Worse, I've been on the other side when a new hire dropped a pregnancy bomb. I've watched supervisors grimace through a congratulations when what they're really thinking is "who in my underpaid over-worked staff is going to take over for you while you're out on maternity leave."
The thing is that I'm only 16 weeks pregnant. And while if you know that I'm pregnant, you can tell that I'm pregnant, my ability to suck and tuck is still pretty keen. I'm weeks from strangers being able to tell. If I get a job soon, my employer simply won't know -- until after I've signed all my employment papers. And given that I know how detrimental that can be for the type of companies I want to work for, I feel just a little bit of capitalist guilt. Business is about productivity and, well, I'm all about my family.
The moral thing to do, I suppose, would be to come clean about the pregnancy in interview. But I'm not crazy and I want to be able to feed my kid. The fact of the matter is that while we've made huge strides in the U.S. in rhetoric, pregnancy is still a prime "condition" for discrimination. I can quote the laws that prohibit such behavior with the best of them. And companies are even adding to pregnancy to their "race, gender, ethnicity, religion, and sexual orientation" list. But unless someone is dumb enough to
write (and probably also to show the poor discretion to actually tell a candidate) that someone wasn't offered a position because of their pregnancy status, it's a pretty hard claim to prove. Businesses, with their capitalist goals in mind, are free to skip over me.
So, in the end, guilt or no, I'll do what nearly every woman does who fights the balance between family and career: I'll suck in my tummy and cover my pregnancy for as long as possible. Oh, yeah, and I'll take as much time off once baby comes as my
family can afford.
-- Mya
I am 16 weeks pregnant this week. Everything is progressing just as it should; thus far, I have enjoyed a happy and healthy pregnancy. A week or so before the Bar Exam I started taking a Unisom/Vitamin B6 cocktail, as was advised by my midwife in order to fight my morning sickness. I rejected the idea of medicating for morning sickness as long as I could. But from a practical standpoint, I had to function and medication of some kind seemed to be the only option. They say that the second trimester is supposed to be better; I'm not sure. Late in my fourteenth week, I tried to go without medicine and, while things were better, I definitely still felt pangs of morning sickness. I'll try to go off the medicine again as soon as I locate a day in which is would be all right for me to spend the bulk of my day sick. For now, I'm just eternally grateful for a way to combat the misery.
In happy pregnant news: for those that know that I am pregnant, I have developed a very distinctive baby belly. At 15 weeks, I had gained 2 lbs overall, so though I'm beginning to show, the weight gain hasn't kicked into full gear yet. My "big" ultrasound is scheduled for September 9th. I'm super excited to see this little one again. My last ultrasound was at seven weeks when my baby was barely a blob. I'll be almost 19 weeks by my appointment. So much development takes place in 12 weeks, it's nearly unfathomable.
In other news, I did take the Bar Exam in July, though I was woefully unprepared. Results come back in a few weeks. I wish I could say I was nervous; in truth, I've nearly come to terms with either outcome. Nearly. While I wait, my job search continues. In the meantime, I'm working as an attorney in a position that is meant to be temporary.
After the exam, we spent a week in Vegas. It was my first time there and I wasn't fully over the morning sickness/food aversion/exhaustion. Coupled with the fact that I couldn't drink and that I don't gamble, I was a little concerned that we wouldn't fun. I could not have been more wrong. The vacation was wonderful and much needed. I'm so glad that we didn't let the pregnancy get in the way of us taking the trip. I enjoyed it immensely; and I boarded the plane home with no bad experiences. (Unless you count the two hours we spent in the security office waiting for a medic because we were dumb enough to ask if they had a first aid kit available. It was really far more drama than it was worth given that the ailment was a splinter).
And so I arrived back home a week more rested and painfully aware of the fact that the suspension of reality must end. Which brings me, at risk of making this the longest entry ever, to the title of my post -- I have capitalist guilt. You see, I'm pregnant and job hunting. There is a distinctive conflict of interest here between the best interest of the (any) company and the best interest of my family. And although I need little more from an employer than time off to make prenatal appointments and a couple of months (okay, maybe three) once baby is born, I know that none of that bodes well for a company's bottom line. (The thought that I wouldn't return to work after baby is absolutely laughable for anyone who has seen how much I owe to the institutions responsible for educating me).
You would think that knowing that I'm a woman and knowing that women must bear the brunt if childbearing, I could put the guilt behind me. The problem is I've been on the other side of a pregnancy announcement. I've seen how much a business can be thrown (especially small grant -based organizations, which is where my job search is targeted) when someone gets pregnant. Worse, I've been on the other side when a new hire dropped a pregnancy bomb. I've watched supervisors grimace through a congratulations when what they're really thinking is "who in my underpaid over-worked staff is going to take over for you while you're out on maternity leave."
The thing is that I'm only 16 weeks pregnant. And while if you know that I'm pregnant, you can tell that I'm pregnant, my ability to suck and tuck is still pretty keen. I'm weeks from strangers being able to tell. If I get a job soon, my employer simply won't know -- until after I've signed all my employment papers. And given that I know how detrimental that can be for the type of companies I want to work for, I feel just a little bit of capitalist guilt. Business is about productivity and, well, I'm all about my family.
The moral thing to do, I suppose, would be to come clean about the pregnancy in interview. But I'm not crazy and I want to be able to feed my kid. The fact of the matter is that while we've made huge strides in the U.S. in rhetoric, pregnancy is still a prime "condition" for discrimination. I can quote the laws that prohibit such behavior with the best of them. And companies are even adding to pregnancy to their "race, gender, ethnicity, religion, and sexual orientation" list. But unless someone is dumb enough to write (and probably also to show the poor discretion to actually tell a candidate) that someone wasn't offered a position because of their pregnancy status, it's a pretty hard claim to prove. Businesses, with their capitalist goals in mind, are free to skip over me.
So, in the end, guilt or no, I'll do what nearly every woman does who fights the balance between family and career: I'll suck in my tummy and cover my pregnancy for as long as possible. Oh, yeah, and I'll take as much time off once baby comes as my family can afford.
-- Mya