...or more step.
My sex life isn't where it was when I started this blog. Nowhere near. Truth is, it's pretty fucking dismal on paper (if I had emoticons on here, there would be a smile). I'm not upset, angry, angsty about it. But I have been thinking about how my sex life and drive have shifted over the years.
I'm guessing one thing I'm not too happy about is that I'm old enough now to have gone through lots of stages and actually have enough years to
have that perspective and that many stages to write about. Now would be when you hear a Sigh.
Age, hormones, life circumstances, relationship status...all sorts of things have impacted how and how often I was interested in sex and how that interest got met.
I started being sexual at age 15. My teenage sexuality was fueled by teen hormones, booze and angst.
At age 19, I met my future husband. I was voracious in my sex life with him as our bodies were made for each other and we were passionately in love. Our sex life was perfect until I no longer wanted him.
By age 22 we had a colicky daughter. I had a husband who dealt with his stress by leaving lots. Poor man, he couldn't deal with the responsibility of a new child...one he hadn't planned on and certainly not one who screamed for hours each day the first three months. I got angry.
Because we were really smart, we had two more kids and started a business together over the years when we should have gotten divorced. The angrier I got the less desire I had for him, until I had none. Did I just lose it for him? Or was it just my physical and emotional exhaustion? No clue, probably both.
We had sex about 1-4 times a month. I occasionally let go of my pain and was present/got into it. But usually I saw our sex during that time as self-protection fucking because he was always in a better mood when he had gotten laid. It got to the point that I felt so distant that I couldn't kiss him, involuntarily turning my head when he would approach me. Because he had "needs, " and my libido was low from all that my life was at that time, I suggested on a number of occasions that we find a second wife (never happened).
And isn't it funny that the period when most people are exploring and being highly sexual, I was shut down? I find that so odd.
Then, at age 33 when I became an orphan and woke up, I started to get horny. Still not for him, initially, but my sexuality reawakened. With time I returned to horniness for him and our sex life got pretty amazing again. It still took me five more years to muster the courage to break up my family, but I finally did it. And even though our sex was great, I haven't missed my relationship with him one day.
I was 38, ready to play and moved into a stage of wanting only fuckbuddy sex. I was horny, horny, horny. I had lots of play partners, took my Tantra training, had a relationships in there that moved beyond fuckbuddy stage but got complicated because the guys wanted more from me than me from them. Always a bummer and not easy to extricate oneself from when one is a senstive sort.
I started to explore all sorts of partnership permutations, experiences, adventures. I became a Courtesan which is chronicled here. I had threesomes, fivesomes and moresomes. I attended orgies, wounded my heart a few times, had women lovers, did exhibitionist stuff, explored BDSM; found/felt/experienced God more than twice in sex, found my body was capable of stuff I hadn't even heard of before. I was Sexy Mama on the prowl, sexing my way through life. It definitely had its challenges, but I was happy. Very happy. The happiest I've ever been.
Enter relationship ten years later...
At first, sparks fly, sex is hot and I'm going place I haven't gone before because I'm involving my heart more. Then the move in, Life...and things sexual start to unravel. It began in Fall 2006, when I lost trust and he got beyond-nightmare business stressed. It peaked last year this time until around August. If I believed in retributional karma (which I don't) I could say that it was payback time for my marriage, smiles.
But it wasn't all him. I had shut down, too. Although much better now, I was stressed during that period, too. With that stress, my body regressed in lots of ways....less energy, less inclination to exercise, stress eating and drinking more. My body was/is wigging out hormonally. My orgasms have shifted.
During a part of that cycle last year, I put up a wall. I got tired of asking for intimacy. I felt like I give unendingly here on all levels imaginable and be damned if I was willing to have to be the sole gatekeeper of the sex, too. Especially since when we did have sex, the focus had gotten to be pretty one sided. And although I may have a difficult time asking for things outside the bedroom, in the sheets, I don't. Plus, I mean...dammit...I get paid for this stuff...WTF?
With lots of talking, we're shifting. Just as our intimacy in everyday life has increased tenfold and he is showing up in relationship more and more, I believe this part will return with him, too. I'm still of the mind that when he feels whole around Life, the sex will be what it was on track to be.
Just as my libido has shifted over the years, I believe lost fire can return to relationships when both people want it to. I want fire again, will have fire again, can feel fire building inside me. I hope to find it met here.
My sex life isn't where it was when I started this blog. Nowhere near. Truth is, it's pretty fucking dismal on paper (if I had emoticons on here, there would be a smile). I'm not upset, angry, angsty about it. But I have been thinking about how my sex life and drive have shifted over the years.
I'm guessing one thing I'm not too happy about is that I'm old enough now to have gone through lots of stages and actually have enough years to have that perspective and that many stages to write about. Now would be when you hear a Sigh.
Age, hormones, life circumstances, relationship status...all sorts of things have impacted how and how often I was interested in sex and how that interest got met.
I started being sexual at age 15. My teenage sexuality was fueled by teen hormones, booze and angst.
At age 19, I met my future husband. I was voracious in my sex life with him as our bodies were made for each other and we were passionately in love. Our sex life was perfect until I no longer wanted him.
By age 22 we had a colicky daughter. I had a husband who dealt with his stress by leaving lots. Poor man, he couldn't deal with the responsibility of a new child...one he hadn't planned on and certainly not one who screamed for hours each day the first three months. I got angry.
Because we were really smart, we had two more kids and started a business together over the years when we should have gotten divorced. The angrier I got the less desire I had for him, until I had none. Did I just lose it for him? Or was it just my physical and emotional exhaustion? No clue, probably both.
We had sex about 1-4 times a month. I occasionally let go of my pain and was present/got into it. But usually I saw our sex during that time as self-protection fucking because he was always in a better mood when he had gotten laid. It got to the point that I felt so distant that I couldn't kiss him, involuntarily turning my head when he would approach me. Because he had "needs, " and my libido was low from all that my life was at that time, I suggested on a number of occasions that we find a second wife (never happened).
And isn't it funny that the period when most people are exploring and being highly sexual, I was shut down? I find that so odd.
Then, at age 33 when I became an orphan and woke up, I started to get horny. Still not for him, initially, but my sexuality reawakened. With time I returned to horniness for him and our sex life got pretty amazing again. It still took me five more years to muster the courage to break up my family, but I finally did it. And even though our sex was great, I haven't missed my relationship with him one day.
I was 38, ready to play and moved into a stage of wanting only fuckbuddy sex. I was horny, horny, horny. I had lots of play partners, took my Tantra training, had a relationships in there that moved beyond fuckbuddy stage but got complicated because the guys wanted more from me than me from them. Always a bummer and not easy to extricate oneself from when one is a senstive sort.
I started to explore all sorts of partnership permutations, experiences, adventures. I became a Courtesan which is chronicled here. I had threesomes, fivesomes and moresomes. I attended orgies, wounded my heart a few times, had women lovers, did exhibitionist stuff, explored BDSM; found/felt/experienced God more than twice in sex, found my body was capable of stuff I hadn't even heard of before. I was Sexy Mama on the prowl, sexing my way through life. It definitely had its challenges, but I was happy. Very happy. The happiest I've ever been.
Enter relationship ten years later...
At first, sparks fly, sex is hot and I'm going place I haven't gone before because I'm involving my heart more. Then the move in, Life...and things sexual start to unravel. It began in Fall 2006, when I lost trust and he got beyond-nightmare business stressed. It peaked last year this time until around August. If I believed in retributional karma (which I don't) I could say that it was payback time for my marriage, smiles.
But it wasn't all him. I had shut down, too. Although much better now, I was stressed during that period, too. With that stress, my body regressed in lots of ways....less energy, less inclination to exercise, stress eating and drinking more. My body was/is wigging out hormonally. My orgasms have shifted.
During a part of that cycle last year, I put up a wall. I got tired of asking for intimacy. I felt like I give unendingly here on all levels imaginable and be damned if I was willing to have to be the sole gatekeeper of the sex, too. Especially since when we did have sex, the focus had gotten to be pretty one sided. And although I may have a difficult time asking for things outside the bedroom, in the sheets, I don't. Plus, I mean...dammit...I get paid for this stuff...WTF?
With lots of talking, we're shifting. Just as our intimacy in everyday life has increased tenfold and he is showing up in relationship more and more, I believe this part will return with him, too. I'm still of the mind that when he feels whole around Life, the sex will be what it was on track to be.
Just as my libido has shifted over the years, I believe lost fire can return to relationships when both people want it to. I want fire again, will have fire again, can feel fire building inside me. I hope to find it met here.