Has the nation grown to fat to die? According to undertakers, the regular size of a coffin is no good for your average corpse, so they’ve been forced to build new supersize hi-fat extra fries caskets in which to shovel our bulging cadavers once we have wheezed our last. And then, presumably, dig graves the size of septic tanks and lower us in by giant crane. They even have a name for these coffins – Goliath. And what if the monster can’t get in a narrow-doored church or funeral home? Then it has to be in a park, sports field or perhaps for the especially rotund an aircraft hanger.
In an even more bizarre twist it appears death row fatties have hit upon a scheme to try and cheat the grim reaper. Recently a death row inmate scheduled for execution startled everyone saying he’s too fat to be put to death by lethal injection, claiming executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of the lethal injection drugs. Two years ago another death row inmate, convicted killer Jeffrey Lundgren was put to death after a federal appeals court rejected his bizarre claim that he was at greater risk of experiencing pain and suffering because he was overweight and diabetic.
Now I don’t know about you but if lethal injection (which seems to be the least painful way to go) is suspect then treat these smug load of parrot droppings to something guaranteed to cure their fight the flab malady: a scything guillotine blow, a swift clout with an axe, “sorry pal third time lucky, by the way you parting is now on the left” Or something to liven up any dull party, the trusty iron garrote. Certain to create lots of mirth as victim family members bet on how many crushing screw turns will be needed to shoot the inmate’s eyeballs into a basket across the room. Add a baying mob, a grinning idiot of a personal trainer screaming and goading the inmate with “I know you can do it!!” and bingo you’ve just created the biggest loser reality show on the planet. Prisons can compete for the title of who can clear out their death row the fastest.
And can someone explain to me just how these goons become so hefty? It’s not from
being chained to a wall in a moldy rat infested dungeon chowing down bread and water that’s for sure. What is going on here?
In an even more bizarre twist it appears death row fatties have hit upon a scheme to try and cheat the grim reaper. Recently a death row inmate scheduled for execution startled everyone saying he’s too fat to be put to death by lethal injection, claiming executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of the lethal injection drugs. Two years ago another death row inmate, convicted killer Jeffrey Lundgren was put to death after a federal appeals court rejected his bizarre claim that he was at greater risk of experiencing pain and suffering because he was overweight and diabetic.
Now I don’t know about you but if lethal injection (which seems to be the least painful way to go) is suspect then treat these smug load of parrot droppings to something guaranteed to cure their fight the flab malady: a scything guillotine blow, a swift clout with an axe, “sorry pal third time lucky, by the way you parting is now on the left” Or something to liven up any dull party, the trusty iron garrote. Certain to create lots of mirth as victim family members bet on how many crushing screw turns will be needed to shoot the inmate’s eyeballs into a basket across the room. Add a baying mob, a grinning idiot of a personal trainer screaming and goading the inmate with “I know you can do it!!” and bingo you’ve just created the biggest loser reality show on the planet. Prisons can compete for the title of who can clear out their death row the fastest.
And can someone explain to me just how these goons become so hefty? It’s not from
being chained to a wall in a moldy rat infested dungeon chowing down bread and water that’s for sure. What is going on here?