It all depends on your motivation for seeking it. If your real question is "How much will this end up costing me?", it all depends on your motivation for seeking it. Good alignment between your needs and the kind of coach you hire will make every penny spent well worth it, an investment that pays dividends for years to come. If the alignment between what the coach does and what you need is wrong, no amount of money spent, and no amount of money saved by going a less expensive route, will justify itself.
If your primary goal is to get out of pain as quickly as possible and you are hoping to find a coach with some inside information for how to do that, you can probably find many coaches offering circumscribed solutions to well-defined problems. It all depends on how you define your needs and what kind of solution you are looking for. And there is absolutely a place for that. If I want to get some help on web marketing strategies, for example, I know who my go-to girl is for that. If I want nutritional information for eye health, I've got a man in my back pocket for that. Those are great resources to have, part teacher, part coach. Get in, get what you need, get out. Works well for everyone.
But if your pain is not as well defined, or if it has infiltrated more areas of your life than you are comfortable admitting, spot checks and quick fixes will only get you so far. If what you are looking at is more foundational...if you are addressing issues of integrity, character development, life purpose, legacy, bringing one's life into alignment with one's goals in all areas (career, relationships, life style)...if you want to cultivate in yourself certain qualities such as the ability to flow gracefully with stress, to let go of grudges and judgements, to experience happiness and bear suffering with dignity and grace...well that might take a while and only you will be able to decide whether you are willing to pay the cost (in terms of time, effort and money) or whether you would rather pay the cost of not developing yourself in these ways. This is where the issue of sincerity comes in. Are you in enough pain to actually want to do something about it?
I was.
But I was a very, very slow learner.
I fell in love with the qualities my own teacher embodies from the very first time I met him almost 20 years ago. It might sound odd for me to use the term teacher, but that's the best I can come up with. It's not necessarily something I expect you to use and isn't something I expect my clients to call me. But back to mine...I wanted to be a part of the light I saw in Michael (and still see), or rather I wanted to learn to shed everything that was blocking its expression through me. Michael is a very clear channel. I have learned a great deal from him about self-care, refinement of character and living with discernment by watching his example.
It isn't that we didn't struggle! Lord, no! We both have our egos. We can be competitive, absolutely. (Ruthless, my nephew calls me.) But Michael could always pull out of that quicker than I could. He knows how to protect himself from dissonant energies. He is very clear about who he is and the values he chooses to live by and he will not allow himself to be compromised. More than once he gave me my walking papers when I was a little too chaotic to be around. Hurt terribly at the time but I absolutely understand it now and agree completely with how necessary that was. I feel very, very fortunate to have been exposed to his example but it took about fourteen years for him to let me that close.
You read that right. Fourteen years.
Very, very few people would have stuck around for that long.
If Mr. Miyagi had made Ralph Macchio do that, no one would want to see the movie. No one would believe it! They would think terrible things about both of them. We watch the Karate Kid and think it's cute that Daniel-son had to work through the night for a few days here and there. He suffered to the end of our tolerance for watching it.
We like the concept...we get a little curious about those tough teachers but the sin of impatience wants to know exactly when this crap is going to end so we can get to the prize.
That's very selfish (ego-driven). It's contractual. I'll wash your car but this had better be good because I'm not your lackey. You are SO not the boss of me. It's a huge challenge for the ego, particularly the American ego to even consider such a thing.
But if you learn a bit about surrender and humility it changes everything. I've said it before and I'll say it again: There is a difference between humility and humiliation.
Remember my 14 years? Let's be clear: That was 14 years just to get the invitation to knock at the door. It was another three or four before I really got blasted through to what I was looking for. The funny thing is, by that time so much had been stripped away that I didn't care anymore about the end result. I was learning so much just by watching myself, my projections, the gyrations of my ego, my various attempts to understand and articulate the love I was feeling for this man who was not my husband, or my father, or my brother, or my son, or anything else I could quite define but somehow all of them and none of them at the same time...I finally exhausted all that and what was left for me was just service. Just pure, true, unadulterated love and a desire to serve. I don't really have questions anymore about whether I will be enlightened one day or when Michael will die. They just aren't that important to me. I want Michael to have a safe passage and I will devote myself to helping him as long as I can in whatever ways I am able but I know my own process is life long. MY life long, not his.
I used to be afraid of what would happen to me when he left. I was afraid that the best lessons would be over or that I'd never get to the rest of what I am supposed to learn in this life without him if he left too early. I was attached to his staying even though I know he won't be able to.
I didn't know that non-attachment has nothing to do with love, nothing to do with devotion and compassion.
Now I recognize my fears of my own life losing something essential to its meaning after he goes was unnecessary (albeit understandable) anxiety. Practice is practice. Every step gets you higher. Don't get me wrong. I'm going to miss him like crazy!! But my love for Michael is independent of his physical presence. It is unconditional love in the purest sense of the term.
I could not have learned that through reading no matter how dedicated I was. I had to set myself to the actual task of loving...observing my bargains, my contracts, my demands, my expectations...all the traps of my ego. I had to feel them, watch them, wrestle with the, journal the heck out of them and challenge myself to return over and over to that question of unconditional love and whether I was capable of such a thing.
If any client came to me and asked how long we would work together and I said "About 18 years", they would faint and probably decide I must not be a very good coach. So I say, "Maybe six months, or maybe three will be enough for you." For some that is enough because what they wanted most was a quick end to a defined pain (or the hope that this was all they needed). Some people are just sick of having a messy desk and they want someone to make them handle it and maybe drop a couple pounds at the same time. That is actually a very valid place to start but it's not all that demanding. Questions of love, dignity, personal ethics, character development and how we embody our values no matter what challenges we face...that of course is a lifetime's work.
Like fish who seek to swim at different depths, some coaches are more comfortable with the "messy desk" level of work. Very quick and painless for both client and coach. Measurable, results oriented, clearly defined "deliverables" and quick enthusiastic testimonials. It's a marketer's dream.
Personally, I don't find that level of work all that compelling. My closest clients are doing deeper work and many are in considerable pain. In fact, we are in pain together because I love them and their suffering touches me. I'm not afraid of being touched by them. It isn't pain that has me sitting in a hole crying with them but their suffering countinually brings me back to my own quest to understand the human condition. Who can contemplate this cycle of birth, growth, aging, decay and death and remain untouched by it? My clients grow me when their lives touch mine and I devote my waking hours in a nearly continual effort to growing myself in a way that will allow me to be useful to them...a solid support when they grow weary. Everything I do to strengthen myself is motivated by my love of those I serve...clients, family, friends. It's why I am here.
I work much harder for significantly fewer clients (and a lot less money) than many big name coaches but the nature of the work I do is different. My clients have a taste for questions much more demanding. I've stopped comparing myself to other coaches but I share this because I want to educate you. I'm really not the right coach for everyone. But if I am, I am.
Honestly, do I want you to stick with me for 18 years? I can't say. If our relationship is still growing you, then by all means. If not, then of course not. I have no expectations. I have a deep commitment to my own development and hopefully that allows me to do some good in the world for a long, long time.
I choose to stick close to my own teacher because the world is very powerful and what he teaches me (sometimes just by what I observe...these aren't all formal "lessons" by any means) helps me stand strong in the face of that power.
You have to have a hunger for Truth that is greater than the world's hunger for you. That's a tall order. The world's hunger is dynamic. It grows. It expands. It targets you strategically, relentlessly. The only way to counter it is to dramatically limit exposure to what stimulates your hunger. If you want to lose weight, you probably shouldn't live next to a bakery. You have to stop being seduced by things that really don't nourish you. And above all, you have to stop thinking you will miss something if you pull back from the world. That is just the hunger, or, more accurately, the anxiety of an anticipated unfulfilled hunger controlling you.
Those who have fasted for 2 or 3 days, who have done therapeutic detox fasts, know that it gets easier. Fasting gets easier. You start thinking you will want to eat and eat before you begin and you coax yourself through Day One promising yourself a treat when it is all over. By the time you are through the fast, all you find you want is a little rice, maybe a piece of dried fruit or a couple of vegetables. When you are clean, you want to stay that way. That's your natural state.
My teacher keeps me clean.
It all depends on your motivation for seeking it. If your real question is "How much will this end up costing me?", it all depends on your motivation for seeking it. Good alignment between your needs and the kind of coach you hire will make every penny spent well worth it, an investment that pays dividends for years to come. If the alignment between what the coach does and what you need is wrong, no amount of money spent, and no amount of money saved by going a less expensive route, will justify itself.
If your primary goal is to get out of pain as quickly as possible and you are hoping to find a coach with some inside information for how to do that, you can probably find many coaches offering circumscribed solutions to well-defined problems. It all depends on how you define your needs and what kind of solution you are looking for. And there is absolutely a place for that. If I want to get some help on web marketing strategies, for example, I know who my go-to girl is for that. If I want nutritional information for eye health, I've got a man in my back pocket for that. Those are great resources to have, part teacher, part coach. Get in, get what you need, get out. Works well for everyone.
But if your pain is not as well defined, or if it has infiltrated more areas of your life than you are comfortable admitting, spot checks and quick fixes will only get you so far. If what you are looking at is more foundational...if you are addressing issues of integrity, character development, life purpose, legacy, bringing one's life into alignment with one's goals in all areas (career, relationships, life style)...if you want to cultivate in yourself certain qualities such as the ability to flow gracefully with stress, to let go of grudges and judgements, to experience happiness and bear suffering with dignity and grace...well that might take a while and only you will be able to decide whether you are willing to pay the cost (in terms of time, effort and money) or whether you would rather pay the cost of not developing yourself in these ways. This is where the issue of sincerity comes in. Are you in enough pain to actually want to do something about it?
I was.
But I was a very, very slow learner.
I fell in love with the qualities my own teacher embodies from the very first time I met him almost 20 years ago. It might sound odd for me to use the term teacher, but that's the best I can come up with. It's not necessarily something I expect you to use and isn't something I expect my clients to call me. But back to mine...I wanted to be a part of the light I saw in Michael (and still see), or rather I wanted to learn to shed everything that was blocking its expression through me. Michael is a very clear channel. I have learned a great deal from him about self-care, refinement of character and living with discernment by watching his example.
It isn't that we didn't struggle! Lord, no! We both have our egos. We can be competitive, absolutely. (Ruthless, my nephew calls me.) But Michael could always pull out of that quicker than I could. He knows how to protect himself from dissonant energies. He is very clear about who he is and the values he chooses to live by and he will not allow himself to be compromised. More than once he gave me my walking papers when I was a little too chaotic to be around. Hurt terribly at the time but I absolutely understand it now and agree completely with how necessary that was. I feel very, very fortunate to have been exposed to his example but it took about fourteen years for him to let me that close.
You read that right. Fourteen years.
Very, very few people would have stuck around for that long.
If Mr. Miyagi had made Ralph Macchio do that, no one would want to see the movie. No one would believe it! They would think terrible things about both of them. We watch the Karate Kid and think it's cute that Daniel-son had to work through the night for a few days here and there. He suffered to the end of our tolerance for watching it.
We like the concept...we get a little curious about those tough teachers but the sin of impatience wants to know exactly when this crap is going to end so we can get to the prize.
That's very selfish (ego-driven). It's contractual. I'll wash your car but this had better be good because I'm not your lackey. You are SO not the boss of me. It's a huge challenge for the ego, particularly the American ego to even consider such a thing.
But if you learn a bit about surrender and humility it changes everything. I've said it before and I'll say it again: There is a difference between humility and humiliation.
Remember my 14 years? Let's be clear: That was 14 years just to get the invitation to knock at the door. It was another three or four before I really got blasted through to what I was looking for. The funny thing is, by that time so much had been stripped away that I didn't care anymore about the end result. I was learning so much just by watching myself, my projections, the gyrations of my ego, my various attempts to understand and articulate the love I was feeling for this man who was not my husband, or my father, or my brother, or my son, or anything else I could quite define but somehow all of them and none of them at the same time...I finally exhausted all that and what was left for me was just service. Just pure, true, unadulterated love and a desire to serve. I don't really have questions anymore about whether I will be enlightened one day or when Michael will die. They just aren't that important to me. I want Michael to have a safe passage and I will devote myself to helping him as long as I can in whatever ways I am able but I know my own process is life long. MY life long, not his.
I used to be afraid of what would happen to me when he left. I was afraid that the best lessons would be over or that I'd never get to the rest of what I am supposed to learn in this life without him if he left too early. I was attached to his staying even though I know he won't be able to.
I didn't know that non-attachment has nothing to do with love, nothing to do with devotion and compassion.
Now I recognize my fears of my own life losing something essential to its meaning after he goes was unnecessary (albeit understandable) anxiety. Practice is practice. Every step gets you higher. Don't get me wrong. I'm going to miss him like crazy!! But my love for Michael is independent of his physical presence. It is unconditional love in the purest sense of the term.
I could not have learned that through reading no matter how dedicated I was. I had to set myself to the actual task of loving...observing my bargains, my contracts, my demands, my expectations...all the traps of my ego. I had to feel them, watch them, wrestle with the, journal the heck out of them and challenge myself to return over and over to that question of unconditional love and whether I was capable of such a thing.
If any client came to me and asked how long we would work together and I said "About 18 years", they would faint and probably decide I must not be a very good coach. So I say, "Maybe six months, or maybe three will be enough for you." For some that is enough because what they wanted most was a quick end to a defined pain (or the hope that this was all they needed). Some people are just sick of having a messy desk and they want someone to make them handle it and maybe drop a couple pounds at the same time. That is actually a very valid place to start but it's not all that demanding. Questions of love, dignity, personal ethics, character development and how we embody our values no matter what challenges we face...that of course is a lifetime's work.
Like fish who seek to swim at different depths, some coaches are more comfortable with the "messy desk" level of work. Very quick and painless for both client and coach. Measurable, results oriented, clearly defined "deliverables" and quick enthusiastic testimonials. It's a marketer's dream.
Personally, I don't find that level of work all that compelling. My closest clients are doing deeper work and many are in considerable pain. In fact, we are in pain together because I love them and their suffering touches me. I'm not afraid of being touched by them. It isn't pain that has me sitting in a hole crying with them but their suffering countinually brings me back to my own quest to understand the human condition. Who can contemplate this cycle of birth, growth, aging, decay and death and remain untouched by it? My clients grow me when their lives touch mine and I devote my waking hours in a nearly continual effort to growing myself in a way that will allow me to be useful to them...a solid support when they grow weary. Everything I do to strengthen myself is motivated by my love of those I serve...clients, family, friends. It's why I am here.
I work much harder for significantly fewer clients (and a lot less money) than many big name coaches but the nature of the work I do is different. My clients have a taste for questions much more demanding. I've stopped comparing myself to other coaches but I share this because I want to educate you. I'm really not the right coach for everyone. But if I am, I am.
Honestly, do I want you to stick with me for 18 years? I can't say. If our relationship is still growing you, then by all means. If not, then of course not. I have no expectations. I have a deep commitment to my own development and hopefully that allows me to do some good in the world for a long, long time.
I choose to stick close to my own teacher because the world is very powerful and what he teaches me (sometimes just by what I observe...these aren't all formal "lessons" by any means) helps me stand strong in the face of that power.
You have to have a hunger for Truth that is greater than the world's hunger for you. That's a tall order. The world's hunger is dynamic. It grows. It expands. It targets you strategically, relentlessly. The only way to counter it is to dramatically limit exposure to what stimulates your hunger. If you want to lose weight, you probably shouldn't live next to a bakery. You have to stop being seduced by things that really don't nourish you. And above all, you have to stop thinking you will miss something if you pull back from the world. That is just the hunger, or, more accurately, the anxiety of an anticipated unfulfilled hunger controlling you.
Those who have fasted for 2 or 3 days, who have done therapeutic detox fasts, know that it gets easier. Fasting gets easier. You start thinking you will want to eat and eat before you begin and you coax yourself through Day One promising yourself a treat when it is all over. By the time you are through the fast, all you find you want is a little rice, maybe a piece of dried fruit or a couple of vegetables. When you are clean, you want to stay that way. That's your natural state.
My teacher keeps me clean.