I know this post looks pathetic, but can the truth be pathetic? I have been thinking of things I'd like to do lately and that voice comes up and says; "nope, ya can't do that--you're too fat." And, it's true that I am fat and some things are impossible for me to do when I am fat. I was contemplating it this evening and thought to myself, "Don't I want these things enough that I would lose weight so I could do them?" And, then my depression voice looms in with it's haunting bellow-like voice, "It doesn't matter - you're fat and even when you're not fat you look like a former fatty and nobody likes you." Yes, the depression voice is real mature!
But, isn't that the bottom line? I seem to listen to that voice more than any others. I know society is mean to me because I'm fat. I see it every day from when I walk my dog and the runner passing by looks at me with disgust and thinks to herself, "Ugh...how could anyone get that way? I better run faster or I might catch it!" Or, perhaps it is the kid at the pet place that gives me the coin so I can use the dog wash but won't make eye contact with me. Let's not forget the people standing in line behind me at Rite-Aid just wishing the fat girl would disappear. 
It happens every day and it happens all day. It is not a figment of my imagination. It is real. It is constant. It sucks the very life out of me. It's desperately hard to stay above water when I feel bad and I'm following the dictates of society because they want me to feel bad too. I want to feel good about myself no matter what but I get bogged down in the mire of this existence.
But....if I wasn't fat here are the things I would do:
Go to Improv Class
Travel to Europe and Beyond
Travel anywhere
Go to visit friends
Go try new restaurants
Go to NY and see some Broadway
Call people I haven't spoken to since I got fat again
Go swimming
Get a massage
Hang out in the city
There's more but my mind is blanking on me because this is painful to think about. Ack, I really don't like this spot I'm in at all. I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to do the 12 step thing. I'm feeling burnt out. I don't want to go on a diet because I always end up gaining the weight back. I am not sure what to do....
xoxo
me
But, isn't that the bottom line? I seem to listen to that voice more than any others. I know society is mean to me because I'm fat. I see it every day from when I walk my dog and the runner passing by looks at me with disgust and thinks to herself, "Ugh...how could anyone get that way? I better run faster or I might catch it!" Or, perhaps it is the kid at the pet place that gives me the coin so I can use the dog wash but won't make eye contact with me. Let's not forget the people standing in line behind me at Rite-Aid just wishing the fat girl would disappear.
It happens every day and it happens all day. It is not a figment of my imagination. It is real. It is constant. It sucks the very life out of me. It's desperately hard to stay above water when I feel bad and I'm following the dictates of society because they want me to feel bad too. I want to feel good about myself no matter what but I get bogged down in the mire of this existence.
But....if I wasn't fat here are the things I would do:
Go to Improv Class
Travel to Europe and Beyond
Travel anywhere
Go to visit friends
Go try new restaurants
Go to NY and see some Broadway
Call people I haven't spoken to since I got fat again
Go swimming
Get a massage
Hang out in the city
There's more but my mind is blanking on me because this is painful to think about. Ack, I really don't like this spot I'm in at all. I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to do the 12 step thing. I'm feeling burnt out. I don't want to go on a diet because I always end up gaining the weight back. I am not sure what to do....
xoxo
me