I'm all moved in. This new place is so bright and airy and big. I am
definitely having issues with not deserving it because I'm fat. I
know it sounds ridiculous but it all comes down to that for me. My
friend Russ came out today and I could tell he was uneasy when he saw
me. I couldn't stand that kind of awkwardness so I asked him -- what
is it--am i fatter or something -- and he said well, you look a little
bigger. Ugh.
Anyway, I said, well we'll have to get over it for today and let's have
a nice time. We moved on. But, it still stays with me. Russ is
probably the first person I've seen except for dog park people and work
people over the past 3 weeks. I still have larangitis and I'm thinking
it must be something more than just laryngitis...I guess I need to call
the doctor again.
I also got a new car. It's a year old, but its beautiful. Yet another
thing I don't deserve. 
I was supposed to quit smoking and I made it 4
hours and now I'm smoking in the new car and the new house. It is
strictly against the lease of the apartment to smoke. It says the
lease will be terminated if i smoke. I'm scared that they will find
out. I don't want to live scared. So, I'll try again tomorrow. As
you can see its 4:50AM and I'm up.
I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd
write. (albeit grammatic mistakes abound)
And, I also got a new couch and a new desk. I've been spending like
crazy. I have to stop now because I've gotten 2 advances from work and
a loan of 1000 from each brother. And, it could all fall apart. 
Russ
was mentioning the economy today and I got a pit in my stomach. I have
been so out of touch I haven't been paying attention to the news and
what's happening out there. I guess I've been isolating because I
literally have forgotten about OA and have skipped the meetings for 2
weeks. It just didn't cross my mind. I haven't really done anything
except buy stuff and move. I don't want to discount the moving part of
this whole thing but there is nothing left to buy to anchor me. I can
tell while sitting here that the purchases were anchoring me...I felt
powerful. Interesting.
Addiction Update:
Drugs - NONE
Binging - NONE (well, there has been a low fat diet icecream thing
that I was able to eat in moderation a few weeks ago but now eat 6 at a
time...i guess that is a little binge-y.)
So, I'm feeling insecure and scared and a little confused and disoriented.
Anyway, I said, well we'll have to get over it for today and let's have a nice time. We moved on. But, it still stays with me. Russ is probably the first person I've seen except for dog park people and work people over the past 3 weeks. I still have larangitis and I'm thinking it must be something more than just laryngitis...I guess I need to call the doctor again.
I also got a new car. It's a year old, but its beautiful. Yet another thing I don't deserve.
I was supposed to quit smoking and I made it 4
hours and now I'm smoking in the new car and the new house. It is
strictly against the lease of the apartment to smoke. It says the
lease will be terminated if i smoke. I'm scared that they will find
out. I don't want to live scared. So, I'll try again tomorrow. As
you can see its 4:50AM and I'm up.
I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd
write. (albeit grammatic mistakes abound)
And, I also got a new couch and a new desk. I've been spending like crazy. I have to stop now because I've gotten 2 advances from work and a loan of 1000 from each brother. And, it could all fall apart.
Addiction Update:
Drugs - NONE
Binging - NONE (well, there has been a low fat diet icecream thing that I was able to eat in moderation a few weeks ago but now eat 6 at a time...i guess that is a little binge-y.)
So, I'm feeling insecure and scared and a little confused and disoriented.