Until Then I'll Be the One Pretending

Been waiting, all of my life been waiting

to get it right but that still seems like it's so far away

Cause I guess I'm just scared I'm the only one here

Growing old, growing old but not quite growing up

But until then I'll be the one pretending I'm perfectly fine with all this living life on my own

Cause I guess I'm just scared I'm the only on here

Growing old, growing old but not quite growing up

-Matt Wertz

I hate watching birth control ads because it is yet another reminder that I have no use for it

I hate lying about why I don't have sex

I hate feeling like I have to lie, because the truth is too complicated to explain

I hate feeling absolutely powerless in the face of this... I have no control. Nothing I do will fix this. I am not someone who can relinquish control over my life. I need things to go exactly how I want otherwise the walls come crashing down all around me, and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't control this, my body is fighting against everything that I want and believe in. It's not just about sex and I get that, but it's a lot about sex. I don't have any glorified expectations of it, I just know that its something that is important to me and to relationships that I might potentially be in. True they are not all about sex, but for me they are. For me that is the distinction between friends and whatever is beyond that. I can only speak from my own experiences, but that is what they are, my experiences, and in those the deal breaker has always been sex, whether it's that they know exactly why we aren't having it or that we just aren't- its always about that. I don't know how else to feel about that.

I hate that that at my very core I can feel so broken. I know I kid about how my Vajay-Jay is broken but sometimes I do really and truly feel like that. There's a kind of empty, a disconnect, because I think that if I felt anything else I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to deal with it, and I have things that I have to do in my life to function, I can't afford to break down and lose it.

I hate how terrified I am about what comes next.... what do I do if this ever does get fixed. It won't change what has led me up to this point, I will still be a 20 or 30 something who has no idea how to orchestrate an intimate and sexual relationship. Sometimes I feel stuck, like everyone is passing me by, hitting these milestones that I can't seem to catch up to, and here I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about it all. This Vulvodynia acts as a catalyst for these feelings of insecurity sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck at 17 and I can't figure out how to be 24.

I hate that I have no idea how to approach this topic with potential boyfriends....