Today it struck me how fragile I can still feel sometimes. These days I mostly notice the strength I have gained over the years. I remember a time when I could cry all day or spend hours staring at the ceiling. I remember when I could feel every breath I took and I wondered how I was going to survive the next one.
It has been at least a year, maybe two, since those days when sadness and grief were so overwhelming. Yet, they are far from gone. Today's interaction with my clinic is a big deal - but in the end it is only money and, at worst, could mean we spend less than 20% more than we expected. Not that it won't have a big impact on our finances, but after a certain point, you just go into survival mode. We will cash in more of our retirement or take out a new, larger home equity loan. We will survive, at least financially.
It is this feeling of rejection and grief that has surprised me. Once again the universe has decided that we are not worthy. I feel the weight of the past several years - all the losses and disappoints and that feeling that it is
just so damned hard. Why do we need to keep fighting? Why don't things come easily for a change? We fight to make our bodies do what they seem incapable of doing. We fight to find the money to keep trying. We fight to find the emotional strength to keep going. We fight to enjoy life in spite of everything.
And now we are fighting to get what we were promised by our clinic. I know the grief I am feeling today isn't really about this situation - or at least not
only about this situation. It is about all the times we had to struggle and keep ourselves going when we wanted to give up, but weren't (and still aren't) ready to not have what we so strongly desire. I don't want to keep fighting, but I know I will.
It has been at least a year, maybe two, since those days when sadness and grief were so overwhelming. Yet, they are far from gone. Today's interaction with my clinic is a big deal - but in the end it is only money and, at worst, could mean we spend less than 20% more than we expected. Not that it won't have a big impact on our finances, but after a certain point, you just go into survival mode. We will cash in more of our retirement or take out a new, larger home equity loan. We will survive, at least financially.
It is this feeling of rejection and grief that has surprised me. Once again the universe has decided that we are not worthy. I feel the weight of the past several years - all the losses and disappoints and that feeling that it is just so damned hard. Why do we need to keep fighting? Why don't things come easily for a change? We fight to make our bodies do what they seem incapable of doing. We fight to find the money to keep trying. We fight to find the emotional strength to keep going. We fight to enjoy life in spite of everything.
And now we are fighting to get what we were promised by our clinic. I know the grief I am feeling today isn't really about this situation - or at least not only about this situation. It is about all the times we had to struggle and keep ourselves going when we wanted to give up, but weren't (and still aren't) ready to not have what we so strongly desire. I don't want to keep fighting, but I know I will.